Open Adoption Support

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In thinking about Open Adoption Agreements, there are a lot of questions that come up for me. Admittedly, I've never been a participant in the drafting of an Open Adoption agreement. However, I see from living an open adoption with my daughter and her Mother, where an agreement would certainly be of benefit to both of us. Where questions wouldn't linger and were some uncertainly that I know at least I hold may be alleviated. So here are some initial thoughts on Open Adoption Agreements. 

1. What should go into an Open Adoption Agreement?

I agree with others before me that have said that minimums should be the basis of the open adoption agreement. I think it makes the most sense to create the agreement with the hope that the requirements included in it will be the foundation for a relationship that will develop. Perhaps that relationship brings with it increased updates, letters, emails, even visits. And maybe it doesn't. But either way, the agreement would be a clear indication of what BOTH parties were comfortable with at a minimum level.

It seems like there would be a lot to think about in detailing an OA-A. I know that I only realize what things might come up as time passes and as I live it. It reminds me of those books or checklists that you're supposed to go over before you get married - you know, the ones that make you think about joint bank accounts and where you're going to spend holidays and what your plans are for children and how they're to be raised. Yes, it would be helpful if such a checklist existed for prospective adoptive parents and expectant mothers and fathers as well, and maybe we should really be working toward establishing one. Maybe there is one and I just don't know about it - but if there is, it's not handy enough that I've stumbled across it. My brief Google searches didn't provide any insight there either....

The things that I can think about off the top of my head are frequency of visits, locations of visits, protocol for holidays, protocol for gifts, interaction with other birthfamily members, etc. Yes, it's a lot to think about and yes, I'm sure it can seem daunting feeling like you have to plan out this aspect of your life, but if we're willing to do these things when entering into a marriage, I think we need to take that time to build a healthy relationship with adoption as well.

2.  Specifics vs. Vague vocabulary - when are specifics appropriate? What are the benefits/harms of being too specific? Being too vague?

In detailing the OA agreement, I think wording is such a tricky point. On the one hand you don't want to be so specific that you feel trapped without any wiggle room. On the other hand, if you use vague vocabulary you leave lots of room for interpretation, and in turn, disagreement over meaning.

Specifics - I think specifics are pretty important. It would be super helpful in my current situation if I knew what specifics Cupcake's Mom wanted. Visits X times a year. Email updates X times a year with a minimum of X many pictures included in each. Can you go beyond that number of pictures? Of course! But that way someone doesn't get their hopes up for a parade of birthday pictures and instead receive one not so great picture with the child's face partially hidden and lingering back in the picture not even the focus of it...not that I've been there or anything....but if I had (okay, I have) yes, I would like some gaurantee that my daughters first birthday would have been captured on film and shared with me. To a specific minimum degree as detailed in the OA agreement.

Some specifics are more tricky - for instance specifying behaviors and how they will affect future interactions. I don't really appreciate having aparents dictate to me what behaviors are "good enough" for me to interact with my child, but as a parenting decision I'll respect it. Having some say in the OA agreement process I would want to make sure that the aparents and I had compatible ideas of what was realistic and appropriate. I would have agreed to stipulations that I would stay out of jail (hasn't been a problem for me for the past 25 years, so I'm pretty sure I'm good there...), that I would respect the boundaries put in place by the OA-A, that I wouldn't develop a drug or alcohol problem - and that I would participate in rehab programs if I did. I would understand if Cupcake's Mom didn't want me around her if I was under the influence of some illegal narcotic.

This is MY reality though. I know that there are some aparents that have children whose birthmothers/fathers have histories of drugs, alcohol, jail, etc. For them, these specifics might be even more challenging, but specifics leave little room for interpretation. Conversely, they leave little room for understanding. I don't have a "problem" with drinking or drugs. Do I drink? Yes. Do I do drugs? Not really, but yeah, I've smoked pot. It's happened. Would cupcake's Mom see that as a deal breaker? I don't know...but if her specific request was that I NEVER smoke or drink, then yeah, I guess she would.

Specifics with times, dates, minimums, they don't allow for LIFE sometimes. And I think that's something that's understandable. I can't say what the future will bring. I can't say that I won't fall into a depression. That I won't turn to alcohol at some point. I certainly have family members that have and I can't forsee the future. I would hope that should something unforseen happen that our relationship would help fill the gaps in understanding that the specifics might not allow.

I personally like the specifics. I'm fully open to accepting them and adhering to them (assuming I was a part of their creation and that I agreed to them in the first place). I've come up with some possible reasons, but I'm still not sure why some seem so adamant against detailing specifics.

Vague - If specifics are so binding the clear alternative is more vague descriptions of expectations.

To be honest, I don't see the value in being vague. I think you have to be specific with things like numbers, but I feel the desire to be vague with things like behaviors. For instance, the sentence, "4 visits a year as long as the birthmother remains a positive influence." Well that's certainly debateable! And since aparents of course have the right to decide what influences are positive in their children's lives it sure seems like that would give them the upper hand there, doesn't it? I'm crazy frustrated with my job right now. If I quit, I would be unemployed. It would be an irresponsible move on my part, and some could say that it wouldn't be a positive influence. Am I a danger? No way! Just frustrated and tired of being walked all over at work (which I suppose could also be seen as a negative influence! Not many role models are doormats....) If I don't vote the same way as the aparents in an election, well maybe my political views are too much of a conflict. Do I have to remain positive or just not be negative? What does that all mean and who gets to measure it??

This whole vague business can rear it's ugly head elsewhere too....for example, visits twice a year or as schedules allow. If you don't think you're going to make time two out of three hundred sixty five days, then just say once a year! Clauses like "as schedules allow" provide easy outs and unreliable information.

I'm sure there are more examples of vague vocabulary, but I can't think of one when it would be absolutely necessary, when there isn't a specific counter-statement that would be just as, if not more appropriate. If you have one, perhaps from your own OA-A please share, as I really am just learning myself.

It's a vicious circle, but I put my money on specifics understanding that wiggle room for growth will be needed as the relationship progresses.

Thoughts?

My oldest has attachment disorder. Her first mom has mental health problems which prevented her from understanding the complexity and demands of motherhood. When we assumed custody my daughter was a lifeless soul. Her eyes were hauntingly empty. Any attempts at giving her physical affection were rejected with scratches and bites that drew blood, hair pulling or angry screaming and kicking.

The first two years were spent rehabilitating her and helping her acclimate to a healthy home environment. All the while, we maintained visits with her first mother but in neutral, casual environments. Typically after visits, I became my daughter's punching bag, literally, for then next two days. We assumed she was acting out her anger regarding her abuse as an infant in her firstmother's care. Unable to verbalize her emotion, it made sense so I dealt with it. More than anything, I wanted my daughter to be well.

Seven and a half years later, two things have changed. First, we no longer have visits with the children's firstmother. Her mental health challenges make visits difficult at best and she has since married a violent man who, at our last visit three years ago, attacked me. Second, my daughter no longer violently assaults the people that love her. Instead, she screams, whines and has insane temper tantrums at everyone and everything.

Psychological intervention has done little to abate her emotional distress. Likewise with medication. To say that as a mom, I am overwhelmed by my child and grieving for the loss of what I thought would be a delightful experience in motherhood is an understatement. I have spent a lot of time crying, a lot of time being angry myself, a lot of time trying to be the best damn mother I know how for a child that often makes it clear that if I were chopped liver, she might love me more.

She wakes up screaming at me. She goes to bed doing the same. Even now, she is generally unresponsive to my attempts at physical affection. Some times I don't bother. Some times I hug and kiss her hard, hoping she'll receive it finally. During my trials with my daughter, it doesn't escape me that it is because of her firstmother's mental challenges that I know face mine. I don't begrudge firstmom for being impaired, I begrudge the extended first family that is unwilling to acknowledge the hardships my husband and I endure on behalf of our daughter.

Firstmom is remarried to a man older than her father. They have a child together even though between the two of them and their previous partnerships, six children have been removed from their custody by the state. They elude the same fate for their youngest child by moving away every time the state opens a case in their county. By the extended first family's own admission and by the observances of my adoption lawyers, this child is in jeopardy. All I can think about is my daughter and the heart break we have endured attempting to repair the damage. I think of the same happening to this new toddler and I grieve all over again.

Firstmom's youngest sister, whom I've taught or tutored for the last six years, is graduating in two weeks. She'll be at her sister's party, as she should be. But there's the rub. Will we? With the current behaviors my oldest daughter is still facing and the resultant challenges I endure as her mother, the thought of a visit makes me ill.

I feel like a back stabber and a liar and a cheat. I agreed to an open adoption, an agreement I now find myself unable to honor due to circumstances. I hear the judge's words on adoption day in my head, "do you promise to love this child, to do your best to protect her from harm, to raise her to adulthood and beyond, do you understand and accept the challenges of parenthood, will you do everything in your power to create a loving, nurturing home for her?" I said, "I Do and I Will."

Right now, a visit seems contrary to what I swore to under oath in a court of law before the Honorable Judge. Unfortunately, that agreement is the only legal and binding one.

I'm sorry firstmom, but our daughter must come first.

We are in a semi-open adoption relationship with our son's first mother. The first year we sent the agreed upon pictures and letters through the agency and on his first birthday we got a letter and some pictures back from her. The next time we sent a letter, pictures and a gift through the agency, it was all returned to us. The agency said to stop sending them stuff but to keep writing. She had moved without updating her address. I have asked the agency to try to find her new address and contact her but they won't.

So, I just happened to type her name in to a search on Facebook and she popped right up! I am really tempted to create another more anonymous page for us and contact her by sending our email address through Facebook. I just want to let her know that we still would like contact with her and that we are still here hoping to hear from her when she is ready. I don't want to inflict unnecessary pain on her. She can ignore the request or write back if she wants. My husband thinks that this is pushy and inappropriate. I feel like it might open the door for her a little. Is it wrong to do this without the agency involved?