Does any other adoptive Mom experience anxiety whenever the birth families contact you? Or is it just me?
My little girl will be two this February. We rarely hear from the birthmother (unless she is replying to my e-mail)….but the birthfather and …well…mostly his parents contact us pretty regularly. Which is OK. I understand why. But I always get a “pang” of anxiety in my gut whenever I see their name on an e-mail or receive yet another package in the mail. I just was curious if this is common and/or will it go away.
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oh my gosh, I have the same anxiety everytime there is an email or phone call. I wonder what I will be asked next and if it will end. I feel so territorial before each visit, but it usually works out ok. My daughter’s fm visits every 3 months (or so we outlined–but it is actally every other month since I feel sooooooo guilty saying no) and the anxiety is terrible. I think it is a major learning curve and the adaptation is the hardest part. I over analyze every little thing and worry about so many things I shouldn’t. This site has helped me see things in a different way—a way my family and friends who scream “cut off all contact” just don’t understand. We actually had a visit tonight and so many things said made me anxious, and even though we have the so called “control” over the situation and visits, it always makes me nervous. You are NOT alone.
i too have that.. basically because my sons fm isnt the most stable of girls. shes doing well NOW.. but sometimes i cringe to get that email because i dont know if shes doing ok or if something has gone wrong. For instance, she joined job corps!! GREAT,, shes getting her GED, taking classes,, but found out she almost got KICKED OUT! I hate getting emails like that. So in my case its because im afraid for her failing.
First of all to the couple who is having the birth father stay, I’m impressed, this is rare, how old is he? Second, I’m a birth mom post 2.5 years. It definitely gets better. Think of when you and your spouse got married, there were things that were akward and over time they worked out. I remember at the beginning thinking that my little girls family was letting me visit cause they felt obligated. Now I have new concerns. I will work through those as well. Communication is the key.
I wanted to reply to this. I often wonder how my son’s adoptive parents feel when I send them emails or try calling them.
I wondered this alot especially in the first few months after I placed my son with them.
I am a first mom, but I can only guess that some part of an adoptive parent is worried that a first parent could ‘take away’ their child.
Of course I hope that I have not ever given this impression to my son adoptive parents, they are his only parents as far I am concerned.
I would much rather cut off my right arm then ‘take’ my son back. To what would I take him anyways.
I know noone said what I just said in the above, but I think that is what this is about, fear of losing a person you now care about deeply, that person being your adopted child.
As a first mom I have tried my best not to ‘bother’ my son’s adoptive parents too much. I show my interest by commenting on FB pictures.
I wonder if that bothers my sons adoptive mom…??
I have to say, I remember in the beginning, the first two weeks, I held off calling them for the most part. They called *me* once asking if I wanted to visit, I did, and I tried but didn’t make it in the end(my ride backed out..sigh!)
Of course for an adoptive parent, before everything is final, it is a very anxious time, I can appriecate that even though I am a first mom.
To tell you the truth, I too was relieved when it was all final. It all kind of anti-climatic in my case. No court or anything, the adoptive parents just got a call from a judge saying that their application was rubber-stamped as approved. No contesting happened, everyone was agreeable about contact.
Or so I believed at the time, in my mind I only contact my son’s adoptive parents when the time that they agreed to contact me has passed, because during the one or two (sometimes three) visits I get a year I ask when they will contact me again. Just to get a feel of how busy their lives are and when it would be possible for them to contact me. If they fail to contact me at the time that they themselves agreed they would, I contact them.
With all you saying that emails and contact makes you nervous, part of me is thinking is that it’s also about the accountibility that first parents bring into your lives. I mean, parents by birth only have the accountiblity of their family, who has known them all their lives(ideally).
With first families here are people who can judge you objectively and anyone would feel nervous about that for sure!!
I know I feel nervous about my sons adoptive family seeing me so objectively, I think all my worst qualities are going to show first, nobody wants that..lol
So glad to hear that I’m not abnormal for cringing a bit when I see an email from our birthfamily! Our birthmother is grieving so much that she had tried to kill herself- we’ve had our son for 3 months, since he was 9 months old. Her emails are so painful to read. I finally had to gently remind her that, while it is tragic that she is not parenting, her son is alive and well and she gets regular updates about him and will visit him in May. I had 2 miscarriages, so I never got to meet my babies.
The birthfather, who lives across the country, is very critical. I’ve learned to carefully screen any picture I send them to make sure there’s nothing he can question (first set of pics included one where you could see where my son scraped his chin and the birthfather got upset). He also makes demands about pacifier use, etc. Of course, that’s not as challenging as the birthmother telling us not to raise our son to celebrate holidays or his birthday (she’s a Jehovah’s Witness).
I got so overwhelmed that I contacted our adoption attorney for advice and she suggested that I might change my email! She agreed that they were being too challenging to deal with. I didn’t do that but I’ve learned to thank them for their advice or concern and move on. We’re going to raise our son how we told them we would when they met with us before placement. And we are very, very careful for him to be safe…
Another thing I did was to set up a personal website free on Shutterfly where you can post updates and photos. This allows the birthfamily to spend as much time as they want pouring over his pictures and journal entries and I don’t have to email them directly. This really seems to have helped.
I don’t really know if it’s
I don’t really know if it’s common or not, but I know that I was nervous at the beginning around my son’s first family. I think they probably were, too. I mean, we had only known each other for a few weeks and suddenly we were in this lifelong relationship. Who wouldn’t be a little nervous? I felt like I had a responsibility to nurture these relationships for my son’s sake, and I was worried I would do something to screw them up. Some of it was my personality, too. Adoption can be so emotional and complex, and I just wanted to be omniscient and know exactly what everyone was thinking or feeling at any given moment. (I felt the same way around my husband’s family at the beginning of our marriage. Every interaction seemed so loaded–it was exhausting!)
It is SO much better now. Honest. But I still get nervous sometimes when we take another big step in our realtionships with them. My son’s first dad is coming for his first overnight visit with us in a few days and I’m excited, but also super anxious. Because I really want it to go well and it is all bit unknown and out of my control.
Hang in there–and know that at least one other person has shared your experience. It is time and consistent contact that helps me. Getting to know one another better and having enough familiarity that I’m not second-guessing everything that is said or done. And time to do a little soul-searching to see if there is anything underneath my anxiety that I can work on. (Not saying that’s true for you, but it was for me.) Because I really want to sincerely enjoy contact with my son’s first family, so that he can feel free to enjoy them, too.
My husband and I have
My husband and I have been fost/adopt parents for the last 4 months to our beautiful 2 year old daughter. The first mom had weekly visits at the adoption agency for the first three months until her rights were terminated in January. At the hearing to terminate rights we met the first dad and grandma, and also our Jessica’s first mom and grandma. It was SOOOOO awkward, because they did not want to lose their rights to her! We of course want to adopt her.
Anyway, to make a long story short we gave them our e-mail and waited to hear from them. The maternal grandma contacted us right away. We decided to ask if they would like to meet up at Chuck E Cheese for a little b-day party for Jessica. They were thrilled. We meet, and it went extremely well! We decided we want to keep in contact. I am kind of rambling… but yes I feel so nervous everytime I open up our e-mail. I couldn’t hardly eat at Chuck E Cheese because of the feelings. I hope it gets easier each time we meet!
I remember feeling this way
I remember feeling this way at the beginning. I’ve been thinking on this since you posted and trying to figure out how to explain what it was for me. Dealing with Madison’s first family at the beginning of our adoption was emotionally fraught. I was worried about getting it wrong, I was fearful of seeing their pain, I was nervous about screwing it up long-term for Madison. Sometimes I’d think, “I just want to be a parent — not an adoptive parent.” It felt so hard and I wanted it to be easier.
Happily it DID get easier with practice. We have a very open adoption so buy about six months it was easier and I no longer had that anxious “oh no” feeling.
And you know what? That anxious feeling I had is one reason I started this site. When I talked to people about how hard it felt for me very often their answer was, “Close the adoption — it’ll be better for everyone.” But I didn’t believe that and what I needed and really wanted was people who would have the same assumption that openness is good that I did (and do) and could give me support from that vantage point. Fortunately I found that via blogging but I wanted other people to find that without having to look too hard. Because it *does* get easier and it *is* worth it.
Hang in there!
OK, Dawn’s first couple
OK, Dawn’s first couple paragraphs said what I was trying to say–only a lot more clearly.
I feel this way often. My
I feel this way often. My heart jumps if I hear her voice on the answering machine. I am wondering, what’s that in her voice? What is she really saying? We had one call at midnight once and it took me a couple hours to come down off the adrenalin. At times–I’ve had a little twitch whenever the phone rings, period. It seems so important, so fraught, especially if it’s been a longer time since we last spoke–the tension builds and builds the longer we’re out of contact. However, there is also a feeling of relief on the other end, after we’ve just spoken and it’s been a good (or even just OK) conversation.
I’m kind of socially awkward under the best of circumstances, so I expect there to always be some of these feelings swirling in me. I do have hope though, since it’s better now than it used to be, and I expect it will continue to improve.
I get that way also I hated
I get that way also I hated living with the fact that they could come and get Riley anytime they wanted to. Our adoption is going to be final on the 22nd of January and I am so excited. I am hoping once everything is final that the anxiety will go away. Any hope for me?