We have an open adoption with very little or sporadic contact. We had very little time to get to know first mom before birth two years ago, we have not seen her since, and we go very long periods without hearing from her. We really don’t know her well at all. We would love to have more contact and visits — a real relationship with her.
Recently, I casually offered that she come visit us (across the country), assuming she would ignore my message, as she often has. This time, she said yes! At first, I was so excited, but now the reality of the visit is sinking in. First, I’m nervous about having a houseguest that we barely know (even though we consider her to be like family). Second, it occurred to me that we really don’t know anything about her or her life, and, as a parent, absent this special relationship with her, I would never invite someone I don’t know well into my home with my child. Of course, she’s our kid’s mother, too . . .
Have you handled this or a similar situation before? On balance, I’m so excited for all of us for the visit. I guess I just wish we could have had more phone calls, shorter visits, etc. before such a big step. I wish I could slow things down, but I’m afraid not to take advantage of an opportunity to get to know her better while she’s willing. Thanks for your support!
Possibly Related posts:
- What can I do to keep my relationship close with my son even though I live so far from him?
- How can I prepare for a long visit?
- What do you do when she just won’t respond? I just don’t know when to give up.
- How do I decline a first parent’s requests?
- Should I make my daughter come with me to visit her placed sibling?
Even though we had more
Even though we had more regular contact leading up to it, I had a similar nervousness after my son’s first mom took us up on an offer of a longer visit. It wasn’t a concern for my child’s safety as much as the thought, “What if we can’t stand being in the same house together for all those days?”
I think all we can do is be honest about our nervousness but focus on the excitement. The longer stays in our home have turned out to be wonderful for our open adoption. My son’s first parents are able to be a part of his daily routine and really get a sense of his life with us. We adults have gotten to know each other far better than we would have from a string of three-hours visits. Most importantly, I think they’ve reinforced for our son that these are valued family members, the same way other relatives who visit are. There was a marked change in his relationship with each of his first parents after their visits. There is just something unique about longer visits. And if it goes poorly, at least you’ll know to approach future visits differently (and, at two, your son won’t have much of a memory about it). I bet she just may be as nervous about it as you are!
My one piece of advice is to be sure to carve out some time during the visit to renew yourself in whatever way works for you (for me that’s alone time). Even though the visit went well, it brought up a lot of different emotions for me. It’s important to tend to yourself, too.