My 18 year old daughter is having a baby boy in December. She is thinking about letting her 27 year old sister adopt him. She worries that she will regret the adoption when the baby is born, but she wants to go to college and work. What help can you offer us? Books to read? People to talk to?
Thanks!
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My sister wanted to adopt my daughter. I couldn’t do that. She didn’t talk to me for 5 yrs. But I knew she wasn’t the right mother for my child too.
First let me say I admire
First let me say I admire you for putting this out there and asking the question.
There are two issues at
There are two issues at stake here. The first is, does your daughter want an adoption or does she want to parent? The second is, if she does is her sister the appropriate adoptive mother?
As she considers the first issue, she might want to reach out to first moms on this site to hear what they’re happy they did and what they wished they’d done differently. She also should check into what the state laws are around adoption so she knows what her rights are. Also you don’t mention what the expectant dad is thinking about this — she should also find out what his rights and responsibilities are.
And she should connect with other young mothers. The Hipmama Survival Guide is a terrific book about parenting young and/or single that can help give her some information about resources and realities without being focused on failure. While it’s no longer being updated, the site http://girlmom.com/ is also a good resource. She can also contact the college she hopes to attend (as well as other universities and/or community colleges) to find out what they have in the way of helping student parents.
If she does choose to parent, it might temporarily get her off-track of her lifeplans but little kids grow pretty quickly and there’s no reason why she can’t go to college and work if not when she hoped/expected to then a little later than she planned.
There are special issues in inter-family adoption that require careful counseling from an unbiased therapist (one who isn’t going to push an agenda but is going to help her and her sister tease things out). Would it be possible to explore guardianship where your daughter would not have to release all parental rights? Could her older sister be a supportive resource instead of doing a full adoption? These are also things to explore.
Guardianship instead of full
Guardianship instead of full adoption seems definitely an option to be fully explored and discussed. Excellent advice
In family adoptions are
In family adoptions are tricky. Will your 18 year old daughter feel unwanted at family gatherings in which your 27 year old daughter is attending? Will she be able to handle the grief of seeing someone else parent her child every time the family gathers? Are you, the mother, willing to lose a child if the two daughters are unable to handle the strains of the adoptive parent and birth parent relationship? Because that’s the harsh reality of in family adoption.
When it all comes down to it, the LOT of you need to get into counseling immediately. You and both daughters need to sit down and discuss the ins and outs of what can go right, what can go wrong and what each party needs to be doing. Boundaries need to be set and no matter how smart you guys are, you need the help of an unbiased third party to really help you lay it on the line.
Books that will help each of you understand certain issues are Lifegivers and The Spirit of Open Adoption. Both are by James L Gritter. That said, neither addresses the nitty-gritty of in family adoption and that really only further stresses the need for counseling at this point.
I hope that your main
I hope that your main concern is your daughters well-being at this point. Honestly I don’t openly recommend that any women place her child for adoption. You must first seek any means possible to assist her in the choice of parenting and if that is not working out then make an adoption plan. I must stress this must be your daughters choice. As well December is the most stressful month of the year. Although for pregnant women it is good to be pregnant in winter. I was and I loved it just on a physical standpoint.:) Maybe you should consider making a plan of child care till mid-Feburary then let your daughter decide whether parenting is something she would like to do??? Many many many women have children and still go to college and work. There is help out there and you are one of the most important people who can be there for your daughter!! I know you are looking for answers but I must tell you that YOU might be the answer for you daughter!!! Just curious but why does is she considering placing with her sister? Do they have a good relationship? Are you in close relationship with both daughters? By the way, whether or not it is the right decision for you daughter to make she will no doubt regret it. I do and most birthmoms that I have communicated with do, even if they think it was a good decision.
Hi. I agree with Dawn, there
Hi. I agree with Dawn, there are two issues: (1) Does she WANT to place for adoption, and (2) If so, is her sister the right person to place with?
However, I would add that even if the answer to number 1 is “yes, she wants to place,” there are more questions to be explored prior to moving on to issue #2. Questions like, Why does she want to place? Are her reasons for wanting to place grounded, based in reality–or are they based on misinformation or assumptions? How did she obtain any information she has about adoption? Is she getting counseling? And so on.
Your post states that she worries she’ll regret the adoption, but she wants to go to college and work. This statement sends off a warning bell in my mind, because it seems that she’s assuming she can’t go to college, work, AND parent…. so she’s considering adoption. This is what I mean about evaluating whether her decision is based on assumptions or reality. The reality is, plenty of women do single parent, go to college, and work. It’s possible to do all three. Might it take her longer to get through college? Yes. Will she have to make sacrifices? Yes. Is it doable? Yes.
College and career opportunities will always exist. The chance to raise her own child…. if she gives that up, the chance is gone. Period.
My recommendation, especially to first-time mothers, is to put a parenting plan in place and try it out. See how it goes. If after a couple months it’s clear that she truly cannot parent, she can place her child then. There’s no deadline for placing.
Finally, you asked for reading material. This is absolutely the first thing I recommend all women in your daughter’s situation read–a booklet by Heather Lowe about things to consider if you’re considering placing a baby for adoption: http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1
As far as in-family adoption… Jenna made some excellent points. It’s going to create very, very unusual dynamics in your family if she places this baby with her sister. I agree that you need to ask yourself if you’re prepared to lose one of your daughters, if this in-family placement should happen. Rational or not, many of us first moms (birth moms) struggle with anger, jealousy, and hurt towards the adoptive parents of our children. It’s such a whirlwind of emotions.
I can tell you this: I have needed my mom. I needed her fully, completely, 100% to be on MY side. I needed her to help me process my feelings post-placement. I needed her to comfort me. I needed her to be behind me. I needed her to be a safe place for me to say, “I totally disagree with this parenting decision they just made! And it sucks! And I’m mad!” I needed her to listen when I needed to cry and sob that this was the worst decision I ever made and I just want my little girl back. I am not sure my mom could have helped me in those ways, could have fully listened to me in my moments of anger, if the person I was angry with was her other daughter/my sister.
Good luck. This is a momentous decision…. and no matter what your daughter chooses, her life will never be the same again. Adoption does not get rid of consequences and will not allow your daughter to continue life as if she’d never been pregnant…. it just brings different consequences. My suggestion would be to do your best to help her understand this, so that she can make an informed, reality-based choice.
This is great advice and
This is great advice and it’s nice to see you around the internets!!!!!
This totally what I was
This totally what I was trying to say!!!:D! Thank you for you excellant way with words!!! I am with you on every word as a fellow birthmom!! I greatly look forward to reading your posts in the future!!!