how can i set boundaries with the bmom with out seeming overbearing? She still calles him “her son” when were together and around ppl. i dont know how to bring things up with out hurting her.
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Hi, thanks for your post, we are in the similar situation. We are foster parents who are in the process of adopting two boys, one 3yrs old and the other 8mths. The 3yr old came from neglect and drugs, and has been with us for a year. The 8mth old came at 2 days old, right from the hospital. His situation was first mom not choosing good partners for herself and being in a domestic relationship with first father. We want open adoption for both our boys, and I often thought about how that will go when it comes to the first parents accepting us for the parents instead of the foster parents. I am so glad to have found this thread. Thanks again for posting, I hope that first mom can come to grasps with the reasons her child was taken, and that it was for his best interest. As for subjecting him to what he came from, I would have to say, that you have not and by offering him a relationship with his first mom, you are allowing him to see her in good position in her life, as opposed to living the life of drugs and neglect. And a life that he did not have to grow up in with neglect and drugs, just lots of people who love him.
Well, at risk of sounding
Well, at risk of sounding harsh, he IS her son. He’s your son, too, but he’s also hers. Our daughter’s first mom calls Madison her daughter because Madison IS her daughter. Being Pennie’s daughter doesn’t make her any less mine anymore than my husband referring to Madison as HIS daughter. I mean, she’s his daughter and my daughter and yes, Pennie’s daughter.
I guess I’m wondering if you feel threatened by this because you feel threatened in other ways. Do you feel secure in your parenting relationship? Are there other things your son’s first mom does that rubs you the wrong way? Do you feel like your battling with her a little? Maybe you need to think if there are other things going on because this one thing — referring to your shared son as her son — doesn’t seem like a big deal in and of itself.
The agency we used for our
The agency we used for our first adoption promoted the terms “birth son” and “birth daughter,” as did the literature they had us read. So I was unprepared to hear my child’s birth mom call him “her son.” It was hard for me at first, just like it sounds like it is for you. But the problem wasn’t that her language needed to change, it was that I needed to sort some things out emotionally.
There are times when the adults in open adoptions need to set boundaries with one another. But–and I say this gently–this is something you need to work out inside yourself as the adoptive parent. His birth mom calling him her son doesn’t make him less yours anymore than your partner calling him his/her son. It was so freeing for me to really believe that. (Now, if she is not also acknowledging him as your son, that would be something to discuss.)
I wrote a little about my experience with this on elsewhere OAS: http://www.openadoptionsupport.com/node/97.
I am actually scared to call
I am actually scared to call my birthchild just ‘mine’. I think of my birthchild as mine, but I know that the parents are the parents. My birthchilds parents have only once let me visit them with others around. The other times we meet exclusively just myself and them. Its really good that you include her with others you know. I think is a sign that you sons birth/first mom is really comfortable around you. Why would comments like ‘my son’ bother you? I call my nieces and newphew ‘mine’ , not ‘my sisters children’ I think it would probably bother my sister if she heard me talk that way. Unless your sons birthmom is acting like the parent around other people and totally ignoring you I don’t understand why this is a problem. If you want to set boudaries I think should should just tell her that your feeling left out if she is acting like the parent.
This one doesn’t bother me,
This one doesn’t bother me, as my son’s first mom never uses it to try to usurp or denigrate and never tries to “claim” him as ONLY hers…it’s just truthful. He is her son, and he is my son.
When we visited her last week she introduced us to people who wouldn’t know our names (very few as it turns out didn’t already know who we were by name) as “My son and his parents” and I overheard her refer to me as “My son’s Mom, B” on the phone.
It depends on context and
It depends on context and quantity. When we went back to visit DS’s bmom, she saw some people she knew and introduced Jack as her son and me as his mom. When she refers to Jack as her son, I admit that it causes some cognitive dissonance, but she’s right. She gave birth to him, so, biologically, he is her son.
If your son’s bmom is constantly referring to your son as “my son”, if she behaves as though she is his one and only mom, and you’re just taking care of him, then that’s a horse of a different color.
thank you all so much for
thank you all so much for your input! I guess i should have said we adopted through dss, he was our foster child first he was removed from bmom for sever neglect and drug use. i WANTED openess for our sons sake so we agreed to 3x ayear instead of her having her rights terminated i knew the long term consequences of that and shes so young. my thing is i dont think shes come to terms with it. she insits that he was take wrongfully and he should never have been placed. But i TOTALLY agree he is her son , she just still will introduce me as HER sons foster mom. maybe its me, but that kinda hurts.
Thanks so much for coming
Thanks so much for coming back and adding this context!
This sounds like such a very painful situation for everyone involved. How old is your son? How long ago were rights terminated?
No, that would be a really
No, that would be a really hard situation for me, too! The acknowledgement has got to go both ways.
Have you been able to talk with her about other sensitive topics, or would this be the first time you’re raising an issue? How old is your son?
hi again dawn …on july
hi again dawn …on july 17 bmom had 2choices … to go to trial and have rights terminated or agree to an open adoption .(.we requested that) . he was placed with us when he was 3 mts old..and we were faced with reunification until mom fell back into trouble shes young only 19 now and hes 2. adopting through dss is VERY different from what i read here. He was not placed for adoption because she was a loving mother wanting what was best.. he was placed in my home as my foster child to protect and care for! HE has become the love of my life.I want him to know her, but with her history and behaviors I just wonder if its best. She didnt do anything out of love for him, she INSITS,,he was wrongflully taken away, even though when police arrived he was ALONE, and beer bottles decorated the place along with drugs. SOoo I just need support in knowing I AM doing whats best,because sometimes I feel like im subjecting him to xactly what he was removed from.
Hi momx6–There are other
Hi momx6–
There are other parents on here who also adopted from CPS and yes, the issues are very different than they are in most private domestic adoptions. I hope that you can reach out to some of the folks on here and get perspective from other parents who have been there!!!