I am sure this question has probably been asked before but I want to ask it again. What would be reasons that would motivate adoptive parents to ‘close’ an adoption. Do adoptive parents ever feel like they are being judged by first parents and want to limit or stop contact because of that feeling? Are the reasons for ‘closing’ an open adoption more about differing values and lifestyles, or more personal like wanting to have sole influence on the adopted child.
Also, what makes adoptive parents comfortable with an open adoption? Stable first parents? High self-esteem? Being in agreement with first parents about values and morals? What the reasons that make adoptive parents want to either close an adoption or open an adoption?
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I think it really totally depends on the adoptive parents, what their expectations are and the particular logistics of their children’s adoptions. What I’ve heard is that some adoptive parents close adoptions for what are pretty selfish reasons (too time consuming, too much trouble) but many do it because they don’t know what else to do. Either they have safety concerns or they feel in over their heads (because there’s such lack of post-adoption support) and they just don’t know how to maintain openness. So say for example, if a child is expressing grief around the adoption, sometimes parents relate this to openness instead of seeing it as normal adoptee grief that is more directly expressed because of openness. Or they don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries so they just close the adoption.
The truth is, the world at large has a “close the adoption” mentality, especially when the going gets rough and so I think many adoptions close because we aren’t told that there are ways to keep them open. Hopefully communities like this can help change that.
I am sure the reasons vary as much as people vary. There is no single answer.
Some, maybe many, are probably motivated by insecurities. They
don’t “get it” and don’t even try to understand why open adoption is preferable, fear their own abilities to establish and communicate boundaries, are afraid their child will love the first parents more etc. They may even adhere to some level of “blank slate” theory and assume that biology is not important.
Some may be plain selfish and not want to do the work necessary to maintain any healthy relationship.
Others may feel it necessary due to first parent problems like drugs or alcoholism.
I am comfortable with open adoption because I believe relationships are the most important thing in life, period. I want strong relationships with different types of people for my son, and for myself. Shared basic values and some level of stability help, for sure, but differences of opinion that are discussed expand my views and challenge my thinking, so I learn from them as well.
Also, his family of origin is an invaluable source of insight into his unique nature. He has sensitivities and proclivities I don’t share, and when I am unsure about something I can call up his first mom and ask “DS reacted to X this way, and I don’t know what to do/say, what do you think?” and she will have an anecdote about herself or her nephew (his cousin) that sheds light on the situation and informs my parental response.
All this is moot if there is no communication, though. I wonder if less successful open adoptions are due to one or both parties being poor communicators in general, or unable to communicate effectively with each other for some reason.
Open, honest communication. That’s the only way to make it work. From ALL sides. It’s hard, hard work. There are hills and valleys of success. But unless BOTH sides are willing to do that work, it will fail.
Adoptions are like finger prints. Each is so different that it is impossible to generalize. I do not speak for all adoptive parents, only myself based on my limited first hand experience with only two adoptions. So these answers only pertain to me and should not be applied to “adoptive parents”.
“What would be reasons that would motivate adoptive parents to ‘close’ an adoption.”
I would only close an adoption if the safety or well being of my children were threatened.
“Do adoptive parents ever feel like they are being judged by first parents and want to limit or stop contact because of that feeling?”
I haven’t felt that way, no. But I don’t worry about what other people think of my lifestyle, so I may well have been judged and didn’t take notice. I don’t feel that it matters.
“Are the reasons for ‘closing’ an open adoption more about differing values and lifestyles, or more personal like wanting to have sole influence on the adopted child.”
I don’t avoid people based on values or lifestyles, nor do I think it’s a good idea to shelter my children from their relatives, unless there are safety concerns. Unless requested by the child, safety is the only reason I would feel the need to avoid anyone.
“Also, what makes adoptive parents comfortable with an open adoption? Stable first parents? High self-esteem? Being in agreement with first parents about values and morals?”
I feel comfortable with open adoption because I think it’s what is best for my children as long as they are safe. Stability, self-esteem, values and morals are all relative concepts. I don’t feel like it’s my place to deem another worthy or un-worthy of contact with the children they created based on these things.
“What the reasons that make adoptive parents want to either close an adoption or open an adoption?”
I’m starting to feel like a broken record here. I do not speak for “adoptive parents”, only myself. IMO, adoption should be open because of the many benefits to the children (not going to take the time to list them, but I spent a lot of time researching and pondering what was best for MY children). I would never consider anything else unless there was a safety issue. The only thing that would make me close an open adoption is a threat of physical harm, mental harm, or emotional harm to the child(ren). Of course, I’m speaking as the mother of young children. At some point they will have their own opinions about it, and when that happens they will take the reins and decide what they think is best regarding their relationships with their birth families.
“Also, what makes adoptive parents comfortable with an open adoption? Stable first parents?”
This may sound crazy, but I sometimes think it’s my stability that makes Dee uncomfortable with our open adoption…I sometimes think that she sees me as someone that’s educated, has a job, has her act together, and (if I may say so) is GREAT with kids. I think she realizes that I probably COULD have parented, and would have done a great job at it.
And I would have….but I wasn’t ready to.
I can feel Dee pulling away though at those times…
I find myself in a different situation. I am trying to figure out how to keep an open adoption open, while the birthmom is retreating. she cancels visits, ignores my efforts to reschedule and rarely ever returns calls (even when the message is from DS). We’ve gone from five visits in the first year to none at all last year.
Right now, I am trying to keep our adoption open through members of birthmom’s extended family, but it’s frustrating. The family member who makes the greatest effort to be part of DS’s life, birthmom’s paternal grandmother, appears to hate birthmom which leaves me wondering how helpful it will be for DS.
Yes, every situation is different. My open adoption could very well close one day, but in this case the choice is definitely not ours.
imashelkaikai, I hope it’s some comfort to hear that according to Sharon Roszia (adoption professional, adoptive parent, open adoption advocate) having an open adoption with any family member goes a long, long way. Because Sharon says that what kids need is to know that they are loved by their first family. And that when there isn’t a relationship with their first parent, other first family members can help them understand why that is by giving them some of the history/background. I’m sorry that it’s so hard. (And I know you’re not the only adoptive parent on here who wishes they had more openness with a missing in action first parent.)
Thanks Dawn. It’s so hard when birthmom’s grandmother is so critical of her own granddaughter. But as an open adoption advocate myself, I agree with Roszia which is why I continue to reach out to birthmom and keep the communications channels open with extended bio-family members.
I have two reasons why I keep our adoption open 1) I owe it to the birth mom, who loved her child enough to know that she wasn’t ready, and she loved us and him enough to allow us to be his mommy and daddy, and 2) most importantly, for my son. So he never has to wonder where he came from and so he’ll always know the beauty of how he came to be our greatest gift.
We are fortunate that we were at the right place at the right time. My son was created by our nephew and his then girlfriend, both of whom were not ready to become parents. I believe God placed us there, as I was the one to purchase the pregnancy test and was the second person to see the positive line. As talk of the alternative began to float around the room, my husband and I spoke up for the life of this little one. Fortunately, God allowed our words to later reverberate through the birth mom’s mind and convinced her to walk out of a clinic. They made the decision to allow us to become his parents. I was blessed to be part of the entire process. I heard his heartbeat for the first time, saw the ultrasounds and knew we were having a son…I like to say he was ours before he was born.
I look at him everday and thank God for her brave choice, the choice to carry him within her for those 9 months, so he could have life, and also for the courage she had to place him in my arms. Everyday I thank God for my now 4-year old son…who tells me several times a day that he loves me more than all the stars in the sky and the moon. I keep our adoption open because in our case there was no other way for us…we all deserve it to be this way.
Both birth parents now live several states away, as they moved where her parents were, but they were unable to make make their relationship work. Our nephew calls the family often and he’s getting his life in order. He now has a daughter with another woman, who has a young son as well, and he is an excellent father who shoulders most of the child care himself. The birth mom has traveled to our home the past two years for a weekend visit. This year she was here for our son’s birthday. She doesn’t really attempt to bond with our son but she loves to observe all that he does. However she feels comfortable is fine with us. She text messaged me yesterday to tell me she is several weeks pregnant. She is in shock, but very excited and happy. Both birth parents have grown a lot in the past 4+ years. We are happy for both new families.
Someday, my son may want to meet his two half-siblings. I will support whatever choices he makes and will always be open with him, as he discovers more about himself and has a better grasp on how he came to be ours. For now, he knows Jesus put him in K*******’s belly so he could grow into our baby. At four, it’s a start. I will always want him to know that adoption is a beautiful thing. It has to be, for it gave us him