Why don’t first FATHERS get the same consideration as first moms. I know in some situations it doesn’t work out. I can’t help but wonder if people want to ’write off’ a first father before he gets a chance to prove he cares.
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As much consideration from whom? The adoptive parents? The first mom?
Our relationship with first dad is not anywhere near as comfortable and “family-like” as with first mom, but we keep in touch with him and the door is open. He will be here for a 3 day visit tonight as a matter of fact.
I gotta tell you, Cindy, I have had to work hard on first father stuff just because my own experiences pre-Madison and then our situation now. I really need to work on understanding and compassion in this arena.
From whom? yes, from everyone! I think though that my son’s first dad is more family oriented than I am because he is married and expecting a child and I am not. It just seems sometimes in the ‘adoption world’ that the focus is no the first mom when that is not fair to the first dad!
I am a first father, as the terminology goes – I’m still learning it all as I am new to these support forums. Why don’t first dads get as much consideration as first moms? It’s an easy answer… In the statistical population of men who impregnate women before either are ready to be parents, our track record in terms of involvement and emotional investment is bleak at best. Given the first obligation of all involved in open adoptions is to the emotional wellbeing and support of the child, it’s natural for the moms and adoptive dads to frame the expectations of first dad involvement in realistic terms. As a first dad, I see no reason to feel slighted or marginalized because we have to step up to the plate and earn the same kind of trust and respect that first moms are more liberally afforded. Generally,first moms and dads are NOT EQUAL in either the amount of ‘trauma’ involved in giving a baby up or in the emotional long term impact the kind of long term relationship we maintain has on the child. Maybe it is partly cultural, but it most certainly is a primitive biological driver. I think that much is obvious. What in fact is the problem with having to prove yourself given the stakes involved? It’s an obligation we should embrace and seriously fulfill if we want to be that kind of first dad.
Wow Kelley, well put!
My son’s biological father chose not to be a part of his life. So, he doesn’t get any consideration, frankly. I had hoped to be able to contact him someday to get some info for Jack, but his behavior to Jack’s birthmom since his birth is not encouraging.
I would like to agree that it’s a matter of effort an involvement. A first mother, in giving birth and making that sacrifice, has given an inherent sort of involvement and effort. For a first father, it often takes a little something extra to match that.
I’m adopted myself, and I just have to say that my birthdad is one of the most cherished people in my life. Where my first mother is essentially MIA most of the time, I’ve been able to develop a long-lasting and wonderful relationship with my first father and his family. So, power to all first fathers!