So, awhile ago I dropped by my son’s bio grandmother’s shop to say hi. It was on my way and I just thought it’d be a nice surprise. She hasn’t seen him in awhile and I always get the feeling like she doesn’t want to ”bother” us. We have good relations w/ bparents as well. So, we did and she was all smiles and tears and then I told my friend who also is a birthmom and she said that was not a good idea. That it is too hard on the bio grandparents and it’s like torture for them to see their grandchild but not be able to enjoy/be with him. I have asked bparents and biograndma about this, but they are either vague or don’t respond to my emails. They are poor communicators in general, never responding to my emails, pics, letters etc… I don’t know what they want. I’m just trying to be nice. Should I lay off and just wait for them to instigate? I feel like if I do that he’ll only see them maybe once a year or two. What to do?
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Hmmm. I guess I’d be specific. Like I’d say, “I’m willing to bring him by any time but I’m going to wait until you ask me because I think you know best when you’re ready to see him.” And I’d also reiterate that they shouldn’t feel bad asking. I don’t think dropping by is necessarily bad but I’d call first. I remember talking to a woman who hosted a first mom in college (it was some kind of exchange program through the first mom’s college) and unexpected letters/phone calls would send her spiraling into a depression. She needed time to prepare herself and would have been happier controlling the contact but was afraid that explicitly saying this would mean NO contact. So I guess I’d say keep reaching out (it sounds like you will definitely have to do more of the work to keep in contact) but try to give them control about the visits otherwise. Does that make sense?
I think you have to trust your judgment. I personally don’t like drop in visits from anybody. Even if it was Colin Farrell on my doorstep. LOL I like to prepare myself. But that’s just me. I would continue to do whatever you agreed to do in the beginning whether it’s send photos or whatever and then maybe send them an open invitation of if they would like to visit that they could feel free to contact you and then just give them some space. Our daughter’s paternal grandmother comes for visits once or twice a year but her maternal grandparents do not wish to. I think it is just too hard for them. However our daughter’s birthmom knows that if and when they would like to see her they are welcome in our home anytime.
Having an open relationship with birth families and adoptive families is not a familiar role to most of us. So I think we all have to be open to how it evolves with the idea of respect for each others feelings and ultimately what’s best for our children.
I hope this was helpful in some small way.
Warmly,
Julia
I would keep reaching out. Our daughter’s birthmom is very shy and rarely asks for visits but I know she wants to see her as does the rest of the family. So if we didn’t initiate then she would rarely see her.
I would call in advance to prepare them. I think it’s great that you just dropped by though. I’m sure it went a long way in letting them know how much you want them in your son’s life.
I don’t understand your friend’s warning. If it is an open adoption, and you consider them grandparents, then they can “enjoy/be with him” as grandparents. Adoption doesn’t have to preclude a pretty normal grandparent/grandchild relationship.
Our situation is somewhat similar in that I have absolutely no idea what birthmom expects/wants in terms of contact. She never answers my emails and when I’ve asked in person she gives me non-answers. She refused to have a written contact agreement but won’t follow through on a verbal one. She hid her pregnancy, so I don’t have bio-grandparent options.
So, I send her a monthly email, always on the same date. A few times I sent notes at other random times, but worried that I may catch her off guard and didn’t want to keep dropping emotional bombs on her when she wasn’t expecting it. I asked her if that was the case, but she never responded. In my emails I include every little detail of my son’s life that I can possibly remember. Sometimes I include pictures, although, must admit that sometimes I don’t. I do keep our flickr account updated with pictures throughout the month so she can go there (or not) whenever she wants. Since I never hear back from her I don’t know if she reads my emails, puts them into a folder to save for later, or just throws them away. I figure if I’m consistent then she knows to prepare for it.
I close every email with something along the lines of “we’d love to see you. we have something planned x or y weekend, but other than that we are pretty free. let me know if you want to go to the park/come over for dinner/etc. hope to hear from you soon.” I try to give her specific invitations that she can respond to (and once she actually did).
That’s all I know to do. I figure that as long as I stick to it she may come around. On the plus side it’s been really nice to have those emails as a record of his life, especially since his baby book is, ahem, not exactly, ahem, complete. It’s definitely something that has made me realize how easy it is to let the relationship go completely dormant. I just have to be willing to be the one to do all of the work (which really is not my nature). I don’t want her to ever feel hesitant about wanting to contact us.
Long story long, my advice is to keep asking.
I would probably agree with your birthmom friend… I have an open adoption, and my mother plans to have contact with the aparents, but I think an unexpected visit would be too much for either of us. I adore my bson and his parents, but I do need to be in the right frame of mind to see them. I’m pumping milk for them at this point, so I am in very regular contact with them, but there are still days when a text from his dad will cause me to tear up…
Even if you have a great relationship and they see him frequently, their relationship will still always be a little different than it would be if your son was living with her daughter… even if it’s just that seeing him reminds her of the pain she had to watch her daughter go through when she decided to place.
So, it’s great that you are comfortable enough with them to just stop by, but it would probably be a good idea to at least call ahead… and be ok if the answer is no.
Hope that’s helpful!