Do you think it is possible for the birth mom and the adoptive mom to be friends; either stay friends if they knew each other before, or become friends if they did not?
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I know it’s possible because my son’s first mom has become one of my closest friends. We consider each other beloved family.
I don’t know. I think it would be nice if it was possible but I’m afraid to get too close to my daughter’s mom. I think there’s a distinct difference between being friendly and being friends. I need her to be “Mom” first. Being mom doesn’t keep her from having friendships but being friends with me might be a conflict of interests as our daughter gets older. I worry that a close friendship between me and her mom might make our daughter feel excluded as she gets older and I want the relationship to be about her, not the adults. I think a friendship could be possible if both parties really wanted it but for me personally, I don’t think we can or should ever really be close friends.
My intuition tells me that it would probably depend on the nature of the adoption and the attitudes/personalities of both the birthparents and adoptive parents.
Let me explain. I would say a birthmother would have much more resentment toward the adoptive parents (whether they are deserving of it or not) if she were forced to adopt. If she honestly chose adoption for her child for her child’s benefit and she knows in her heart that it was the best thing to do (despite the pain from the loss), then she will not foster so much resentment toward the adoptive parents.
I would also think that if the adoptive parents are truly honoring an open adoption and are going above and beyond to be courteous, open, and welcoming of the birthmother, then I can’t see any reason why the birthmother would not see the adoptive mother (or adoptive parents in general) as friends (at least at some point in time).
The friendship will most definitely not happen overnight, in my opinion, because the birthmother will need to deal with her grief and remember why it was she chose adoption for her child. I would definitely hope, though, that through the healing process, the adoptive parents would give the birthmother someone to lean on, realize the birthmother is going through a lot, and maybe the birthmother could, in time, appreciate the adoptive parents for everything they are doing.
As mamab2c said, it is most definitely possible and it would make the child feel much more comfortable if both sets of parents are comfortable around each other.
I’m sorry for the lengthy answer. I get kind of long winded sometimes. Just so you’re aware, I’m not an adopter, I’m an adoptee (in a closed adoption, but I still can give an opinion lol). I just wanted you to know that nothing I said is from experience, just from what I could logically think about and how I would feel in the situation.
Sure, I believe they can be friends but I think that like any friendship it takes work and it also takes perhaps more patience and understanding than a more typical friendship. I also think it takes honesty and trust and support from those around us. I feel very fortunate to count my daughter’s first mom as my friend and I am grateful that she has been so committed to building a relationship with me. Some of it comes down to luck (we have a lot in common and lots to talk about beyond our daughter) but I give lots of credit to her patience with me and her perseverance in building a relationship with me and my husband and son.
I wish there was more post-adoption support for building relationships because I also think that sometimes a relationship could be saved if there was a neutral person helping with the inevitable challenges. Meanwhile, I rely a lot on my mentors — other adoptive parents with strong relationships with their children’s other parents!!!!
I’ve seen it happen enough that I definitely think it’s possible! I think it’s okay if a friendship doesn’t naturally develop, too. There can still be a mutual respect, compassion, trust, and sense of partnership, even when you’re not pals.
(I’m realizing, too, that we all probably have very different definitions of when a relationship crosses the line into friendship.)
I can honestly say I do care deeply about my son’s adoptive mom. I am not sure if she cares about me at all in the same way but I have been trying not to take that personally.
It is one of my greatest hopes and goals to be real friends with my son’s adoptive mom.
I choose her because I thought we had alot in common(similar hobbies, likes, etc) and really believed that we would be fast friends before I placed my son with her.
Unfortunatly we have not ‘connected’ in the way that I hoped for because she seems to heistate to respond to or even send any communication my way very often.
Sometimes there are emotions on either side of adoption that can get in the way of true friendship because of the boundries needed for it all to work.
I think that an adoptive mom would have to be a really confidant parent to really be friends with her child first mom.
I consider my youngest son’s first mom one of my closest friends, but more than that she’s family, as is her extended family. Before he was my son he was my foster son and it was my job to make sure they stayed in contact, he knew her as much as he could with her being unavailable to visit with him, and I was really, truly hoping they could reunite in a conventional parent/child relationship. When it became apparent that it wasn’t going to happen, and she asked us to adopt him, our relationship went through an awkward period. I’m sure she wasn’t sure I would keep my promise to remain in contact, and I know her family was telling her I wouldn’t, and it was an understandably difficult time for her. With time it’s all worked out and we are comfortable together, despite the fact that we live very different lives.
I certainly think it’s possible, but it’s not a given.
Like hpfreak said, an ethical adoption, where the decision to place is freely made, is more likely to foster the conditions to form a friendship.
In open adoption, the relationship forms in an odd way…two sets of people (hopefully) solving problems for the other. They may or may not have much in common. They may or may not like hanging out together. Just like two people who come together in any other way may not click, two moms from the same adoption may not click. And then again they might.
I’ve got one of each.
I think it’s possible, absolutely – I just also tend to think it’s a dangerous thing to expect from the relationship. I know of people that go into it with these grand visions of the Moms being closest friends and having this seamless relationship with both each other, and with their child. If that happens – awesome! But if it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean that the two women (or men included!!!) can’t be amazing parents (whether first parents or the adoptive parents – I tend to not use qualifiers unless it’s necessary
) to the child!
My daughters Mom and I get along. We’re not friends. I say that with nothing but honesty. I’m not hurt by it, I’m not upset by it, I’m not disappointed by it. In a perfect world, perhaps we would be closer friends, but it is what it is at this point. BUT, she’s a great Mom to Cupcake. She loves her and takes wonderful care of her. Conversely, I’m there for my daughter as well. Whatever she needs of me I’ll do my best by her. Her Mom and I not being friends isn’t going to get in the way of either of the roles we’re meant to fulfill.
We’re friendly – absolutely. We have mutual respect for each other and the roles that we have in her life. And sometimes, that’s enough
You are right Thanksgivingmom!!
I completely agree.
My son’s adoptive mom is a good mom. Just because we are not the closest of friends doesn’t take away from that fact.
Respect is everything to every good relationship.
Ditto what Thanksgivingmom and Heather said. Every single word.
Definitely possible. Necessary? No. Easy? No.
My daughter’s mother is one of my very best friends.
This is an interesting perspective, K — thanks for sharing it. (I do think it’s vital that we all understand that there isn’t one “right” way to do a strong and healthy open adoption.)