My son is six, and was placed with us as an infant in an adoption closed at his first family’s request. His mother was given the option of various levels of contact, and declined all contact. Because the adoption agency and the hospital both messed up, we have a lot of identifying information about our son’s first family: both his parents’ names, dates of birth, their address at the time of placement, where they graduated from high school, their other two children’s names and dates of birth. Our son is now starting to ask a lot of questions about them, and would like to meet them. I’ve done a little preliminary searching on the internet, but have not yet found them.
I have two questions. First, how much should I respect their insistence on no contact? They know that they can contact us if they want through the agency, and they never have. I have no interest in barging into their lives if they still don’t want contact, but I am haunted by the possibility that they have changed their minds but are afraid to barge into our lives. How disrespectful and intrusive would it be to send a note simply saying we’re interested in exploring openness if they ever change their minds, and that their son is thriving, but he misses them and would like to meet them?
Second question: assuming we decide to contact them, what’s the best way to start our search? I know it shouldn’t be hard, given all the information we have, but so far I have not found on-line records that are definitely them. If I should keep trying myself on-line, I would appreciate any recommendations of what is the best “people finder” site before I start paying for reports. If I should hire someone to help, I would appreciate any advice on how to evaluate whether someone is reputable, and what’s a reasonable fee.
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How about contacting the agency just to reiterate to them that you are open for contact if the family so chooses?
I realize why you would want to be able to offer this connection for your son, but there is no way in knowing what the other family wants except for following their last request. Which I think I would feel obligated to do. However, I do think contacting the agency might be a good idea just to make sure they have all your contact information still on file and accurate and to restate your openness.
Bravo to you for being open though. While having an open adoption comes with it’s own awkward moments for us I’m certainly glad we have the arrangement we have.
Good luck in whatever decision you come to.
Julia
Why not have your son write a letter to them, with your help, and then explain to him that you’ll send it to the agency if his birth parents ever decide they want contact. That way it will be there. And since you said that’s where they would go first to find you they would received the letters right away and know that you’re willing to have contact.
If you decide to continue the search, let me know. This kind of research is part of what I do for a living and I have some tips and tricks that might be helpful (I wouldn’t charge you though).
Also you could consider an adoption reunion support forum or even a search angel, most are adoptees who volunteer their time to help facilitate reunions.
If/when you find them, you can decide how best to contact them. I am sure you will be given lots of helpful advice if you do the above and get in contact with a reunion support system
We are in a parallel situation — we sought to open our daughter’s international adoption, only to be met with total distrust by her family. They specifically told us not to contact them again, and we are respecting their wishes. They have a way to contact us if they choose to, and unless they do, we are to assume that door is shut.
It is hard, and frustrating, especially since we are in a very positive open domestic adoption with our other daughter’s family. I think the only thing you can do is let your son write them letters as he needs to and forward them to the agency. When he is an adult he may do a search on his own, and maybe by then his family will be more comfortable with contact. In a situation like this, you just have to respect that his family made what they see as the best decision for their family, and do what you can to help your son grieve that lost connection.
A) I would do it if it was me, knowing what I know about how expectant parents considering adoption are not fully counseled on why continuing contact could be of benefit to all parties involved.
B) I’d go with Facebook/etc first. E-contact is much easier than a BIG letter sent in the mail or a phone call.
I’m a first mom. The daughter I placed, R, will be six in a month. The adoption was originally “semi-open” no identifying information, minimal contact through the agency only. It got to a point for me that I would have rather have had no contact at all than deal with the agency. (We ended up sharing contact email and phone numbers when R was a year old; and identifying stuff about a year ago.) Anyway…I don’t know if your son’s first mom will want the contact with you or will feel that you’re intruding. I don’t know how you could find her. I do know that for me, the adoption agency was the worst part of the experience; I don’t think I would have checked back in with them no matter how much I wanted contact with my child’s family. I wouldn’t’ trust that the agency will continue to run and keep the files and that the first mom will ever go back there. Too much chance and adoption agencies really don’t have a great reputation for assisting reunions. I think your best bet would be to try for direct contact. Even if she tells you she doesn’t want contact now, at least you’ll have that more recent information to try to find her again later.
I’m not sure about B), but as far as A) goes, I think I might try searching if I were in your position. Six years is a long time and their feelings may or may not have changed, especially since I’m guessing the initial decision against openness was made before the adoption had even taken place. But more than that, I think your son expressing his desire for contact is significant and changes the playing field a little. Unless you think they opted for a closed adoption for safety reasons, I’d reach out once, and if they again decline contact, give your son other outlets (like sending letters to the agency) until he is old enough to take the reins himself.
You could also always search for them, then hold on to the information without reaching out. If your son decides to search again later in life, you’d at least have some more current info to give to him.