Hi. I’m new here and happy to have your support. We have an open adoption with my son’s birthmother (and my daughter’s birth mom as well) and are planning a visit soon which will include his older sisters by birth which live with his birthmom and a younger brother who also lives with his birthmom. We also have a daughter who is his little sister through adoption. My son knows he grew in his birthmom’s tummy and that her daughters and baby boy did also. He hasn’t seemed too confused by that so far (he’s 3). We’ve been calling his bio-sibling’s Miss “a”’s kids, but I think that his birthmom’s kids refer to him as their little brother and I’m a little concerned about what they might say to him at our upcoming visit. I know his birthmom will always have his best interest at heart, but kids will be kids, and you can’t predict or control their words.
Has anyone else had to explain birth siblings, particularly older ones, to their child? I know he will eventually have questions about why he was placed, but the other children were not. I have thought and prayed about my answer a lot. I’m also wondering if using the “sister” and “brother” term right now might bring these questions up sooner than later? Like every mom(FM or AP) here, I just don’t want him to be confused or upset–especially if he’s not ready to hear and understand.
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My son is three also, and has two younger sisters: our daughter (his adoptive sister) and his first mom’s daughter (who she’s parenting). We’ve gone ahead and used the brother/sister language at times. “You can call (bio sister) your sister because you both grew in FM’s uterus. Not all sisters and brothers live together.” Or, “(Adoptive sister) is your sister because you have the same mommy and daddy and we all live together as a family.” Thus far the language hasn’t been confusing to him, I think because it describes what he can see is true. He knows the family he lives with and the family he doesn’t. It’s like the way your son probably doesn’t get confused by the fact that he has a birth mother and a mother–he knows just how those two different roles work, because he’s experiencing it first-hand.
Certainly down the road we expect our son to have more questions about why things are the way thy are, but right now he’s all very matter-of-fact about it. Our approach is to get the language out on the table now while the kids are young, hoping it gives them words they can use to ask the questions later.
@Heather, I would just like to say thank you for your response to what an adpoted child is to call thier biological siblings. My fiance and I had our third child (our ther children are 5 and 2) this past June in which we made the painful decision to have him adopted. I chose open adoption as my only request is give all three children the opportunity to get to know and develop a relationship with each other and, with help from some people close to me we found an AMAZING couple four months before my due date. Our other two children have not yet been told that i was pregnant and that they have a little brother (which our son has been begging us for) we did explain adoption to our five year old and they both got to know Thomas’ parents and grew to love his mother melissa. My children did come to see Thomas at the hospital but were told that Michael and Melissa were getting a new baby from another mommy’s belly, they have pictures and while right now we do not feel it is the appropriate time to explain the whole situation to them I know they know they are connectd to Thomas. While I have distanced myself as his ‘mother’ (in letters and cards I simply refer to myself by my name) I feel the three of them are brothers and sisters and should be addressed as such when the time is right for Thomas. While I am in close contact with Thomas’ parents it gave me a little peace of mind hearing from another adoptive mother that siblings weather blood, adopted or otherwise are still siblings.
My daughter has a half brother through his biological mother. If your son’s siblings are half siblings, then you could use that term. We just call my daughter’s brother “your brother, Dylan.” She knows it’s not her other brother, who is my biological son. And doesn’t seem to be confused. (She is 2 1/2.) And everyone in my daughter’s mother’s family refer to him as her brother. On the other hand, we refer to her mother as her mother as well. Not bio mother or first mom. Since I don’t refer to myself as adoptive mother or third mother (Maya had a foster mother before I became the foster mother), I don’t refer to her other mother as her bio or first mother. In our eyes, she remains Maya’s mother. Just in a different way. Maya doesn’t seem too confused by this. Much the same way I was never confused to call people from our same village in Italy “Uncle” and “Aunt” even though we were not related by blood. Some people just get titles because of who they are. I think brothers by our children’s biological mothers are brothers that don’t live with them. My two biological children understand when I talk about Maya’s brother or Maya’s grandmother or Maya’s mother. They understand that she has family that they do not. (Even though they are family to my children, but in a different way.)
I think whatever you are comfortable with, and your child’s first mother is comfortable with, your child will understand and be comfortable with. Why don’t you ask his first mother?
Michelle
We use the brother/sister terminology. The daughter I’m parenting (D) is seven and the oldest child I placed (R) is almost 6. R has a younger sister who is the bio-child of their parents (L). There doesn’t seem to be confusion. Like an above poster, we use – “R & L are sisters because they have the same parents and live together as a family.” “D and R are sisters because they share bio-parents.” And now that D is a little older, her and I go on sometimes to talk about how the relationships are the same and how they’re different. And I use that to measure how much she understands right then and try to figure out how to expand what she knows.
I think this understanding is actually pretty simple. When D tells people that she has a sister who doesn’t live with her (which she’s been doing since she was old enough to talk)…well, that actually happens a lot with half-siblings living with different parents, odd custody arrangements, foster care.
I wasn’t adopted but using myself as an example of siblings living apart: I have a full-bio-brother and a half-bio-sister that lived with me growing up, a half-bio-brother that lived with my father, and two step-siblings (not bio-related)that lived with my mother and step-father but didn’t move in until the year after I moved out. That sounds like a lot and it’s confusing to read but to me, it’s just the way my family is. I think when it comes to family relationships that seem complicated to outsiders, they’re not really so confusing to be in.
Kids will understand the roles everyone plays and not be confused by the terminology. They don’t make things as complicated as adults do.
I wrote a blog post about this:
http://domestic-infant.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/they-re-not-technically-siblings
Jack isn’t confused that he has a brother and sister who live with his birthmother. We’ve always used “brother” and “sister” because that’s what/who they are.
Good luck!
Thank you all so very much!
When the opportunity presented itself today, I talked with my son about his birthfamily and I took your advice. As I explained before, he already knew that he came from his birthmother’s tummy/uterus and that “FM’s kids” (we call them by their names) did, too. Today, I went ahead and explained, as you all suggested, that his adoptive sister is his sister because they live together and share a mom and dad, but that “FM’s kids” are also his siblings because they all grew in FM’s tummy. I clarified again that we are his family through adoption and that his birth family is his family by birth. I did use the term “birth sister” and “birth brother.” I hope that doesn’t offend anyone, but it seemed to help him understand the connection immediately as he refers to his FM as “Her Name”, my birthmom and that is how his FM refers to herself.
My son seemed totally at ease and not the least bit confused. Honestly, I may be reading into it, but he seemed happy to know that he could call them brother and sister. He already knew his birth siblings were important, but it seemed to make more sense to him as the connection was clarified. Like Heather said, using the brother/sister language doesn’t confuse him because it “describes what he already knows is true.”
Thanks, again, everyone for your insights and especially for your support and encouragement!
We call my son’s birth siblings his Guatemalan brothers.
I don’t mean to be too blunt, but the only answer that makes sense to me is ”brother.” I mean that’s the truth isn’t it? If you are in an open adoption and plan to continue those relationships over the course of your son’s life — then that is what they are and will continue to be. I think that those of us in open adoptions can’t be afraid to re-appropriate the language of family and force it to be more inclusive. We are part of the cutting edge of redefining for our world what it means to be family. As an adoptive mom in open adoptions for almost 6 years, i have found that all my children – foster, bio and adopted – have been able to matter-of-factly accept the relationships as we have laid them out for them — despite the fact that these relationships may not be typical. As long as my husband and I have been open and matter-of-fact about it, the children have been too. I think the sooner, your son learns to think of these other siblings as brothers and sisters that are being parented in the different homes by the different people — the better your chances of him just accepting it as normal for your family.
my son doesnt have any biosibs yet but im sure in the future he will. What we refer to them by will prob depend on the relationship we have with fm at that time. Right now it seems she may be pulling away a little which i figured may happen. If she continues to be a constant in his life we will prob associate his biosibs as that. But again,if it turns into a once a year flyby night relationship we may refer to them as friends. not sure.