Comments on: What do I call my child’s older birth siblings?

By: Gretchen

Gretchen — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:16:30 +0000

We call our adopted children’s older siblings “Florida Brother & Sister” and we have exchanged pictures and letters. They haven’t meet yet, but will when it cam be arranged. The older siblings are 6 & 5 years. Our children are 18 months and 4 months.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 21:07:16 +0000

Hi, I am new to blogging as a whole, but being raised as only child in a single parent home, I was overly happy with the news of finding out that I had 5 brothers and sister. One of which is older than me and the rest younger than me. It never seemed to be option of what to call them other than my brothers and sisters. If the question came up about me being an only child, I would just say I am, but on my bmom’s sides I have siblings. My Amom never discussed what to call them it just seemed to be the natural thing to do was to call them what they were…They have always introduced me as their sister when I visit them with a brief explanation to those who question where was I at when they were growing up.

By: Miranda

Miranda — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:13:17 +0000

@Heather, I would just like to say thank you for your response to what an adpoted child is to call thier biological siblings. My fiance and I had our third child (our ther children are 5 and 2) this past June in which we made the painful decision to have him adopted. I chose open adoption as my only request is give all three children the opportunity to get to know and develop a relationship with each other and, with help from some people close to me we found an AMAZING couple four months before my due date. Our other two children have not yet been told that i was pregnant and that they have a little brother (which our son has been begging us for) we did explain adoption to our five year old and they both got to know Thomas' parents and grew to love his mother melissa. My children did come to see Thomas at the hospital but were told that Michael and Melissa were getting a new baby from another mommy's belly, they have pictures and while right now we do not feel it is the appropriate time to explain the whole situation to them I know they know they are connectd to Thomas. While I have distanced myself as his 'mother' (in letters and cards I simply refer to myself by my name) I feel the three of them are brothers and sisters and should be addressed as such when the time is right for Thomas. While I am in close contact with Thomas' parents it gave me a little peace of mind hearing from another adoptive mother that siblings weather blood, adopted or otherwise are still siblings.

By: momx6

momx6 — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:24:17 +0000

my son doesnt have any biosibs yet but im sure in the future he will. What we refer to them by will prob depend on the relationship we have with fm at that time. Right now it seems she may be pulling away a little which i figured may happen. If she continues to be a constant in his life we will prob associate his biosibs as that. But again,if it turns into a once a year flyby night relationship we may refer to them as friends. not sure.

By: Ayala

Ayala — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 17:41:22 +0000

I don’t mean to be too blunt, but the only answer that makes sense to me is ”brother.” I mean that’s the truth isn’t it? If you are in an open adoption and plan to continue those relationships over the course of your son’s life — then that is what they are and will continue to be. I think that those of us in open adoptions can’t be afraid to re-appropriate the language of family and force it to be more inclusive. We are part of the cutting edge of redefining for our world what it means to be family. As an adoptive mom in open adoptions for almost 6 years, i have found that all my children – foster, bio and adopted – have been able to matter-of-factly accept the relationships as we have laid them out for them — despite the fact that these relationships may not be typical. As long as my husband and I have been open and matter-of-fact about it, the children have been too. I think the sooner, your son learns to think of these other siblings as brothers and sisters that are being parented in the different homes by the different people — the better your chances of him just accepting it as normal for your family.

By: Kim

Kim — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:42:21 +0000

We call my son’s birth siblings his Guatemalan brothers.

By: mommylynn

mommylynn — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 04:41:09 +0000

Thank you all so very much!

When the opportunity presented itself today, I talked with my son about his birthfamily and I took your advice. As I explained before, he already knew that he came from his birthmother’s tummy/uterus and that “FM’s kids” (we call them by their names) did, too. Today, I went ahead and explained, as you all suggested, that his adoptive sister is his sister because they live together and share a mom and dad, but that “FM’s kids” are also his siblings because they all grew in FM’s tummy. I clarified again that we are his family through adoption and that his birth family is his family by birth. I did use the term “birth sister” and “birth brother.” I hope that doesn’t offend anyone, but it seemed to help him understand the connection immediately as he refers to his FM as “Her Name”, my birthmom and that is how his FM refers to herself.

My son seemed totally at ease and not the least bit confused. Honestly, I may be reading into it, but he seemed happy to know that he could call them brother and sister. He already knew his birth siblings were important, but it seemed to make more sense to him as the connection was clarified. Like Heather said, using the brother/sister language doesn’t confuse him because it “describes what he already knows is true.”

Thanks, again, everyone for your insights and especially for your support and encouragement!

By: Robyn

Robyn — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 21:27:36 +0000

I wrote a blog post about this:
http://domestic-infant.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/they-re-not-technically-siblings

Jack isn’t confused that he has a brother and sister who live with his birthmother. We’ve always used “brother” and “sister” because that’s what/who they are.

Good luck!

By: Ginger

Ginger — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:44:22 +0000

We use the brother/sister terminology. The daughter I’m parenting (D) is seven and the oldest child I placed (R) is almost 6. R has a younger sister who is the bio-child of their parents (L). There doesn’t seem to be confusion. Like an above poster, we use – “R & L are sisters because they have the same parents and live together as a family.” “D and R are sisters because they share bio-parents.” And now that D is a little older, her and I go on sometimes to talk about how the relationships are the same and how they’re different. And I use that to measure how much she understands right then and try to figure out how to expand what she knows.

I think this understanding is actually pretty simple. When D tells people that she has a sister who doesn’t live with her (which she’s been doing since she was old enough to talk)…well, that actually happens a lot with half-siblings living with different parents, odd custody arrangements, foster care.

I wasn’t adopted but using myself as an example of siblings living apart: I have a full-bio-brother and a half-bio-sister that lived with me growing up, a half-bio-brother that lived with my father, and two step-siblings (not bio-related)that lived with my mother and step-father but didn’t move in until the year after I moved out. That sounds like a lot and it’s confusing to read but to me, it’s just the way my family is. I think when it comes to family relationships that seem complicated to outsiders, they’re not really so confusing to be in.

Kids will understand the roles everyone plays and not be confused by the terminology. They don’t make things as complicated as adults do.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:47:35 +0000

My daughter has a half brother through his biological mother. If your son’s siblings are half siblings, then you could use that term. We just call my daughter’s brother “your brother, Dylan.” She knows it’s not her other brother, who is my biological son. And doesn’t seem to be confused. (She is 2 1/2.) And everyone in my daughter’s mother’s family refer to him as her brother. On the other hand, we refer to her mother as her mother as well. Not bio mother or first mom. Since I don’t refer to myself as adoptive mother or third mother (Maya had a foster mother before I became the foster mother), I don’t refer to her other mother as her bio or first mother. In our eyes, she remains Maya’s mother. Just in a different way. Maya doesn’t seem too confused by this. Much the same way I was never confused to call people from our same village in Italy “Uncle” and “Aunt” even though we were not related by blood. Some people just get titles because of who they are. I think brothers by our children’s biological mothers are brothers that don’t live with them. My two biological children understand when I talk about Maya’s brother or Maya’s grandmother or Maya’s mother. They understand that she has family that they do not. (Even though they are family to my children, but in a different way.)

I think whatever you are comfortable with, and your child’s first mother is comfortable with, your child will understand and be comfortable with. Why don’t you ask his first mother?

Michelle