My daughter’s first mom just doesn’t respond to questions especially regarding visits. We don’t talk on the phone often, never have. I wish we did but we’re all not very big phone people so we have done lots of emailing. I’m trying to set up a visit which requires booking flights and arrange for the visit and she just will not respond with dates. I’m a planner so it does frustrate me but also the prices of everything go up the closer you get to travel. She has said that she wants us to visit. I just don’t know how hard I should press. Any advice/opinion?
We have had 2 visits this year so far. Last year was more, I’m wondering if maybe she’s just wanting some time apart for awhile but don’t know how to go about asking her since she always seems excited to get together.
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I would suggest that you keep track of when you ask about things.Even though it may seem now shes backing away, you want your child to know YOU were willing and trying to keep the lines of communication open. Id continue trying and stop only if she actually says to stop contact.
So you are trying to arrange for you all to fly to wherever she is for the visit? Yes that would be difficult with no input.
We have a similar problem with fdad…he simply won’t plan, and just says “whatever”. It’s frustrating.
You can go one of several ways. Tell her some dates you can visit (that meet your budget and schedule) and let her accept or veto such as “We can visit A through B, or X through Y. Which is best for you” or “since your schedule seems kind of busy right now for visitors, when can you come visit us?” or our new favorite “We are taking a family vacation and will be in Anytown on such and such dates, would you like to meet us?”
I actually mentioned your last one to my husband MamaB2C. He said I couldn’t do that but I really want to.
I have given her some dates so I’m hoping to hear back soon. Lack of communication just makes me want to stop trying and I know that for our daughter I can’t do that.
this is funnny.. i responded but now im in the same boat. my sons fm is home from jobcorps.. shes been home since june 25. she has YET to call me to see him. im very upset. ive given her every opportunity to see him. we only agreed to 3 times a year and ive gone over and above that. but now shes home, on myspace constantly saying things like… out with the girls,, paryting having fun etc. Im not sure what to do. do i message her and say ;…. hello.. do you want to see him, or do i let her contact me?
I think the thing we (adoptive parents) have to remember is that visits can be really really really REALLY hard on first parents and there’s a lot of emotional fall-out to them. As much as our kids’ parents love them, sometimes that fall-out is so painful that I imagine avoidance can start looking pretty good. Especially if they don’t know how much they really do matter to their kids. I’m sure it’s pretty easy to say to yourself, “My kid is doing great without me. I just fail him over and over and it’s so hard to visit and not BE his mother and then I’m crying for days and really what good does it do him?” And so talk yourself out of visiting.
This is why I don’t think we should go, “Oh so she has time to do XYZ but can’t see her son?” Because I’m pretty sure that hanging out with the girls and having fun is a lot less painful than being reminded of such a profound loss and have to listen to your child call someone else mommy.
So I think we adoptive parents have to be patient and realistic that sometimes our children’s first parents just won’t be in a great place to have visits but that it’s also on us to be pushy in some ways (but not obnoxiously pushy) and also to say, “You matter! He DOES need you!”
I know it’s frustrating but if you keep showing up and keep pushing open that door, at least you will know that you always tried your best. And maybe one day she’ll be in a place where she can be there more than she is now.
I have the opposite problem, the adoptive parents of my son won’t let me know when I can visit.
Dawn is right, many first moms experience a great deal of heartache when they see all that they could have, but don’t.
Personally I am not that way, when I hear my son call the adoptive mom ‘mommy’ it makes me glad that he loves her, because I want him too.
If I could visit anytime I wanted, I would visit at least once a month.
that isn’t possible for me unfortunatly.
Visits ARE hard, and visits are not a vacation from anything in any way….for me, the visits are wonderful, but the emotional toll that I take leading up to the visit and coming down from the visit? It’s exhausting.
Momx6 – I know that if Dee were going above and beyond our “agreed upon” number of visits already, I wouldn’t feel it was my place to request another one at this time – EVEN if she said, “Anytime you’re around, feel free to let me know and we can get together” – I’d be worried about overstepping that boundary, taking advantage of her generousity, etc. It might not be rational, but I know that’s what would go through my head.
And Dawn, you’re so right – going out with the girls is EASY. Visits are not. Denial sometimes feels like more than a coping mechanism, perhaps going so far as to be a necessity once in a while.
I would give anything to hear the push of, “WE WANT TO SEE YOU! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!”
Anything.
Visits are hard emtionally. Often these woman place the child because they can’t care for them and that means emotionally as well. Send the birth mom notes and letters- make copies for the baby book and let whatever happens happen. I’m sorry this is painful for you.