I have been working with my parents this week about their wills and I started thinking about what would happen if (God forbid) something happened to both of my daughter’s parents. I am just curious, do you guys have “god parents” to take guardianship or would you leave them to a family member or to the birth mom? What are your reasons for the decision you have made? I would like to think that if something happened to both of them they would leave my daughter to me but I really don’t think that would be the case no matter how close we are.
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It’s an individual decision for everyone.
We had two main areas that we considered when choosing.
One is that whomever we entrust our daughter to have similar parenting styles. That’s not to say that this person is currently a parent just has similar beliefs.
Also with an open adoption we needed to consider who would be willing to continue the relationship.
Luckily we have a family member that fits both those categories for us. But they are only our second choice for who would become her guardian. We did ask our daughter’s first mom to be her guardian if she is in a position to do so if something were to happen.
Of course that might change when/if we adopt a second child.
We chose family members who are local (so the kids wouldn’t have to move away on top of everything else), have similar parenting values, and who we knew would be committed to keeping up the kids’ connections with friends and birth family. We included language that the guardians needed to honor the terms of our open adoption agreements.
The kids’ first families weren’t really options for us, due to their specific circumstances. And with two children, it would have split them up between two different homes.
It really is a “best interests of the child” decision. If the first mother or parents are the best choice as far as responsibility, resources, etc. then certainly they can and should be considered.
Our son’s first mom is listed as first choice in our will, but we didn’t include first dad as he has not shown any stability or responsibility in his own life. If first mom is unwilling or unable to be full guardian, then a family member is listed, and a third family member if the first two are unwilling or unable.
Our will instructs the guardian, whomever it is, to maintain communications between the various families.
I actually wrote a blog post about this at:
http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/guardians
My son’s birthmom isn’t in a stable situation, so it’s not possible for her to be his guardian. One has to do what fits one’s family.
We chose the most stable of our siblings, who is married and has values that most closely mirror ours. I know that he and his wife will bend over backwards to honor the open adoption we are creating, and I am comfortable that they would be the best people to raise our daughters. (Not-bio siblings, one is adopted internationally and the other is an open domestic adoption). When we told the birth parents about this decision during our last visit, I could tell that they were surprised and a bit upset that we wouldn’t “give back” the child we share. My husband and I thought long and hard about what was in the best interest of BOTH our children, and I hope eventually the birth family comes to understand.
Currently, we chose our son’s grandparents as guardians, knowing we will have to revise that in a few years time as they age. Our hope is that his birthparents will be in a situation that they could be guardians at that point. We certainly always keep them in mind when we have these conversations.