My daughter is 3 months old. I have an open adoption with weekly emails and pictures whenever the adoptive mom feels like uploading (which she has admitted she’s kinda lazy about, she only likes to do it every couple months or so). I asked about a month ago if I could post a couple of the pictures of our daughter on my facebook page (which is private). I asked because I kinda felt like those pictures were their property and didn’t want to use them without permission. They told me no they were not comfortable with that. It hurt like hell, not gonna lie, but I understand their point of view and will respect their wishes. That said, they took my daughter to get professional pictures (from a place that gives the cd of the session and pictures the same day) done over 3 weeks ago. They emailed me right afterwards and told me how well it went and how cute she was and how they got copies for all their family and friends and promised to send me an email of them soon. Still haven’t gotten them. I am not sure if it’s because they are busy or because of the facebook incident. I still get emails in the same amount as before. My adoption agent has asked if I want her to step in and ask about it, but I don’t want to go there yet. I think that might be unnecessarily uncomfortable since we communicate on our own normally. I feel left out knowing that everyone else has gotten copies of the pictures except for me. So do you guys think I should wait a little longer or ask about them and what should I say? Should I ask or have the agency ask for me?
Possibly Related posts:
Secured by
I think if you could casually ask about it that would work best at this point. It might be that they just forgot. If they don’t respond with the pictures or why within a week or two then I would get your adoption agent to help out.
That’s just awful that they didn’t send you copies but they sent family and friends copies. I’m so sorry. I imagine that hurt as well. Hope it all works out.
I don’t think they’re withholding pictures on purpose. You wrote that they “got copies” for others. Does that mean that they have the copies in their hands, or that they ordered copies? I know our professional photos take 2 – 4 weeks to get physical prints of. It might be longer now that there are school photos in the mix for processing centers.
It takes me forever to upload photos. First, there’s the whole “gotta find the USB cord” thing (which I’ve mostly solved by actually putting it away when I’m done with it). Then, you have to go through and figure out which ones are good. Crop them, rotate them, etc. Then you have to upload them, and depending on your connection and the photo site you use that can be easier said than done. Is it a big deal? No. But it is a multi-step process, and one that you have to pay attention to at that. It’s probably not on the top of her priority list. They’re new parents, and there’s a lot going on with that.
My son’s birthmom is way understanding of my procrastination when it comes to sending her photos. I feel guilty about it. (She doesn’t have Internet access so I can’t just email them to her.) I know I should be better about getting photos to her, because I know it’s important to her. In a non-judgmental way, could you say to your child’s parents, “Look, I don’t want to be pushy, but I really cherish these photos. Is there a way that you could get them to me maybe once a month?”
I think it’s way too early to get the agency involved. Three months is very little time. I know when Jack was 3 months old, we were still in the sleep-deprived stages of our relationship.
I think you need to try and be patient with them. Just my two cents.
I don’t think “sleep deprived” or “busy” is a good reason.
Yes, I get that the adoptive parents are busy. I had been there with a new baby before I placed. My boyfriend and I juggling schedules to watch the baby and neither of us having FMLA so working as well as the sleepless nights…and I still managed to make sure the grandparents who were out of state had pictures…and I didn’t have a digital camera in 2001 when she was born; I had one with film that needed developed.
But to cut them some slack, we all procrastinate about things we don’t consider a priority. And sometimes in the fog of sleep deprivation, you might be certain you’ve already done something that you didn’t.
For the professional pics, I’d add a note to the next email you send with something along the lines of, “You said you’d email me the professional pics on xx/xx/xxxx but I can’t seem to find them. I’m not sure if they landed in spam or what but could you resend them?”
For the normal pics that she can only find the time to upload every 3 months, you might need to accept that for her, sending you pictures might not be a priority in her life right now. That realization hurt, but I think it hurts less than expecting pictures monthly when you know she only uploads them every few months. If it was a priority, she’d do it more often. If you can’t stand not having them (which I understand), I think it’s time to a)ask her if it would be possible to have them more frequently because they mean a lot to you or b)have the adoption agent give her a gentle nudge.
If you don’t tell her that you’re upset by the infrequent pictures, how can she know? Maybe she thinks what she’s already doing it enough? You can’t expect her to be a mind reader and change if she doesn’t know that you would like her to change. But you can’t control what she does, only how you handle the situation.
when my birthson was that little is when his adoptive parents sent me the most amount of pictures.
It’s nowadays that pictures don’t come as often.
One thing that your story helped me remember was that they sent me a ‘picture postcard’
thing for christmas with them all together as a family. I thought this was because the couldn’t do the professional pictures they did the previous year.
Then..when I visiting last Feburary,I noticed they had framed and displayed these really great professional pictures everywhere in their home.
I asked if I could have a copy of one or two of them and the adoptive mom said ‘they didn’t have any left’ so really she *did* purposly give me a snapshot picture while everyone else they know were given the professional pictures.
It bothers me to this day, but still I try to believe that somehow I was not sent a professional picture by mistake. At least I have pictures, even ‘snapshot’ ones.
Anyways, I really hope that you get to see some pictures soon.
Asking for them again and again might help and it might not…I really don’t know…
I am and was the first to admit I am terrible about getting things in the mail. I rarely get birthday cards or packages out on time, if I get them out at all.
We decided to use a website instead, and post all pictures to it. That way, anyone we give the address and passcode to can view, print, download or whatever.
Perhaps you can ask the parents to do something along those lines?
We also do an online photo sharing website. His first year we posted TONS of photos, but over the last few months, I admit, we haven’t been as consistent.
It sounds as though you’ve had good communication so far so trust that. I doubt that she is withholding pictures because of the facebook thing – you checked with her before you did it and then respected her wishes.
I would also let her know how much you treasure the pictures. If my son’s birthmom indicated to me that she wanted more pictures and wanted them more frequently I would totally take that to heart and rearrange my priorities. As it is now I never hear anything from her so it becomes something that’s easy to put off until later (which is why we haven’t been as consistent lately).
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like a tough situation!
I agree with all of Amy’s points. In situations like this, I’ve often found that “positive reinforcement” can be the best path. I’d tell the a-parents how much you love and appreciate seeing photos and gush a bit about seeing x from x photo that meant so much to you. This will really emphasize how important the images are to you, and probably prompt them to make the extra effort to set up a site and/or send you more.
Best wishes!
That’s why I have flickr. We load stuff into there and my daughter’s birth family can see and print whatever they want whenever they want. They don’t have to feel uncomfortable asking for things or if they can have more stuff, I don’t have to deal with prints, mailing, etc.
It took awhile for people to get used to and they were irked at first but now they love it!
How about sending them a memory card that they can mail back to you in a prepaid paid envelope? Or a disposable camera?