The original agreement (6 years ago when R was born) was twice a year pictures and once a year visits. I was fine with that. Then as R got to be toddler age, we did visits on some sort of erratic schedule decided by R’s mother, sometimes monthly, sometimes every 3 months, but fairly frequently and we had monthly email contact, sometimes with pictures.
R’s mom had not contacted me and had ignored my emails for 10 months. This is a first for us. She’s always been erratic but she’s never gone that long without contact. The daughter I’m parenting (D, age 8 ) was disappointed by the stop of contact, and then upset, and finally accepting of the fact that there might not be any more contact. I had accepted that there might not be more contact.
Now she’s contacted me again, after 10 months of silence. I don’t know what to do. And I’m angry. I wouldn’t refuse to see R if that’s what she wants but I’m not sure that it’s good for D to have such erratic contacts. If there was a set schedule that was followed, she would know what to expect and she does want to see her sister.
I just don’t like seeing her emotions on a roller coaster ride because R’s mom isn’t consistant. The emotional roller coaster hurts me too but I’m an adult. I need R’s parents to set a schedule they can live with and stick to it. But I don’t know how to insist on it.
I don’t want to think that I want more than they’re willing to give. I don’t care what schedule they set. I want them to pick something and then follow it. The erratic contact is no longer acceptable because it’s hurting D.
Any suggestions? What would you do if you were me?
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I’m an adoptive mom. I totally respect your concerns and think you are right to voice them. But just as it is your job to look out for D’s emotional wellbeing and make decisions based on what is best for her, it’s R’s mom’s responsibility to look out for R’s emotional wellbeing and make the decisions she thinks are best for her daughter. Maybe R expressed some feelings to her that you are not privy to–feelings that gave R’s mom reason to think it was best to cool off contact for a while. Some adoptees might feel confusion over relationships and boundaries. R’s mom might have felt it was necessary to take a break to reestablish those boundaries. That doesn’t mean she was right not to contact you, if that was the case. Maybe it was something else you are unaware of. Maybe someone in her family died, or maybe she got sick, or went through a loss of some kind that caused her to withdraw.
But I do think you are well within reason to set boundaries of your own, with regards to D’s feelings in particular. While it would be inappropriate to tell R’s mother what you think is in R’s best interest, and might even offend R’s mother to the point where she cuts off contact, if you talk to R’s mom in terms of D’s feelings, and your need to protect D’s feelings, she will likely be MUCH more receptive. I would recommend either saying or emailing her something like “Hey, I would appreciate it if we could go back to having a more regular schedule for visits, for D’s sake. She just loves R so much, and does much better when she has a set schedule. It is fine with me that you set the pace for as often as you’d like the visits to be, but we’d love to have a regular schedule in place so that D has more consistency. She is just really having a hard time with not knowing if and when she’ll see R next.”
Good luck. Try to empathize. It’s really hard to be an adoptive mom in an open relationship. She wouldn’t have chosen open adoption if she didn’t care about you and your feelings. Maybe she’s just having a hard time in her life right now.
AS AN ADOPTIVE MOM AND BIO MOM,,,MAYBE LIFE HAS GOTTON IN THE THE WAY..NO EXCUSE BECAUSE THE CHILD SHOULD BE THE PRIORITY!!!!!!!!! YOUR RIGHT IT ISNT ACCEPTABLE. SHE AS THAT CHILDS MOM SHOULD KNOW THAT. MAKE SURE YOU KEEP RECORDS OF WHEN YOU ASK FOR VISITS. YOUR EXACTLY RIGHT PICK SOMETHING AND STIK WITH IT! I KNOW THINGS ALWAYS CAN COME UP BUT IN THIS DAY AND AGE CELLPHONES CAN KEEP US ALL IN TOUCH AND A QUICK CALL… WOULD BE GOOD. MAYBE NOT SAY ANYTHING TO THE CHILD YOUR PARENTING UNLESS AND UNTILL A DATE IS SET IN STONE. BOTH CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW CONSISTANCY. GOOD LUCK!
Wow, I submitted this question last month and it’s just now being posted?
An update on the situation: I decided that I would be willing to have any amount of contact (from 0 to anything) that R’s mom felt was in R’s best interest. But I felt as D’s parent that inconsistent contact was harming her. My decision was that D would no longer be involved in contact unless or until R’s mom was willing to set a firm schedule (of entirely her choosing) and commit to either keeping it or contacting me and explaining why a change was necessary.
When R’s mom asked about a visit, I expressed my decision to her. We had a very stressful and somewhat heated phone conversation. She doesn’t feel that a set schedule is in R’s best interest. R’s mom asks for visits only when R asks abotu them. I don’t feel that the lack of a schedule is in D’s best interest; D needs to know what’s going on and it hurt’s her when contact stops abruptly with no warning at all. R’s mom says that R really wants to see D. In the end, I agreed to take a couple of days to think and discuss things with first father and re-evaluate based on Raven’s current desire to see D. I promised that I’d call or email her no matter what my decision by Friday. But I wouldn’t promise that my viewpoint will change or that I’d allow the contact.
I am seriously stressed out by this. It all seemed so clear but after the phone call my feelings were muddy again. What am I supposed to do? How can I choose the welfare of one child over the welfare of the other? Why is it that I have to weigh and consider both Raven’s feelings (as conveyed by her mother) and Dawn’s feelings but Raven’s mom refuses to consider how Dawn might feel or just plain doesn’t care?
Any thoughts or insight?
@Ginger,
You have valid points. Unsure why the A mom isnt seeing it. But just protect your heart and your daughters. And when she turns 18 it will be just between you and her.
Wow, where to begin. This one’s a toughy, and is why I know I am not yet ready to have (and parent) a second child.
Ginger,
I think the decision you made on your own was appropriate, and was what I felt intuitively when reading your initial post. The a-parent (both Raven’s a-mom and Kate, above) has no idea why this is a tough decision for you b/c she’s never had to confront it. Your rhetorical question, “How can I choose the welfare of one child over the welfare of the other?” was profound, as was your point that Raven’s feelings are being conveyed THROUGH her mother, and things get lost in translation. I do think there should be a possibility that you don’t have to choose one of your child’s emotional well-being over the other, and I think Melissa (above) touched on that. Encourage Raven’s a-mom to consider annual visits (like, a week before or after Raven’s birthday) then, any other visits will be a “surprise” for Dawn, and to not discuss it with her unless it is for certain, and convey it to Dawn that it is just that: a surprise, a treat, and not have expectation. ["Expectation leads to disappointment."] These awkward years of their childhood will probably be hard. Soon enough, they’ll be old enough to contact each other on their own and R’s feelings won’t be misinterpreted by the a-mom on the way to you or Dawn.
Also, many a-parents, like R’s a-mom, don’t like to be bothered by the inconvenience of visits (and the aftermath, like discussing it with the child) so they don’t bring it up; they wait for the child to bring it up and then agree to it just because they don’t want to seem mean to their child. Many adoptees feel guilty (possibly only subconsciously) when they request to see the “other” family, so many don’t bring it up as often as they’d like–ESPECIALLY if the a-parents are at all hesitant to agree to meeting. I’ve spoken with many adult adoptees who wanted to search for their parents for YEARS, but didn’t because they felt it would be turning their back on their a-parents, and didn’t want to appear ungrateful to the people who raised them. One friend in particular wanted to search for his natural parents for DECADES, and waited until both his a-parents died to search for them, only to find out he waited too long, and his natural parents were deceased also. All because he was afraid he would be seen as a bad, ungrateful son. So it’s a tricky situation. Personally, I’ll do anything not to step on the a-family’s toes: but then I get taken advantage of, and I don’t have the interest of another child to look out for.
Good luck today when talking to the a-mom.
Oh, and it may help to get the visit off D’s mind by doing something ELSE that’s really fun about a week or so later. That way the freshest EXCITING thing in her mind is not the visit with her sibling. Or similarly, if a meeting ever gets cancelled (God forbid) do something else fun instead, but not on the same day (she may just end up moping around all day any way, there’s not much you can do.) On the day that you were supposed to meet, draw and write something together FOR Raven, saying you were thinking of her today, and send it to her.
In the end, your children will remember the truth, especially if you journal it all. That’s what I do when I get upset at the a-parents. I write a loving letter to my son (and keep it until he’s much older) telling him how hard it is to not be able to see him, and how I dream of what he’s doing.
And honestly I think what Kate said was hogwash. “TRY to EMPATHIZE”??? “It’s really HARD to be an adoptive mother in an open relationship”??? ha. ha. ha. I don’t think so. The only thing HARD about having another woman love your child is that you wish you didn’t need her to have a baby. First mothers have NO legal right and are constantly scrounging for any inkling of contact to their lost child. I HIGHLY recommend ALL parties in any Open Adoption read “The Wall” by Terri Enbourge. You can check it out at http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html … it’s not just emotionally profound, but it discusses the legal imbalance, as well. Ginger, your current situation seems close to what she writes in the section “The Forgotten Children of Open Adoption: In The Wall’s Shadow” (scroll down about one-third of the way). Perhaps you could suggest the A-mom read it, so she “can better understand Dawn’s concerns.”
Anyway, like I said, I wish you the best of luck today, or whenever you get to talk to the a-parent. I’ll be thinking of you.
I’m interested if you have any update to this situation?
I spent a lot of time worrying about my son’s biological mother’s other children, then ultimately, after a lot of anguish, realized that my job was just to be the best parent I could be for my son. I was not responsible for the other children’s well being. That doesn’t mean you would openly seek to hurt the other child–it just means your first responsibility is to your daughter.
It also sounds like a lame excuse to me that the biomother likely just wants visits when they are most convenient for her, and a schedule like you request may be more inconvenient. Consistency is important for all children. Doesn’t sound like she has any of their best interest at heart.
@Kate,
Sorry, to clarify, I meant the adoptive mom, not the bio mom…
Also in reference to tr33hugg3r’s comment that open adoptions aren’t difficult for adoptive parents, I want to point out that many of us adopt children out of love, not because we can’t have biological children (I have two)–but it is still difficult to let another adult have input into your child’s life, no matter how you slice it. I think open adoption is difficult for all the adults involved. I think we do it for the love of the children.