Wishing you all of the best.

Nina (Adopted at age 5 days).

If they kept up contact with you initially and then it cut off, there may be something going on in their lives that you aren’t aware of. Her adoptive parents may have been deceived just as you feel you were. I know when we adopted our son we were not given all the information about the biological family before we agreed to an open adoption. We have maintained contact with the biological family, but it has been extremely emotionally difficult for us. Perhaps they were having trouble maintaining contact on an emotional level. It can be hard to fully bond with your child if someone else thinks of herself as your child’s mother. I’m not saying you don’t have a right to feel the way you do–I’m just saying you should consider all the reasons why the relationship may have been way too hard for them.

They may have realized that keeping up contact with you was not working for them as they thought it would. Open adoption can be extremely difficult for parents who have adopted their children. Even hearing a biological mother call their child “my daughter” can be very difficult to hear. In their view–and in the view of the law–they are her parents and they have to determine what is in her best interest.

It’s hard to believe a loving birth parent would not be in a child’s best interest–I’m only trying to help you see it from their perspective.

Did you speak to them prior to them cutting off contact? It may be possible you said something that made them feel threatened in some way. I don’t mean physically threatened, but emotionally threatened. It’s very difficult to hear a biological mother refer to your child as hers. Legally (at least in my state of Ohio–I assume this is true elsewhere), they are not obligated to keep up contact with a biological parent. Any contact is done out of the goodness of their hearts. If you extend some kindness toward them and tell them you understand their desire for privacy but would really appreciate ocassional update letters, they may warm up. If you threaten them or act pushy or defensive in any way, they will pull further away. (I’m not saying you have threatened them–I’m just giving you my thoughts.)

Most of all I’d like to encourage you to remember that the adoptive parents in this situation are innocent of any wrongdoing. If the hospital staff or adoption agency acted inappropriately with you, they likely acted inappropriately with those people as well. Adoption agencies can in some cases make a lot of money by placing babies with families. Some unscrupulous people could have made misrepresentations on both sides. I don’t know their situation, but it is certainly possible.

I don’t think this friend of theirs sounds very reliable. I think you are better off being patient and friendly, perhaps sending an update and photo of yourself to them so they can share it with their daughter. I know that, as an adoptive mother, I would love to receive a letter and photo from my son’s biological mother that I could share with him. It seems unlikely to me that people who were warm to open adoption for three years would not tell their child she was adopted. I agree with the person who posted that this lawyer friend of theirs probably thinks by telling you that, you’ll leave him/them alone. Just remember, unless you hear it from them, I wouldn’t believe it.

I would suggest that you lay low for a while, and send a card and photo to them, letting them know that you are still interested in some contact with their daughter. If you refer to her as their daughter, I think they may likely respond much more favorably. Good luck! I know you mean well, and hopefully they will see that as well.

If I’m right, I suspect your daughter will also be fed a line about you, if indeed she knows she’s adopted. People like this, with no scruples, have to lie more than once to accomplish their seedy deeds.