Is giving gifts to just my son, who was adopted by parents who also have a natural born child, enough?
Or should I give gifts to that child as well, even though they say I don’t have too. Technically they say I don’t have to give gifts to my son too, but do they really mean that?
I mean, I WANT to give gifts to my son, and open adoption allows me to do so.
Where do you stop though, would they like me more if I gave gifts not only to my son, but to their natural born child too?
I’m asking because the first father DOES give gifts to the natural born child as well as our son whom we decided mutally to place in open adoption. The first father is much more wealthy than I am, and he gives gifts that are usually about twice or three times the value that I am able to give.
I DO but alot of thought into what to give my son, but I am quite limited with resources to actually get the really nice things. I assume he has more than he could ever want anyways and get him what I think are simply fun toys.
Do adoptive parents in open adoption judge first parents on the gifts that they get from their adopted childrens first parents?
I am not sure if I am phrasing these questions right, or if anyone will see them here…
Possibly Related posts:
- What gifts can a birth/first mom give her birthchilds adoptive parents?
- How to handle too many gifts from first family?
- Openness when adopting older kids from foster care?
- What can I do to keep my relationship close with my son even though I live so far from him?
- Any adoption related kids books written from the natural mothers perspective?
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I think that you are “overthinking” things a bit. You do not “have” to do anything. I am an adoptive mom with a son (natural born) and adopted a little girl. The birth parents both give gifts to my daughter and most of the time, but not all the time, give things to my son. I do not think any less of them when they don’t give a gift for my son. It does mean a lot to us, though,…esp. our son, when they do give him a gift. And…the value of the gift does not mean anything. It is the thought that counts. Both of my daughter’s birthparents are college kids. I know that they do not have a lot of money to be spending on gifts for either of my children. What the birthmother does, for example, for my son is send him sports posters from the college she is attending. I know that they are not expensive, but my son absolutely loves them and has all of them hanging on the wall of his bedroom. If I were you, I’d get a small little something for the sibling of your child. Even if it is small, like an ornament or a calendar. Like I said, it isn’t how MUCH you spend….it is the thought that counts. And, again, you don’t have to give a gift at all. But I can tell you from the perspective of an adoptive parent, any attention that my daughter’s birthfamilies have given to my son (gift or just interacting with him at our visits) is greatly appreciated because he wants so much to be included in his sister’s adoption.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
I agree with artistmom. In the beginning I asked that my daughter’s first family acknowledge my other children on Christmas (though not their birthdays) if they were going to give Mallory a gift. It could be a very small gift, color books, crayons, etc. It helped with sibling relations. Now that my daughters are older I don’t expect either of my children’s first families to acknowledge the siblings. They are able to understand, and reason and not get the feelings hurt, etc.
It’s kind of like when a friend has a baby, you take a present for the older sibling too.
thanks alot for you input.
Here I was thinking that I would be ‘interferring’ with the family too much if I showed the natural child any attention.
I mean, most of the time I feel like a minor complication for my son, he *has* to see myself and the first father.
He *has* to know about us, he *has* to know we care about him.
Why would the natural daughter(who is a year younger) want to have a complication like me giving her presents or being her friend(even though it’s easy to like her and be her friend) when it’s only something that is really about my son, not her?
I just worried that it might confuse her and she might think that I am actually her first mom too…like I am to her brother.
I know that is silly, but I worry anyways.
It is too late for me to send something for the natural born daughter of my son’s adoptive parents.
Besides, I have no money left in my gift budget because of some unforseen expenses lately.
I have tried to show a little attention to their natural born daughter during that last few visits, she is a very sweet child.
I think there will likely be a visit in about a month or so from now, because that’s the birthday month(for both children)
I will do it the next time I get a chance though.
Lisa V, I never ever even thought of getting a gift for the ‘older’ sibling when a friend has had a baby…I feel like an awful person..:-/ !!
Guess not being a everyday mom means I just don’t get things that real mom(not first moms) do….
thanks again for all the insight, I will remember it all the next time I get the opportunity to give gifts
Again, from the perspective of an adoptive parent….I have never thought of my daughters birthmother as a complication. In fact, I think of her often and am so thankful that she chose us to be her daughter’s family. I feel a bond with her because of that. I am also thankful that my daughter will have an opportunity to get to know her. In short, I consider the relationship with my daughter’s birthmother to be a very special blessing in all of our lives. I could and would never consider it otherwise.
When you said that your son “has” to see you and his birthfather….is that really what was communicated to you, or is it how you are viewing things from his perspectiive? To be perfectly honest, I have never known a child that did not like the thought that there are people in his or her life that love them. I have also never known a child that didn’t like getting presents….no matter who was giving it to them.
Just a friendly suggestion: don’t worry so much.
Cindy, you are totally a real mom.
My other children (who I gave birth too) actually love Mallory’s first family. I would say Noelle is like an aunt to them. She has a totally different relationship with Mallory (obviously) as her mom, but the other girls adore her too.
I don’t think you’re a complication in any way. You are part of your son.
I know you are just trying to be nice Lisa V, you don’t actually know me. I am the complication in every persons life I am in, trust me, I know it’s true.
Noone has to tell me so, I can see it for myself.
Kids don’t usually like me, I’m weird and clumsy and just plain ugly. Kids usually like people that are normal, coordianated, and pretty.
Don’t try and tell me it’s not true, I know it is. I am quite crazy and talk too much…don’t worry though, I really try and limit any one persons exposure to me. I feel better when I am alone anyways. I can do stuff like give gifts, follow rules of conduct, spend a couple hours here or there with people once in a while,(a little as possible) but I can never be what people really want.
Of that much I am quite sure.
Thank you though for assuming the best about me, even though you are quite wrong, I am not a good person(only God is good).
Oh, and I believe my son can decide who he is, I am where he is from but biology cannot control a person completely, I hope.
Wow cindypsbm dont be so down on yourself. It is not true that kids only like pretty people they dont care at all hence the saying ” If only everybody could live life through the eyes of a child.” You are a very pretty person inside and out. You cared enough about your son that you gave him a life that you possibly couldnt provide at the time. Please, try not to think so bad about yourself, give yourself a chance. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself. If you ever need somebody to talk to just email me!!!