We have an open adoption, our agency encouraged it and gave us some education…every year I send a letter and pictures to my daughter’s birthmother. We also buy her birthsisters Christmas gifts. We have always told my daughter the story of her adoption since she was a baby. The problem is, now age 7, my daughter has recently become very interested in meeting her birthsisters. We arranged a meeting but the birth family canceled at the last minute and it seems that another meeting will not be possible for a very long time as her birthsistesr live in a different city. The last meeting we almost arranged was about four years ago, and it was also canceled at the last minute. I do see the birth grandma about once a year, however. At any rate, I feel like I have made a big mistake talking about my daughter’s birthmother as much as I have. I don’t want my daughter to feel rejected…what should I do now? How do I explain to my daughter that her birthmother loves her but does not want to or cannot see her?
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Your decision to be open and discuss your daughter’s birthmother on a regular basis, I believe, is the right decision. My daughter is younger and I have never had the opportunity to even consider visits. I do believe that children can be very understanding of situations. I think being honest, letting them know you realize they are disappointed, ect. is the best answer. If your child had/has some questions about meeting their birthfamily you might explain that the birthfamily may have the same questions or feelings. You might consider other reasons not relating to your child that may keep them from meeting and not that outside things are more important it just makes it harder to make the meeting happen.
teaching your daugther how to handle disappointment is a very valuable lesson. If she doesn’t learn it now, when then?
I would let her know that the reasons that her first family cannot meet her, are not about *her* but about the situation(living far away) that her first family has at the moment. It is never a mistake to be tranparent with your children. Personally I think that one of the biggest mistakes that parents make is withholding stuff they know from their children to ‘protect’ them. I think a better way to protect your child from hurt feelings is to tell them more than enough information so that they know that life is going to disappoint them sometimes. It’s better than your child believing that she will get whatever she asks for. There are many ways you can satisfy her curiousity about her first family. Ask for pictures from the first family, so she can see her what her sisters look like. Maybe ask the first mom if correspondance between her daughters and your(and hers)daughter is possible.
There are many kinds of ‘contact’ that you can make without a physical meeting.
In reality, I think a gradual long-distance introduction might be a good idea in your situation.
I know this isn’t the same as actually meeting them in person, but have you brought up with the birthmother the possibility of communicating via e-mail or by mail? (Like Cindy said.) We live in another state from my daughter birthfamilies, so a lot of our communication is through e-mail. We trade stories as well as pictures. They love to get pictures of my daugher, and she loves getting pictures of them.
Just a thought, maybe she and her birthsisters (which a little help from the birthmother) could become pen-pals for now, with the hope of seeing each other in person at a later date?
Hi, I’m the original poster of this thread. Thanks all of you for commenting on this. I appreciate all of your different view points. What I probably didn’t express well enough is that I am beginning to sense that the birth family has “moved on” and visiting my daughter will probably never be a priority for them. They “talk the talk” but do end up canceling or not arranging visits. Except for the first year of my daughter’s life, I have been the initiator of all contacts, which occur when I give the Xmas gifts, pictures and letters. But they always do such a good job of saying that they are eager to “schedule a long overdue visit” but never do, and I guess I have been gullible in falling for it…kind of like Charlie Brown with Lucy pulling away the football? SO I guess what I am looking for is ways to explain to my daughter that yes her birthfamily loves her but that we won’t be having a lot of visits…maybe telling her that is just “how our adoption was set up?” is a way I have been thinking of telling her. Of course, then her next question would be “why?”
So if that extra info gives any of you any more ideas I would appreciate hearing them. Thanks
Anne
@Anne, I guess the hard answer is that there’s just no way we can protect our kids from the hurt they feel if their first parents can’t or won’t contact them. We have that situation with our daughter’s dad and it just sucks. He’s not a part of her life and it pains her and I can’t take that away from her (I wish I could).
Our situation is different but basically I think you can only tell her the truth as you understand it in an age appropriate way. If your adoption WAS set up that way, then tell her that but if it wasn’t you can tell her (age appropriately) why it’s that way. Maybe the answer is “I don’t know.” I guess what I’m saying is that you tell her as much of the truth that you know and that is appropriate and be honest if you don’t know. Obviously we need to protect our kids and share things in a way that respects their feelings but I also think that we can’t totally take away the pain of not seeing the people they care about.
I’m sorry.
Here’s a thought. I don’t know if you have any pictures of the birthfamily at all…but what I’ve done for my daughter is create a bedtime story/scrapbook about her adoption. It is all about how we came together as a family. The main focus of the story is how much she is loved. That she came to be a member of our family because her birthparents loved her so much and wanted her to have a wonderful life…a life they could not provide for her at that point in time in their lives. My daughter (she’s 3 1/2) loves to read her story over and over again….which is how she is learning about her adoption. If your daughter continues to have questions about why she doesn’t see her birthfamily, I would be honest with her and tell that you truly do not know what they are thinking,…that it could be a hundred different things. But what you do know is that they loved her so much that they gave her something they themselves could not: a good family and a better life than they could give her (at least at that point in their lives).
I don’t know if that helps. Good luck!
I thought maybe a couple different books might help you. I have “Raising Adopted Children” by Lois Ruskai Melina and there is a whole chapter on contact with birth families. It also discusses when contact becomes less. There is also a book called “The Family of Adoption” by Joyce Maguire Pavao. There is a chapter in there titled keeping connections. There are lots of stories from all three groups of the adoption triad. Hopefully they can be of help. They have both greatly helped me in many areas of adoption and will continue to be great resources of information. Hope that helps.
Artists mom, Sally and OA admin, thanks for your comments. The scrap/storybook is a good idea. I have something like it I could probably expand. I have the Melina book sitting on my shelf I will look for that chapter. Up to this point, I thought I had it all well in hand, ha ha. Gosh, telling the hard truth to my child….that is a concept I will have to digest. She perseverates and asks, “Why why why” but I guess sometimes you just don’t know and have to say so. I haven’t even told you all about her birth dad who is an addict and has been on the wanted list in our town and in and out of jail….she has never ever asked about him….that is something I will throw out to you all on another day…Glad I happened on this site, I am definitely at the point where our open adoption is not as cut and dried as I once thought it was and I could use some input from those who have been there done that.
Thanks and happy New Year to you all
Anne
I can give you the perspective of time. My son is almost 18. We adopted him as a baby and have always had an open adoption with a range of 3 to 6 visits a year with both sides of his birth family. The amount of contact ebbed and flowed during some of those years. My son’s birthmother, birthfather and grandparents are now like any other extended family member to him. He loves them, they love him and they sincerely have enriched his life. As adoptive parents, we can never know how it feels deep down to be a birthparent. I know that sometime in my son’s life, his birthmother had her own big, full life in another part of the country to deal with. The times she pulled away had nothing to do with her love for him, but I really think that there were times over the years, that it was too hard to “go there” with her thoughts. And so, there were a couple years, when we had no visits with her. My son would cry about it on occasion and I’d validate his feelings by sharing how I miss her, too, and that I miss my relatives that live far away, too. Bottom line, relax and realize this is life. I agree with the others that it’s ok to feel disappointment and hurt. Those are the times that provide the most opportunity for learning and growth. My son’s life has been fuller with lots of people from his birthfamily in it … even with all of the ups and downs of any childhood, it’s been a better experience with them “normalized” in his life.