For a while a though has been knocking around in my head.
I know many adoptive parents with open adoptions are respectful to first parents and everything.
What I am currently wondering(and I am sorry that I have been so overly-curious lately) is how much to you tell your friends?
For example say a friend makes a compliment on your adopted child(hair, eyes, height, etc) do you just say ‘thank you’ or do you say something like ‘yeah, he/she gets that from her first parents’ or something like that?
If your friends ask you about your adoption experience do you go into detail about first parents at any time, or do you just stick to the facts of the experience from your own POV?
If any of your friends make comments about first parents in any kind of way that could be percieved as negative, do you speak out against them or just ignore them?
I am just wondering about adoptive parents in general and how they conciously or unconciously portray first parents(families?) to the people in their lives.
Possibly Related posts:
- Adoptive parents, would you want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends?
- Can birth mother and adoptive mother be friends?
- How can I find more positive support from other first parents?
- Why do adoptive parents close adoptions?
- Does anti-openness peer pressure have an impact on how open an adoptive parent is willing to be?
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Short answer? Depends on the friends.
Longer answer is more complicated. Because our adoption is transracial, people usually guess that Madison’s adopted. So if I do say something like,”Her birth mom has that same smile” it’s not going to make anyone go “Wha-????” I mean, it’s not like I’m out-ing her as adopted! Also sometimes I can tell people are complimenting her in part to try to figure out how she belongs with us. So depending on the situation, my mood, the attitude of the other person, etc. I may say thanks and I may tell them about Pennie. Also sometimes Madison will tell people she looks like her birth mom.
Adoption experience? Again, depends. If someone is asking stuff? I’m always neutral. With my close friends I’m more willing to talk about complications, etc. I always always always correct misconceptions about Pennie.
re., first parents? I always speak up. Always. Sometimes people say shitty things to me because they must think, “Oh she adopted, she’ll be behind me on this story about a rotten birth parent.” I am happy to correct their stupid assumptions. Fortunately my friends? The actual people I love and who I choose to hang around? They don’t say lousy things about any general population. Unfortunately the times I hear that kind of stuff the most is at adoptive parent support groups. Sucks.
i get that alot because we have 5 biological daughters and then our son…people often say..wow…kept trying fot that boy,,,or Finally you got a son.
I never say..yes hes adopted.. because adoption isnt Who he is. I just smile,,,and say..yes..god defenitly blessed us!
As far as the funny things..like..wow,,he has your eyes..or he has your husbands smile,,We just say…Geee ya think so and giggle to ourselves.
If ive become close to someone,,i will tell them about the adoption..but not the lady at walmart..or parent i meet in the doctors…alll depends on the place and person! : )
Honestly – and I hope you don’t mind my chiming in, since I am not an adoptive parent – I think a lot depends on the situation, the friendship and also your comfort level with your ‘role’ in your child’s life as well as the role of the first parents in your child’s life.
I think, initially, we were all sort of ‘stand off-ish’ and worried about saying something that would hurt each other – then she got older and we found our footing and now, when someone comments about her amazing eyes, her nose which is just like mine or her lovely hair color – her mother has no problem at all saying ‘she gets that from her birth mother’ (her chosen language).
I encourage you to open the lines of communication with your child’s first family and find out where they stand. Are they comfortable?
Also, as far as negative comments from friends, I think people really need to step back and look at the source of the comment. How educated about adoption are they? How educated about language are they? How influenced by Lifetime TV For Women are they?
In my experience, people don’t really try to say hurtful things – they say it out of inexperience, lack of education or in some cases, pure ignorance. Also – they might be trying to use what you see as negative comments to ‘bolster’ your role in your child’s life – thus diminishing the role of the first parent. The best way to address things like this is to just encourage the use of correct language and show your friends or family who might be trying to make you feel better, that you don’t need those type of comments to cement your role in your child’s life – you know exactly where you stand!
I hope you’re able to get the answers you need.
It does depend on who is doing the asking as well as when and where. But I’ll answer assuming I would answer whomever asked. We are also in a transracial adoption so it’s pretty obvious but still takes people time to come around to asking us.
About our adoption experience I share our story whenever possible, but sometimes just pieces of it. If they ask any question regarding the birthmom I will go right into details about how we are in contact with her and such. And how we decided on our daughter’s name. But I wouldn’t share personal details about her unless it was a close friend also touched by adoption that I knew would benefit from hearing her story. It’s not my story to tell.
I do try to speak up for birthmom’s in general if a comment is made. Mainly I’ve received comments about her age and our daughter’s birthmom was in her 20′s when she had her so that shocks nosy people into not asking any other rude questions about it.
I don’t think you can generalize how adoptive parents as a group talk about their adoptions.
For ourselves – Our close friends know all the details of our son’s adoption and birth family. They were with us through years of infertility, the homestudy, they wrote our references for the agency, shared our heartache over all of the failures (both pregnancy and potential adoptions that didn’t happen), waited with us, cried with us, rejoiced with us when we actually got “the call.” We share things with them because that’s what close friends do and we support each other through good and bad. We know all of the nitty gritty details of their lives as well.
We live in a very diverse and liberal area so everyone we know is pretty used to and open to all kinds of family situations so I’ve never felt any judgment passed on his birth family. Friends and coworkers have learned right along with us how it really works. We think our son’s first mom is a wonderful person – she has her act together and has never been anything other than respectful and responsible. When people that we don’t know very well ask about our adoption that’s what I tell them. I don’t give out her personal life details – I’m just really not a gossipy person, but I do tell about our relationship and the kind of person I know her to be. I figure it might be a small step to break down stereotypes.
I have always made a point to always speak positively about our situation and women who are facing unplanned pregnancies in general. (I don’t mean to imply that I sugarcoat everything, but in our situation there is really nothing to gloss over – responsible girl accidentally got pregnant, wasn’t ready to parent for a variety of reasons, end of story). Since this all started so many years ago I have had 3(!!) different coworkers reveal that they themselves were either a first parent or grandparent. Their friendship has been very valuable to me. Makes me glad I wasn’t in the habit of saying judgmental things because you never know the full story of the person asking.
thanks everyone!!
I really value all you input.
Just to give you a better idea of what I am really thinking. My sons adoptive parents are actually close in age with me(less than a decade in difference) and their social group has people in it that are mostly the same age and stage as I am, for the most part.
My son’s adoptive parents have a very very very tight knit group of about 30-60 people give or take. They do everything with these people, and I like that, it all looks very fun. Whenever I see these people in the pictures posted on FB I feel a sense of being excluded because I want to be friends with them too. I just feel like that would never happen.
I often feel that people say judgemental thing out of ignorance, but that ignorance could have been prevented if only someone told them the truth before they could draw the wrong conclusions. I know that’s an impossible task, and I don’t expect my son’s adoptive parents to tell everyone everything.
To be truly honest, I would not mind them talking about me, even the most personal details, as long as they tell the truth about me.
I would rather that people know all the nitty-gitty truth of my life and judge me by that, than assume things that are likely not true, no matter if they are good or bad. I am aware that I am not really that interesting and my son’s adoptive parents friends are likely more interested in being my sons friend than knowing about me, which is totally fine.
Thanks again for all the input, if there are more people who want to say something, please don’t be shy!!
Depends on the situation
When it comes to my daughter’s story I am always careful about what information is given to anyone. My husband and I have chosen to not talk about any of the details of our daughters birthfamily, because we are unsure what she will want as her own private information and what joy she will find in sharing her information. When people say things about her hair or eyes it’s usually people who don’t know she is adopted and I always only say thank you. People who know us don’t make those comments. I do however make comments on other things she does. If she laughs funny, really likes a certain food, or has a large interest in something I will say “Do you think your birthmom or birthdad laughs like that, etc. I will also refer to things she does like my husband and I. I want her to know she is belongs to two families. We do make comments like that in front of friends and family. I also want to say that my family and friends have a great attitude and perception about our daughters birthfamily.
When it comes to our adoption experience I give information in a general statement. I do not give personal information, but I do let people know we had a fantastic experience and continue to have that.
The negative comments always bother me and still catch me off guard sometimes, but I correct them. I am amazed at how rude people can be and the perceptions they have.
grrrrrrr. why does the reset button look like the submit button when you are tired?
trying again………..
for me, the important part of what I say is always “how will this sound to Liam?” If I omit something just because it’s the checkout person at Walmart, will Liam think I omitted it to hide it? because I’m ashamed? because it’s okay to lie? He is too young to fully understand privacy, so he sees it more as hiding something true about him.
and I will ALWAYS stand up for first parents if I hear anything negative being said!!