We adopted our 18-month-old son in an open, domestic adoption. Though I live in fear of losing touch, we have stayed in contact so far. Mostly with us sending updates and photos – initially through the mail and now primarily through email.
I’ve generally sent photos of our son that are of him alone and happy. Basically, I pick out the best, cutest pics of the little dude. The ones that I needed to help me when I went back to work and missed him terribly. And I guess there was a part of me that thought his first family wants to see him, not us.
I’ve been wondering recently about this approach. Are there any natural parents or grandparents who can tell me about how they think about photos? Do you want to see how happy your (grand)child is *with* his new family? Or are the adoptive parents/family a distraction in photos?
Also, would you want to see pictures of him/her grumpy, grouchy, unhappy, or outright crying? I guess I’m wondering whether first families would like a fuller perspective on their child’s life. (You could extend this question to updates – how much should I talk about our son’s tough times, bad behaviors, struggles, or health problems?)
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wow, good question, I am also interested in the answer. I took the same approach you’ve been taking, so far. But have often wondered. I read on a message board one time about a first mom who had received photos and spent some time photoshopping other people out so it was just the child, and that really stuck with me! I try to send him alone, sometimes with other children (like at his birthday or whatever).
Our daughter is almost 2 and we are in an open adoption. We send her first mom everything. Not the horrible pictures but yes the grumpy and crying ones that have a story to share with them.
The way I look at it is what would I want to see and hear and that’s what I send and share. I know the first family probably enjoys the pictures of her more then the ones with us in them and likely don’t display the ones with us in them like they do just our daughter. But I know they appreciate seeing us as a happy family which is why they made the decision to place their child for adoption and picked us.
I have a family blog set up for everyone to view and I mainly post pictures and just what we are doing. But now that she is older I have started adding little stories of what she does. Like desperately wanting to catch the ducks when we go feed them. Going crazy in the fruit isle at the store because she wants the fruit and can’t eat it until we get home. I do try to include things that I don’t share on the blog with just her first mom so that she hopefully feels how special she is to us.
As a first mom I want to answer your question.
My son’s adoptive parents let me see a huge variety in photos. I DO like to see him with others, I want to know what he is actually *doing* most of the time.
I would advise “action” shots. Playing with others inside and outside, in special places(zoo, playground, campground, beach, vacation..etc)
As a first mom I am not only interested in seeing my son’s face and how wonderfully beautiful it is, but I want to see his environment too, including the people with him.
As a first mom I want to be able to imagine what my sons life is like through the pictures.
I have been blessed to see many of these things in the pictures my sons adoptive parents have shown me.
For example:
I have seen pictures of my son opening christmas presents, building snowmen, making snow angel, sledding, participating in a christmas play(as a sheep).
I have seen his halleween costumes and the trick or treating as well in pictures. I have seen pictures of him camping(even petting a deer and sleeping in his adoptive moms arms.. so sweet) and boating and with many other family and friends included in the shots.
I have seen him eating his birthday cupcakes and jumping on his bed, hiding under it and behind it.
I have seen pictures of him playing with their dogs, as well as cousins and friends and many other people.
The shots of just him are nice, but I actually enjoy the pictures that include the activities of his life more.
My biggest piece of advise is whatever you show to other family and friends in reguards to pictures, do the same for first family members like first moms.
Really, the easiest and kindest thing you can do with reguards to showing pictures is to be equal in how you show them to all the people in your childs life.
Thanks for your perspective, Cindy!
Our son is 2 years old and we send his first mom a letter and photos once a month. Usually I try to include photos that illustrate the stories we share in our letters — if I write about how much our son loves to kick the soccer ball, I include a photo of him kicking a soccer ball. I always make sure there are plenty of cute photos of our son and plenty of just him. But I also include photos of our son with his older brother, with us, with extended family, with friends. I was his first mom to see that he is loved by many. As for photos where he isn’t happy, I guess I don’t tend to take many photos of him unhappy! I do share stories and photos of mischief — when he climbed up on the stove to steal cookies for example. And I’ve sent photos of him crying on Santa’s lap! His first mom has told me that she loves the photos so . . . hopefully she’s happy with the photos we’ve chosen for her!
As far as health problems, I am totally open about these. Some of it (such as his food allergies) is important for her to know since it could have implications for her other children. Minor stuff, like colds, I include like, “He had a bad cold this month, so we weren’t able to go to playgroup. He saw the pediatrician and is feeling just fine now!”
I am glad you liked my post S.K.
I have to tell you though that my sons adoptive parents do not tell me very much about my son otherwise.
I was never told about any of his firsts, and when I visited and asked about them, his adoptive mom was extremly vague.
I even asked if she scrapbooked his first and she said she scrapbooked some other pictures but ‘forgot’ to but in firsts and that kind of thing.
Sometimes I get the impression that my sons development is not that important to her.
I remember once(my son is almost four years old now) when he was just about two years old she(adoptive mom) made a casual comment that usually he wasn’t very huggy/cuddling type of boy, except when he was sick. This shocked me at the time because I had asked and asked about his health through emails and they always said ‘hes fine’ and then I learned he was actually very sick just weeks before that visit!!
I am always so jeolous when I read adoptive moms saying that they tell that kind of stuff to first parents, makes me always wonder why I am excluded from knowing such things…
but I do get great pictures!!
Our son’s first mom lives about 10 minutes away from us so we get together quite a bit (probably about once a month). Our daughter’s first mom lives out of state, but her family is also about 1/2 hour away from us so when she is home visiting we always get together (about 4 or 5 times a year). I pretty much share everything with them that I do with my family and friends. We are friends on facebook–which makes communication very easy. Jakob’s birthmom has been around for many of his firsts and actually has a better scrapbook than I do. She gets all the same prints that we send to family. I post most of our photos on facebook too so everyone gets to see them there. We don’t have any kind of formal agreement with Jada’s first mom, but she knows she is welcome to ask for anything she wants. She originally wanted a closed adoption and we kept pushing to open it and we have since been building a beautiful relationship. We live very close to the airport so when she flies home she always seems to surprise us with a few minutes notice for a visit–so our house isn’t very clean. Cindy~ maybe your son’s adoptive parents feel like they will be hurting you if they tell you personal things. We did the “boundary dance” the whole first year with Jakob’s birthmom and there were not always easy moments, but we have all grown so close that it was worth every minute of “uncomfortableness”. They just may be really threatened by you–and maybe not–it could just be their personality.
For me, I just want my children’s first moms (we don’t have contact with their dads) to know how important they are to us and how much we love them how much we cherish seeing their personalities, their eyes, and their smiles in our kids and even hearing how much they even sound like them when they laugh. We wouldn’t know that if we didn’t know them. Sometimes people just don’t know how to say that or show that to others–or are afraid to say it. So maybe that’s why they don’t tell you much. I hope it changes, though.
I think it’s up to the individual, communication in any relationship is the biggest key. It will be your best friend in adoption. As a first mom myself, I chose the family she’s with, I want to see them interact, confirm my decision; again communication cause we aren’t all the same and each adoption is different.
when my son was younger, i found it really difficult when the adoptive parents were in the pictures. it was almost like a visual reminder. now that he’s older, i care less who is in the photos, just that i actually receive them. the adoptive parents have been pretty good about just sending ones of The Kiddo alone.
there’s no such thing as too many pictures. like some of the previous posters, i would love to have more “day to day” pictures, action shots, The Kiddo just being The Kiddo. even the grumpy, angry, crying ones.
again, there’s no such thing as “too much information”, at least for me. i wish i knew more about The Kiddo – tough times, etc… it would definitely give me a better sense of him & his character.
Good question! My sons Afamily sent us pictures every couple weeks via email, for the first two months. Now that we’ve gotten to know each other better, we get together at least once (usually more) a month and I get to take my own pictures. His amom will also send us picture messages in between visits, especially if he is doing something new. While we are on a visit I take pictures of EVERYTHING. I have pictures of him laughing, crawling, eating, getting a bath(those are the best!), and even screaming his head off in tears. I try to get all kinds of pictures. I also take pictures of him with his Afamily (brother, cousins, aunts, grandparents, parents, friends), because it’s nice to go back and look at how much he is loved and take care of. It’s nice to see how everyone interacts with him and each other. It’s nice to know what his life is like.