We adopted from foster care. Bmom has significant cognitive delays due to a head injury as a child. We had three successful post adoption visits and are overdue for the next visit (open adoption agreement is for two visits per year).
Bmom recently left her husband, who helped her manage much of her life. She is now living in a homeless shelter with a new boyfriend. I have been trying for weeks to schedule a visit, but just can’t nail it down. We’ve offered to drive to where she is and pick her up at the shelter, but we are not willing to pick up her boyfriend whom we’ve never met (he moved across the country to move in with her, having met her on an internet chat site). She would like to schedule it for next weekend because they will have gas money so he can come too.
I love giving my son an open adoption. I know it is a gift for an adoptee to know his/her birth parents.
But it feels like I am really chasing her. I thought that we agreed to this weeknd, but now she doesn’t have gas money and has “other plans”. I am totally willing to make accomodations for her disability, but how far does that go?
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Hmm… the outlook for the relationship does not sound very sunny… on the other hand, who knows, he might turn out to be a positive influence.
My suggestion would be to have a shorter visit, in the city where she’s staying. You could explain that since you don’t know her boyfriend yet, you really need to get to know him before you feel comfortable inviting him into your home, but you’re really looking forward to meeting him. Perhaps you could drive over there, pick them up, and then spend a few hours together at a local fast-food restaurant or indoor play area. That way your child could have a visit, and you would be able to take stock of the situation.
Too me she sounds like she might be under the control of this new ‘boyfriend’ if she is suddenly changing her might.
Especially since she is a vunerable person, I can see it really being the ‘boyfriend’s idea to come to the visit and cause you the confusion you are experiencing now.
Just my thoughts on the matter, as a first mom, I actually go far far far out of my way at my own expense to see my son and his adoptive family.
Usually I am the one who has to spend days wages on a five hour trip only to visit for just an hour or so and then make the same trip back.
All at MY expense, but I am more than willing to do it, really. It just bugs me that they don’t seem to care at all about the cost to me…
Anyways, definetly meet in a public place if you *have* to meet with the boyfriend as well.
I would also suggest bringing some of your own friends with you, just in case she doesn’t show, you have company to keep you.
If or when you do actually visit, have your sons first mom write down for you during your time together what she wants in terms of visits and such.
Just an idea, it might be a good way to help her see that she has the responsiblity to let you know what kind of participation she can or is willing to have in your open adoption.
We decided to invite her to join us for bowling. Since J loves bowling we knew that he would have a good time even if she didn’t show. I called her ni the morning to remind her and at first she said she wan’t coming. I told her that J was expecting her and she needs to come. She did. The boyfriend came too. He clearly has his own struggles with mental health, but was actually nice. We had a good time. Still figuring this out.