Comments on: How do we get our child’s bmom to visit? http://openadoptionsupport.com/2010/02/05/how-do-we-get-our-childs-bmom-to-visit/ for families and individuals who support openness in adoption Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:20:27 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Flowersoup http://openadoptionsupport.com/2010/02/05/how-do-we-get-our-childs-bmom-to-visit/comment-page-1/#comment-1295 Flowersoup Mon, 15 Feb 2010 13:58:10 +0000 http://openadoptionsupport.com/?p=902#comment-1295 We decided to invite her to join us for bowling. Since J loves bowling we knew that he would have a good time even if she didn't show. I called her ni the morning to remind her and at first she said she wan't coming. I told her that J was expecting her and she needs to come. She did. The boyfriend came too. He clearly has his own struggles with mental health, but was actually nice. We had a good time. Still figuring this out. We decided to invite her to join us for bowling. Since J loves bowling we knew that he would have a good time even if she didn’t show. I called her ni the morning to remind her and at first she said she wan’t coming. I told her that J was expecting her and she needs to come. She did. The boyfriend came too. He clearly has his own struggles with mental health, but was actually nice. We had a good time. Still figuring this out.

]]> By: cindypsbm http://openadoptionsupport.com/2010/02/05/how-do-we-get-our-childs-bmom-to-visit/comment-page-1/#comment-1281 cindypsbm Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:26:43 +0000 http://openadoptionsupport.com/?p=902#comment-1281 Too me she sounds like she might be under the control of this new 'boyfriend' if she is suddenly changing her might. Especially since she is a vunerable person, I can see it really being the 'boyfriend's idea to come to the visit and cause you the confusion you are experiencing now. Just my thoughts on the matter, as a first mom, I actually go far far far out of my way at my own expense to see my son and his adoptive family. Usually I am the one who has to spend days wages on a five hour trip only to visit for just an hour or so and then make the same trip back. All at MY expense, but I am more than willing to do it, really. It just bugs me that they don't seem to care at all about the cost to me... Anyways, definetly meet in a public place if you *have* to meet with the boyfriend as well. I would also suggest bringing some of your own friends with you, just in case she doesn't show, you have company to keep you. If or when you do actually visit, have your sons first mom write down for you during your time together what she wants in terms of visits and such. Just an idea, it might be a good way to help her see that she has the responsiblity to let you know what kind of participation she can or is willing to have in your open adoption. Too me she sounds like she might be under the control of this new ‘boyfriend’ if she is suddenly changing her might.
Especially since she is a vunerable person, I can see it really being the ‘boyfriend’s idea to come to the visit and cause you the confusion you are experiencing now.

Just my thoughts on the matter, as a first mom, I actually go far far far out of my way at my own expense to see my son and his adoptive family.
Usually I am the one who has to spend days wages on a five hour trip only to visit for just an hour or so and then make the same trip back.
All at MY expense, but I am more than willing to do it, really. It just bugs me that they don’t seem to care at all about the cost to me…

Anyways, definetly meet in a public place if you *have* to meet with the boyfriend as well.
I would also suggest bringing some of your own friends with you, just in case she doesn’t show, you have company to keep you.
If or when you do actually visit, have your sons first mom write down for you during your time together what she wants in terms of visits and such.
Just an idea, it might be a good way to help her see that she has the responsiblity to let you know what kind of participation she can or is willing to have in your open adoption.

]]> By: atlasien http://openadoptionsupport.com/2010/02/05/how-do-we-get-our-childs-bmom-to-visit/comment-page-1/#comment-1280 atlasien Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:12:28 +0000 http://openadoptionsupport.com/?p=902#comment-1280 Hmm... the outlook for the relationship does not sound very sunny... on the other hand, who knows, he might turn out to be a positive influence. My suggestion would be to have a shorter visit, in the city where she's staying. You could explain that since you don't know her boyfriend yet, you really need to get to know him before you feel comfortable inviting him into your home, but you're really looking forward to meeting him. Perhaps you could drive over there, pick them up, and then spend a few hours together at a local fast-food restaurant or indoor play area. That way your child could have a visit, and you would be able to take stock of the situation. Hmm… the outlook for the relationship does not sound very sunny… on the other hand, who knows, he might turn out to be a positive influence.

My suggestion would be to have a shorter visit, in the city where she’s staying. You could explain that since you don’t know her boyfriend yet, you really need to get to know him before you feel comfortable inviting him into your home, but you’re really looking forward to meeting him. Perhaps you could drive over there, pick them up, and then spend a few hours together at a local fast-food restaurant or indoor play area. That way your child could have a visit, and you would be able to take stock of the situation.

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