OK….maybe I’m over-thinking this…but first my daughter’s birthmother ignores her 4th birthday. Now…I’ve been trying to set up our annual summer visit (our 1 visit a year) and, from what she told me, she will not be able to meet. Should I be worried?
We have had some great previous visits. I even thought our relationship was getting easier and closer…especially after last summer’s visit. We had a great time, and she seemed to have fun playing with my daughter and spending time with her. She had put a lot of thought into the gift she had brought for her, and I could tell from her expression that she loved giving it to her and seeing her reaction.
Perhaps I’m worrying too much. I know she has to be busy…she will be graduating from college, starting a new job, and planning a wedding. Should I just “hang back” and wait for her to let me know when a good time would be? The difficulty with that is we live in two different states and there is no easy way to see her. Even if we meet half-way…that’s a 6-hour drive (at least).
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She’s graduating, starting her first real job and planning a wedding. How does she even have time to breathe? Have you made plans to attend her graduation? Did you even consider it?
There is an ebb and a flow to open adoption relationships. As an example, my daughter is in elementary school. Prior to that, we were able to plan visits on a whim. Now? We cater to the school schedule which leaves precious little time to visit. When your daughter starts and you have to deal with those schedules, perhaps your daughter’s birth mom will think, “Gee, they’re too busy for me now.”
Let her know that you’re excited for the great changes she’s about to experience and that you’ll be available when things settle down.
We won’t be able to attend the graduation because my kids are in school during that time and…it’s a 14 hour drive from where we live. She already knows this…we had discussed it.
I know she has a lot on her plate, which is why I asked her if it was possible to meet between now and the end of the year. That leaves open quite a few dates. We want to fulfull our promise that we made to her that we were committed to at least one visit a year. And now that my daughter is getting to know her and her birthfather…I would just hate for it to be more contact with one and not the other.
Does that make sense?
I think you may be reading too much into it. Perhaps she is just caught up in a lot of other stuff (school, planning a wedding, etc) and is emotionally and financially drained and can’t visit. She may be too embarrassed to admit to you that she doesn’t have the money to come visit. I would just let her know the door is open and you would love to see her (maybe you could offer to pay for her tickets if you are in a position to do so?) whenever she can. Visits may seem to go well on your end, but they are emotional and hard for birth parents. I understand wanting to keep an even level of contact between the birth father and birth mother, but some things are just out of your control. Also, I am adding my own personal experience in here: I went to college after placing my daughter. She was my reason for going. If they didn’t come to my graduation I would be deeply hurt and upset. I would probably never tell them that, but it would upset me very much. I know taking the kids out of school is a big deal, but so is graduating college. I would very much want my daughter to be able to see that.
Erica…thanks for you input. I have spoken to her about the graduation. Besides taking the kids out of school, it would also be very expensive for all of us…getting there, hotel, meals, etc. And we are saving pennies to take a summer vacation…during which we are tying in a visit with the birthfather (would have also included the birthmother if she could have made it).
Anyway….in lieu of going to the graduation….I am going to do a special painting for her. I have already started the preliminary sketches and intend to have it done, framed, and sent to her before graduation day. I thought that would be even more personal than if I went to a store and bought something, and hopefully she will appreciate all the heart and soul I’m putting into it.
Again, I know she has a lot on her plate right now. I probably am reading more into it than is there. As an adoptive parent….I just have moments of uncertainty, where I wonder…am I doing right by her? I know I am doing everything she asked at the beginning of the adoption (actually more), but I still wonder if I am doing enough or if I am being sensitive enough to what she might be going through. I’ve tried to ask her at different times if she is happy with the amount or level of contact. She insists that she is more than happy with what we have been doing. I guess I am “overthinking” and I just need to relax and just keep doing what I have always done. She knows that she has an “open door” so to speak. I’ve let her know that we welcome her contact (call,e-mail, etc) at any time and not to hesitate to call.
OK…I was reading too much into it. I’ve been in touch with the birthmother and we are planning a date for a visit for next Thanksgiving…after things have settled down for her. I feel so much better because I didn’t want to miss a year without us seeing her.