So I just want to ask a question or two about the emotions of an adoptive mom. Would you rather that the birth/first mom of your adopted child actually not love her child? Does it bother you to think about the fact that she(first/birth mom) gestated and gave birth and is biologically connected to your adopted child and you are not? Would you rather not know or hear a birth/first mom talk about her experience of pregnancy and birth? Does it make you feel less of a mom to see that you adopted child has traits that you do not but that the birth/first family does? Are you ever afraid that the biological connection between the first/birth family will be stronger than your connection through nuturering?  Do you want to see the birth/first mom and or family(even though there are capable) as incapable of raising your adopted child so you feel more validated in your role as a parent?

I want the most honest answers to this. I know these are tough questions. Feel free to tell me whatever you need too.

As a birthmom I think I have this need to see the parents I choose as pretty much perfect. Actually personally almost everyone seems perfect compared to me. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others because we are all so unique but its hard not to because I just want to know if I'm 'normal'. Reading these blogs of adoptive parents is revealing to me that they too have insecurities. I am starting to realize that people are not perfect and that is ok. I worry too much about what people think of birthmothers. Not me personally but just the idea. What would come to the mind of a single mom if I told her I gave up the chance to parent? Could we still be friends? Maybe, unlikely. I wish that I could understand why people are so afraid of the very idea of a birthmom but are very sympathic to adoptive parents. To me its like people like to believe in heaven but the fact of hell is unthinkable. To me you can't have one without the other. Gee... I hope that the site doesn't think I meant to swear...lol. I am beginning to realize that adoptive parents weren't neccessarily prepared for parenting. Maybe they didn't feel like they could take a parenting course if they weren't sure they would get a child, maybe they didn't buy any baby stuff for the same reason. In my mind before I even choose the parents for my birthchild I had this idea in my head that their are dozens of people with completely done nurseries who have finished five or six parenting courses and are just more than ready to parent. The truth is that there are couples who dream of parenting but don't actually have to courage to prepare until they get that phone call. They are all just people. I worry that because of all the scary stories of birthmother with addiction problem or mental health problems or just relational and stability problems that probably the vast majority of birthmothers who are living clean, responsible and healthy lives, like me, will be put into a stigma that isn't right!! I want people to know that birthmothers can be, and most of the time are good people!!

When I think about my birthchilds life now and my life it is not a question of whether I should have parented or placed but whether I should have choosen the family I did. The family I choose now has a child that was born to them and it is obvious that they favor this new person. I don't think they even realize they do. My worst fear as a birthmom is not that the parents I choose will close the relationship we sometimes have but whether or not they actually 'want' to parent my birthchild. I have only learned now that I could have had so much help to parent but I am embrassed to admit that I had to much pride to accept any help. I imagine sometimes what my birthchilds and my life would be like now if I had choosen a different family. There was a family the birthfather and I considered before deciding on the parents and I know because of a agency newletter that this family did succeed in adopting their second child but I think they waited far too long. I sometimes wish I could have choosen them then their wait and the ages of their children would be much closer and my birthchild would have had an 'adoptive' sibling. Something I wanted and expected, but then my birthchilds parents did not expect to have a child born to them. I really wonder sometimes if they wish that I hadn't choosen them at all now that they have a child born to them. That might seem crazy....but I am human and am allowed to have doubts.

NOT MY OWN

Not my own.

Against my soul and body,

Logic tells me it is so.

Mindless Passion caused life to grow,

Answered a hope I did not know.

Of Nature we are the same,

Becoming more is your fate.

Decided for you is a different way,

For always as my Love will be,

With regret my word remains.

You do not belong to me.