A friend of mine at church has been collecting letters from people to themselves a year ago as part of a project he’s doing… He asked me to participate (since I’ve had such a crazy year!), so I did. Here’s what I came up with:
Hey Sweetie,
It’s you, almost a year from now. I know you’ve had a rough year… losing someone you love to suicide and then ending your relationship with the man you were making wedding plans with. I know how lonely and empty you feel right now. I know you feel like God is a million miles away. I know you sit and read your Bible and do all of the things you think you’re supposed to be doing to follow God and wonder if you’ll ever feel the passionate love you used to feel for Him again. I know you’re scared that you’re about to nose dive into your old life if something doesn’t change soon. I know the prayers you whisper through your tears begging for the transformation and new heart and beauty instead of ashes scripture promises and wonder if in all your attempts to return to your past life as the “good girl” you somehow missed your chance. And, I know you had sex last night, answering your own self-fulfilling prophecy.
I wish I could say that God’s plan to answer your prayers include a magic wand and immediate resolution where everything once again feels miraculously “right” and life is great, but that’s hardly the case. You see, the thing I know that you don’t… You’re pregnant.
Yep. Last night when you thought it felt oddly different from the times before… you were right. That time irrevocably changed your life. In a few weeks, you’ll wake up one morning and feel like you need to take a pregnancy test. By the fifth attempt, you’ll start to believe that terrifying blue plus sign. You’ll walk around like a zombie for a few days and eventually make your way to the doctor, who won’t be able to officially confirm the pregnancy for almost two weeks. And then you’ll see him… that incredibly tiny human, smaller than a lima bean, whose heart is already beating inside you.
While you know abortion isn’t an option for you, you’ll also have to come to the realization that the hopes and dreams you have for this child are greater than you can provide him. The more you interact with the man who got you here (yeah, he lied about that vasectomy), the more uneasy you’ll become with the idea of trying to parent a child with him. The more you consider what you can realistically guarantee a child, the more you’ll feel it’s not enough. By the time you share the news with your family, you’ll have decided that the best thing you can do for this child is to let him go.
You’ll pray for guidance like you’ve never prayed before… and God will answer. There will only be two local agencies you get solid referrals to, and only one of those you’ll feel comfortable with. Your prayers for your son’s parents will be answered in the first profile you read, and completely confirmed when you meet them. While the process of making an adoption plan for your son will cause your heart to ache more than you thought possible, you will never really doubt that you’re making the best decision for him.
Unplanned pregnancies are supposed to destroy lives. They cause confusion, fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, isolation… and you’ll have your share of those. But, one thing you’ll never feel is hopeless. God is going to rain love down on you like you’ve never imagined. He is going to bring people out of the woodwork to offer support in every way imaginable- prayer, listening ears, shoulders to cry on, meals, rides, hands to hold at doctor visits, help dealing with the father, advice, a place to stay, flowers, labor support… the list goes on. Though you’ll lose your job, He’ll provide financially in ways that often astonish you.
This pregnancy is going to finally truly motivate you to seek out healing in hopes of being a healthy and positive influence in your son’s life. You’re going to spend seemingly countless hours in counseling, reading books, talking to friends and mentors… At times, it’s going to leave you feeling completely exposed. Sometimes, trudging through all those old emotions will feel like it’s making things worse- problems with your parents, friendships gone wrong, date rape, abuse, all of those men who left you feeling like there’s nothing worth loving if you’re not willing to fall into bed with them… but, when you hold that baby, that’s all going to fade into the background. The hurt and anger and fear of the past will pale in comparison to the love you feel for that child, and when you experience that love for this baby you helped create… you’ll finally get it.
The answer when you ask God how on earth you’re going to be able to let go of him? “Hold Me tighter.” When the grief suffocates you… “I’ve missed you like that… every time you’ve walked away.” Handing him to the nurse and watching her walk away with your son, you’ll catch a glimpse of the pain and love in Christ’s sacrifice.
You’ll finally get it.
Yes, the pain ahead of you is great, and even now I know there is still healing required ahead. But, you will survive it. And you’ll come out on the other side with more love, joy, peace, faith, hope, freedom and strength than you ever expected to know. Things may seem bleak now, but it’s not too late to fix your heart on God. Trust Him; follow Him; and know that He’s faithful. He’ll answer those prayers of yours- not only in spite of your mistakes, but through them. You will get that new heart- the heart of a mother. You’ll be blessed with adoptive parents who truly desire an open adoption, and every time you look at your son, you’ll see nothing but beauty where ashes should have been.
I wish I could be there for you as you go through all of this, but, as far as I know, science has yet to successfully develop a time machine. I will, however, be waiting for you on the other side.
Love, Britney
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