birth father; feelings; open adoption

• Birth father ties-

  Will I be perpetually be fifteen when it comes to him?  We haven't spoken in 5 years.  We both have spouses and children of our own.  But he was my first love.  I imagined that we would be married one day.  I thought the child that we placed was going to be ours at first.  But he ran.  And I never got him out of my system.  Is it because we had a child together?  Or is it like this for anyone with an "old flame"?

  I feel stupid.  I just wish I could hang out with him once to show myself to see that he's not as cool as he used to be.  And it would help if he's gained a few pounds and is starting to have wrinkles.

  lol