Open Adoption Support

Openness with families who are addicts?

OAS Administrator — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 21:23:32 +0000

So, are you all encouraging visits with small adopted children and their birth moms/dads? What if birth parents are addicts, not stable. Isnt this a lot for a child to have to deal with. Isnt it asking a lot of the adoptive parents to help their child shuffle their affections back and forth? It seems that when the courts determine birth parents loose their parental rights and the child is adopted, nobody should have to continously deal with all of this emotional baggage. I guess I am feeling a little vulnerable and angry right now, but, I really would like to know why people think this is the right thing to do?

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Ethica: Call for papers

OAS Administrator — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:58:00 +0000

LGBT Adoptions: Our Community, Our Voices Conference
Ethica and the Alliance Project
November 5, 2010

We are pleased to invite members of the LGBT adoption community (birthparents, adoptees, and adoptive parents), adoption professionals, researchers, and practitioners to submit presentations and papers that address issues of representation for the “LGBT Adoptions: Our Community, Our Voices Conference” at the University of Arizona, Tucson. Traditionally adoption conferences have focused on the psychosocial well-being and adjustment of adopted children, adoption policies, or best practices by adoption professionals. For this conference, we aim to gather adoption triad members and share the struggles and joys of the LGBT adoption community through their own experiences, voices, and with their peers and adoption service providers. Our goals are:

-       to create opportunities for mentorship with LGBT prospective adoptive parents and other triad members
-       to provide educational opportunities for adoption service providers (CEW/CLEs)
-       to develop sustainable outreach efforts between LGBT prospective adoptive parents and adoption service providers locally in Arizona and online

We anticipate a unique mix of presenters and participants, from notable bloggers to adopted youth, and encourage creative responses to the following issues:
-       barriers to LGBT adoptions
-       access to support networks and information
-       maintaining relationships in open adoptions
-       protections needed for LGBT adoption triad members
-       narratives on domestic, international, and IVF adoptions

We welcome submissions on additional issues that focus on issues of representation for the LGBT adoption community.

Submission Guidelines
Time allotted:
Papers/Presentations: 20 to 45 minutes
Panels/Workshops: 90 minutes

Performances or multimedia presentations are also welcomed.

Submissions will only be accepted via email at ethicainfo@gmail.com.

Submission Due: May 1, 2010
Acceptance Notices: June 1, 2010

Proposal information
1.     Title of Presentation/Paper/Panel/Workshop
2.     Format (Presentation/Paper/Panel/Workshop)
3.     Primary presenter and affiliation(s) with the adoption community, organizationally, professionally, or personally
4.     Address, Email, Phone, and Website/Blog if available.
5.     Co-presenter(s) and affiliations(s)
6.     Contact information for co-presenter(s)
7.     CV’s, resumes, or if unavailable, a brief biography.
8.     Content description (500 words or less)
9.     Summary for website and program
10.   Has this presentation been presented prior to this conference? When and where?

Ethica, founded in 2002 as a non-profit organization, is dedicated to its mission to advance ethical considerations and protections for all members of the adoption community: biological parents, adopted children and the adults they become, and adoptive parents. This conference is made possible by a grant from the Alliance Fund whose mission is to develop and enhance resources that benefit the LGBT&S community in Southern Arizona through philanthropy, endowment building, and collaboration with straight allies and friends.

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How many too many members of birthfamily for first visit?

OAS Administrator — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:53:52 +0000

We agreed to our first visit with our son’s birthfamily (birthmother and birthfamily are all who are listed in the agreement) being at 6 months after placement, which is coming up in May. The birthfather has told us now that they want to have the birthmother, him, his sister and her family of 4, his mother, the birthmother’s mother, and some number of her family (she has 15 brothers and sisters) all along on the visit. We feel that this is too many people for a 15-month old (how old he will be at the time) to be crowded by. We don’t think they understand that he won’t likely remember any of them, especially since he was passed from family member to friend throughout the first 9 months of his life. We are worried that so many people demanding his attention and affection will overwhelm and maybe even frighten him. Anyone successfully navigate a similar situation? Our birthfamily is pretty selfish and not overly caring about our son vs. their needs, unfortunately. Thanks!

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Do you do Facebook with your child’s other family?

OAS Administrator — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:40:26 +0000

This morning I received a Facebook Friend Request from my children’s birthmother. It was completely unexpected and through me for a loop! Before I respond, I wanted to ask for the collective wisdom of others.

Both of our children share the same birthmother. Our son was born in September 2008 and we were present for his birth. When he was six months old, she contacted us to ask us to adopt a second baby. Our daughter was born in October 2009.

It has been an open adoption from the start. First facilitated by the agency and then quickly through direct contact with all of our information exchanged. My husband and I, although US citizens, live in Switzerland. She actually picked us partially for that reason. She didn’t want “too much” contact. But we have always exchanged e-mails and telephone calls (via Skype). In addition, I set up a photo blog, which we post photos and stories at least once per week. Plus we send packets of photos to her and her mother four times per year.

But we actually hadn’t heard from her in about two months, even though I have sent a few e-mails asking how she is doing and giving her little stories about how the children are. And now, out of the blue, she sends a Facebook Friends Request.

I hesitate for a couple of reasons. Number one, I am an active Facebook user with a smaller number of friends that are my family and close friends. My status updates are a mixture of what is happening on a daily basis in our lives, what is happening around the world and bits about being an expat living abroad. Occasionally I may vent a bit about the frustrations of dealing with people or the less fun parts about being a stay at home mother to two children under two. Nothing bad, but quite personal. A much higher level of personal than we have shared in the past. It would be a big jump in our relationship, not a gradually increase.

On the other hand, I feel it very important to maintain that contact for my children’s sake. On those occasions when we have traveled to the United States, we have always made an effort to see her, although it hasn’t always worked out. (Generally she has backed out of seeing us.) But we have seen her a couple of times and I want that to continue as much as we are able.

So, do others have contact via social media with the other members of the Adoption Triad? How is it working? What do you recommend?

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How can I prepare for a long visit?

OAS Administrator — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:35:37 +0000

First, let me say that my DD has an amazing birthfamily and they have truly given us so much more of a relationship than I ever dreamed we could have. We love them and want them to be involved in DD’s life as much as possible. We have done many, many day trips and other visits and they have gone 98% well.

Having said that, I am also a little freaked out, since this upcoming visit will be the longest we have ever done (several days). DD just turned one and they (birthmom and birthgrandparents) are coming for a visit. They are staying at a hotel, so that part is okay, but I am so nervous about the awkward silences. I know that there is still a lot of grief involved for them and I know that birthmom wouldn’t have chosen any other family than us, but it is so hard to know what to say sometimes. All of us are still second-guessing ourselves. Even ordering pizza gets overly complicated. I end up completely drained after just a few hours and I need to be able to entertain for several days. Any ideas or tips. Games to play? Things to do? What do you all do? I’ll take any advice! Thanks

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First mom can’t meet. Should I worry?

OAS Administrator — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:02:07 +0000

OK….maybe I’m over-thinking this…but first my daughter’s birthmother ignores her 4th birthday. Now…I’ve been trying to set up our annual summer visit (our 1 visit a year) and, from what she told me, she will not be able to meet. Should I be worried?

We have had some great previous visits. I even thought our relationship was getting easier and closer…especially after last summer’s visit. We had a great time, and she seemed to have fun playing with my daughter and spending time with her. She had put a lot of thought into the gift she had brought for her, and I could tell from her expression that she loved giving it to her and seeing her reaction.

Perhaps I’m worrying too much. I know she has to be busy…she will be graduating from college, starting a new job, and planning a wedding. Should I just “hang back” and wait for her to let me know when a good time would be? The difficulty with that is we live in two different states and there is no easy way to see her. Even if we meet half-way…that’s a 6-hour drive (at least).

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What is all this pain for?

OAS Administrator — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 15:29:26 +0000

My daughter will be two next month. Her parents are wonderful. We skype and email often. We’re facebook friends so I can see tons of pictures and get a glimpse of their day to day life.

The problem is that I don’t feel that I’m important in the little one’s life. A two year old can’t understand so what is all of this contact accomplishing except to make me sad? I can’t possibly be important to her parents. I get tons of pictures on her mom’s facebook but everyone sees those things. They’re nice to see but they’re not special because they’re not chosen just for me and no effort is going into making sure that I have them. I guess this just all seems more important to me than to my daughter’s a-parents.

Why do I try so hard to do what they want even when it hurts if they don’t care and a 2-year-old can’t understand?

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My child’s first mom ignored her birthday. How do I handle it?

OAS Administrator — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 15:24:37 +0000

Today is my daughter’s 4th birthday. When the mail came, I expected to receive something from both of her birthparents (or at least, to have received something BY today.) A package came from the birthfather. Nothing from the birthmother. I checked my e-mail, because in the past she at least sent her an e-card. Nothing. I haven’t yet opened the box from the birthfather because I know that my daughter will question, “Where’s my present from K?” It is possible that it could be late. It is possible that she did not send anything at all. I don’t want my daughter to think that her birthmother didn’t think of her today or loves her any less than her birthfather because I know that is not true. But how do you explain to a small child that even though one sends presents and not the other…..they both love and think of her with the amount of love and affection?

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How do I talk about absent birth fathers?

OAS Administrator — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 01:49:22 +0000

We have good relationships, although very different from one another, with both of our kids’ birthmothers. We talk fairly often and have periodic visits. My kids’ birthfathers are a completely different story, however. We have no contact with either, and likely won’t, at least, not until the kids are older. One denies paternity, and the other has a history of violence. It’s been natural to talk to the kids about their first mothers–they’re family. I mean no disrespect to these men, but I’m trying to think from my kids’ perspectives. Just who are these birthfathers to my kid? They aren’t involved with the kids’ fist moms, they weren’t involved when they were born. It seems the connection to them is strictly biological and I don’t quite know what to do with that. Especially, since it seems to bring sex into the equation. I mean, my 3 year old just barely gets that babies grow inside a woman and that he did, too, just like everyone else. That’s how his birthmother first became a part of his life. But, his birthfather? Um, how do I explain that in a way that’s appropriate. I’m not really sure what to say. Any insight here?

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How do we get our child’s bmom to visit?

OAS Administrator — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 20:55:32 +0000

We adopted from foster care. Bmom has significant cognitive delays due to a head injury as a child. We had three successful post adoption visits and are overdue for the next visit (open adoption agreement is for two visits per year).

Bmom recently left her husband, who helped her manage much of her life. She is now living in a homeless shelter with a new boyfriend. I have been trying for weeks to schedule a visit, but just can’t nail it down. We’ve offered to drive to where she is and pick her up at the shelter, but we are not willing to pick up her boyfriend whom we’ve never met (he moved across the country to move in with her, having met her on an internet chat site). She would like to schedule it for next weekend because they will have gas money so he can come too.

I love giving my son an open adoption. I know it is a gift for an adoptee to know his/her birth parents.

But it feels like I am really chasing her. I thought that we agreed to this weeknd, but now she doesn’t have gas money and has “other plans”. I am totally willing to make accomodations for her disability, but how far does that go?

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