imagine being unexpectedly pregnant. imagine working up the courage to call an adoption agency. imagine the overwhelming feelings of the first appointment at said agency. imagine discovering how many families in the pool from which to "choose" to parent your unborn Kiddo. and then, imagine trying to discern how much openness you desire.
how can a person (expectant mom, prospective adoptive parents) make a sound, lifelong commitment about openness without a personal frame of reference?
i knew what was "normal" by the agency's standards. but were those "guidelines" appropriate for me? i had no idea. i'd never had a baby, placed a baby. were pictures every three months for the first year, once a year around the birthday after that first year enough? was a potential visit annually at the agency function adequate? this was fairly "normal".
do you make a lifelong commitment after two lunch dates and paperwork?
i couldn't choose an appropriate haircut while pregnant.
and yet i did make choices, on the basis of what i surmised would be best for the impending, but still abstract in some senses, Kiddo. i made decisions for someone i'd never met, setting precedents without prior experience.
cross posted at my blog
I wrote an article a few
I wrote an article a few years ago. Staged as an interview with a first mother: she told her story about how, when, why she placed her daugter at the age of four, with a couple.
I concluded the article with some suggestions I'd researched about open adoption agreements. I recommended that all parties revisit the original open adoption agreements every five years or whenever a big change happens in one party's life, (ie) a move across state lines, a new marriage, etc.
I hope that helps. A first mother should never feel "locked in" when making a decison about placement. In fact, you should never feel "locked in" about ANY major life choice. Whenever you feel like you don't have a choice or the opportunity to change your mind, step back and rethink/retool before you make a final decision.