My aunt is an in-the-closet first mother whose baby girl was born in November of 1974. She went on to finish college and marry the father of the baby (I was their flower girl and they doted on me for years before they started their family) and they went on to have 3 more daughters together. The youngest one is a senior this year and I just got this really weepy, "enjoy them because they grow so fast and there are so many regrets" type of email from her, which is very uncharacteristic. She doesn't know I know about the adoption, but I know from my mother that my aunt carries a lot of shame and guilt. Her parents said such awful things: Her dad compared her to a dog who abandons her puppies, her mom told her she would sooner abort than carry a baby and give it up, then when my aunt went on to marry the father and have 3 more daughters with him, her mom would always say, "How is that child going to feel if she comes and finds you and finds out you married her father and had more kids with him?" blah, blah, blah.
I don't really know what my question is, but I just feel like I want my aunt to know that she's not alone and that she doesn't have to carry this shame and stuff. I know there are a lot of first-mom blogs out there, but do you think I would be over-stepping by sending her a link and letting her know that it's ok? I don't know what I want to say to her, I just know this is an awful time of the year for her and I hate that I know why she's down and don't have the courage to reach out to her. Any suggestions?
"I know there are a lot of
"I know there are a lot of first-mom blogs out there, but do you think I would be over-stepping by sending her a link and letting her know that it's ok?
I don't know what I want to say to her, I just know this is an awful time of the year for her and I hate that I know why she's down and don't have the courage to reach out to her. Any suggestions?"
So many factors will affect how she might take bringing up the situation. Maybe she is ready to finally deal with it, maybe not. I never told anyone until reunion about my relinquished son, but, I longed to tell someone as keeping the secret was a huge burden.
It might be a huge gift to her to let her know that you have some understanding of her situation. So many moms suffer alone and think that they are the only ones who didn't "get over it." Depends on how much of a risk taker you are. I say, nothing ventured, nothing gained, but I am a bold one!
It's not as if she's forgotten and never thinks about her child, so in a sense it really is not "dredging up the past" as some people like to say. Sometimes bringing up the past needs to happen, that's how I see it. It never gets resolved if you don't face it. That's wishful thinking.
What to say? Just say something similar to what you said above. Say you understand that this time of year is hard for her and know that she is not alone. There are many groups, forums, etc. that might make her feel less alone. CafeMom where I have my new group has several Birthmom Groups and many other adoption groups as well. The blogs are good too.
Thanks Cookie. I'll take the
Thanks Cookie. I'll take the risk.