When adopting our daughter, her birthmother had been out of her life for 3 1/2 year. It was obvious to all involved that she belonged with us. Our contract states the usual, quarterly visits, pictures, no friends, visits at our home etc. Yet verbally we talked about how it could be whatever we make the contact to be and there was no reason why she couldn't visit more often that the contract outlined. We explained that the contract was to fall back on, if needed. TWO MONTHS into the new arrangement, our daughters first mother is constantly asking for extra's; take her to her workplace to show all her friends, come early, stay late, hang out at the mall. Our daughter is only 4 years old. Many of the things her first mother is requesting are the exact things we want to protect her from! I am having difficulty staying positive and declining her requests with grace. Any suggestions?
How do I decline a first parent's requests?
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I would also encourage you
I would also encourage you to look at it from your daughter's POV. What is their relationship like? Does your daughter want to spend time with her? If you initially said that "there was no reason she couldn't visit more often than the contract outlined" and if things are going well, I am sure your daughter's first mother is feeling encouraged and happy to be part of your child's life.
I'm not sure what you mean by "protect her from."
I would encourage you to write or talk to her and discuss the original agreement and explain clearly why you would like to stick with that; although it does seem like you opened the door to more when you indicated "no reason she couldn't visit more." If you have changed your mind on this it would be good and fair to communicate this.
Who did you write the contract through? Was it an agency or attorney? Maybe they could help you mediate a bit.
Try to see this all from
Try to see this all from your daughters first moms view. Shes super excited to see and know this child. I'm sure she doesn't realize that shes an inconviencence to you. I am a birthmother myself and I can tell you all I really want is to be seen and treated like a real person. Do to others as you would do to yourself.