Most people when they think of adoption and open adoption they think about how the adoptive parents have to accept the reality of a birthfamily. From my point of view it also come from the birthfamily too. I am very encouraged by the fact that my own mom seems to have accepted the decision I made to place instead of parent. For the first year or so it seemed that she was afraid to even put a picture or two out. She has never heistated to frame almost any picture of anyone in my whole life. Her walls are covered with pictures EVERYWHERE so it hurt my feelings a little that she couldn't accept my choice at first. Now, I think since she had the chance to visit with the parents I choose she feels that they are a part of our family now. I know that most parents who adopt think that just one person is joining there family but in the minds of birthfamilies it is them that is joining the family. Maybe the whole world is just one big happy family. I know thats too liberal and impossible. I wonder if it would offend the parents I choose to know that my mom considers them are part of our family. I hope that they would possibly consider my family as part of theres, even just in thought but not pratice. We are all just people. Nothing to really be afraid of.
acceptance
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Though I didn't plan for
Though I didn't plan for this when I went about trying to adopt, YES, I do consider my daughters birth family my family, and not just my daughter's birth mother.
(H= birth mother) H's mom is a source of pain and stress for H., for a multitude of reasons. I have come to understand that she loves her mom but also has a hard time with her. When H. was pregnant, she tried to persuade her to terminate, then was embaressed of her when she was pregnant and planned to place her baby for adoption. I still get physically ill when I think about how hard it must have been for H. to go through this pregnancy dealing with that level of stress.
Of course, I never thought that it was a fairytale for your first granchild to be placed for adoption but I have found it hard to forgive her for how she treated H. But H, has and so I have ,too.
My daughter is drawn to her birth grand mother, because she is playful and funny..not picking up on the complexity of the dynamics. She doesn't need to, she is only 4. H. has had to deal with the fact that her mom gets called Grandma..but she has taken the high road .
When I look at my own family of origin, I have family that I am not close to at all. But they are still my family. Some of them I don't even like, and I have found the same to be true of my daughters birth family.
I have never met my daughters birth father or any of his family. He doesn't even know who his biological father is, so we may never have a complete picture of my daughters ethnicity. But when the AWFUL social worker at our agency referred to hims as a "DUMMY" I felt enraged. This surpised me. She was referring to his lack of education, and I was mad that she would have such a non compassionate view of any human, let alone my daughters birth father.
It seems that when we care
It seems that when we care very very much about someone, anyone connected becomes important too. No matter what their character traits I believe there is an instinct to protect what is 'ours' or anything even remoted connected. This is always espiecially true when a child is involved, being that they are helpless to defend themselves against what is unjust. Thank you for your story. I really liked reading it.