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I found my child's first mom online; should I contact her?

Posted May 4th, 2008 by dawn

We are in a semi-open adoption relationship with our son's first mother. The first year we sent the agreed upon pictures and letters through the agency and on his first birthday we got a letter and some pictures back from her. The next time we sent a letter, pictures and a gift through the agency, it was all returned to us. The agency said to stop sending them stuff but to keep writing. She had moved without updating her address. I have asked the agency to try to find her new address and contact her but they won't.

So, I just happened to type her name in to a search on Facebook and she popped right up! I am really tempted to create another more anonymous page for us and contact her by sending our email address through Facebook. I just want to let her know that we still would like contact with her and that we are still here hoping to hear from her when she is ready. I don't want to inflict unnecessary pain on her. She can ignore the request or write back if she wants. My husband thinks that this is pushy and inappropriate. I feel like it might open the door for her a little. Is it wrong to do this without the agency involved?

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I have facilitated open

On June 10th, 2008 ellen says:

I have facilitated open adoptions for more than 28 years and raised daughters in fully open adoptions which I opened, but found great resistance from their birth mothers.  Both felt that the openness would be too difficult and felt fearful.  The adoptions fully opened to visits when the girls were 5-6 and it has been wonderful.  One of my daughters just turned 28 last week and sees this open stuff as a "big ho hum."  No mystery, just lots of family to love  and cherish her.  No, they have never been confused.  that myth always tickles me.

Both their birth mothers and others I work with had said without fail how "healing" the loving inclusive openness is.......said they never thought it possible to be so comfortable.
My advice to all my clients is to "kick in the front door" with reticent birth family and make sure they are a close important part of your life.  When I write contact agreements which are legally enforceable in many states now all include pictures and letters during special holiday times 6-8 times a year.  All involve visits at least  once a year, but usually at least twice even if people live in separate states.  I have some families who spend holidays with birth family and see them a couple of times a month.
The main thing is the integration as family..........I have been working with a 14 year old teen who has never had an open adoption.  She longs desperately for contact.  I have written to her birth mother several times.   This began as a last minute closed adoption.........my teen is not doing well in  school or much else and would not celebrate mother's day with her adoptive mother.  She always says to her parents: "Your family are not my relatives."  She is a very curious young woman - has the "curiosity gene" in spades, but as we know not all people do.  She is one of those adoptees with a high need to know her birth family and siblings.  Her adoptive family is taking her across the country this summer to see where she was born and hopefully arrange a meetings.  I think her birth mother would love her.
As a professional in this field for more than 28 years, I don't believe in semi open or closed adoptions - my mistakes like other professionals who knew no better years before have come back to haunt me.  It's no wonder such high numbers of adoptees are in residential treatment centers across the country.
ellen 

Thank you all so much for

On May 11th, 2008 jessicahtx says:

Thank you all so much for your feedback.  I received an email from my son's first mom this morning.  She was so happy to have heard from us and said she had been looking for us too.  She said my email has made her mother's day! Hers made mine too!  Yay! Thanks again.  I cannot wait to start correspoding with her more.

That's great news!

On May 27th, 2008 MamaB2C says:

That's great news!

Wonderful!!! :-D

On May 11th, 2008 heather says:

Wonderful!!! :-D

You have to remember that

On May 5th, 2008 cindy.psbm says:

You have to remember that agency is a for-profit business and they don't make any money from birthmothers so they usually don't care about them. You should totally try to contact your childs birthmother. I am sure she would really really like that. She might be afraid though that you won't like her. She might also think its wrong for her to know her birthchild even though she probably really wants to know just that her birthson is ok. I am sure she wishes she could contact you but maybe the agency or her family has discouraged her from doing this. Be warned she is probably still greiving her loss and going through those stages. By all means though, contact her!!

Given your previous history,

On May 4th, 2008 heather says:

Given your previous history, it doesn't seem inappropriate to me.  Especially since she has the option of not opening her Facebook page to you. I don't think it's pushy to say what you told us: that you would still like contact with her, you'd love to hear from her on her timing and that you'll respect her request if she's not ok with communication right now.  You're just letting her know where things currently stand on your end.  She can do with that what she wants.

You sound sensitive to her feelings in what you wrote here; I'm sure that will come through in your email to her.  Best wishes!

My take? It's absolutely ok

On May 4th, 2008 dawn says:

My take? It's absolutely ok to contact her as long as you make it clear that you will respect her wishes and won't be hassling her through the internet. One thing I've heard a lot from first parents is that they haven't been explicitly told that they matter to their children even if they're not parenting (some have been told -- perhaps in not so many words -- that they are NOT important). This is your opportunity to let her know that she matters, that you value her presence and that you welcome her participation in your lives. What she chooses to do with that is up to her.

I might also give her some options. Like how she might want to be contacted (only online, not online, only by email, etc) or if she needs the security of a schedule. Or if she'd rather contact you first next time.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!!!