Why do we advocate for open adoption? What is the definition of a successful one?
I didn't set out to have either an open or closed adoption..when my dd's first mother was pregnant, I remember asking her if she had an idea of what kidn of contact she wanted, and she always said I don't know..but I felt a need to get a better idea, so she said for sure she would like pictures a lot the first year..
we ended up having in person visits once a month for the first year, and I was finding it difficult to maintain that from a pragmatic time perspective, and also an emotional/energy standpoint.
For the next 3 years we have been getting together pretty consistently about every 3 months..we used to email a lot more, but we are both busier..we always are sending each other those funny forwards about angels, etc.
One of the hardest things about having an open adoption is the lack of immediate support in the general community .. if something uncomfortable happens, I have learned I can't just tell any friend..myparents are supportive but my MIL is still weary of the whole concept, but has respected our choice. So, I have learned to deal with a certain amount of stress about it "looking like its not working"
In fact, I have a cousin who told my mom she would not consider adoption because of our situation. I have another cousin who adopted from Korea and thinks we are nuts. Its hard but I have grown from learning to be true to my self.
when people ask me "WHY" I can tell they assume that it is some "concession" we "agreed to" in the negotiation of our adoption, which is not what it was like at all.
I think my motivator was the desire for good kharma in the building of my family. Yes, its complicated and effortful to have a real relationship with my dd's birth family (as it is for them as well) but it feels so much LESS right to not continue contact..it just feels wrong.
Truthfully, I wonder at times if it does help birth families? or adoptive parents?
My gut is that its ultimately about honoring a child, and where their story began..and like all parents, we do our best.
Honestly, our first step
Honestly, our first step into considering open adoption felt completely by force. I knew nothing about it, and the closed way (at least in my mind when we started researching adoption) was all I knew. But in our province, the premise for domestic placements, whether infants through private agencies or children in care through children's services, is a starting point of openness and consideration for trying to have some relationship and contact between adoptive and first families. So we had to consider openness if we were going to consider domestic placement here at home.
And as DH and I talked about having openness with our children's other families, we concluded that in the end, it was the most loving way of entering an adoption relationship. It was respectful of the place our children's first families had in their lives. It seemed like a way to show them and our children that they were not only important as their parents, they were important as people. It was ultimately about relationships and as we examined others in our lives who were in adoption-related relationships (and they included all sides of adoption...) it just seemed that with as many unknowns that were out there because of being open, that the possibilities of all of us benefitting from openness, and the familial relationships that come with it, far outweighed the potential struggles.
I don't expect anyone to understand how hard it is in our situations trying to keep the relationships open with our children's other families. It has been hard. I do all the work. And people beyond DH and I have questioned why we don't just "let it go". And all I can say is that is not how I deal with family. I don't just let go of hard relationships with siblings or in-laws (and believe me the tough stuff is there!!!) so why would I 'let go' here? And honestly, I would rather have it hard than not to know anything about my children's other families at all. It's sometimes hard to know the tough stuff going on with them, but mostly I''m glad we know what we know, not only for our sake but especially for the sake of our children and their understanding now and in the future of the "why's" of their placement in our family.
So for us, I would say, advocating for openness has been a growing edge. I have gotten past the almost militant, trying to change other's mind side of things to just tell our story. I see so many potential benefits to at least trying. And so many possibilities through when times are tough. I wouldn't give up (and I wouldn't NOT try!!! gotta love the double negatives!) just because it's hard on me right now. If it ever gets hard on the kids, then we'll have to re-consider. But I made the commitment to openness when our children joined our family. I have to keep that commitment.
The reality of open adoption
I first became interested in
I first became interested in openness in adoption because I believed (and still believe) the research that says it's best for the kids. Later I came to believe it was also the most ethical way to have an adoption for first parents.
I think there is no one definition of a successful open adoption because the circumstances of so many adoptions are unique to that family alone.
I do agree with you about outsiders not understanding and it's why I created this site. I know that I really really really value the support I get from other triad members who understand my commitment to openness and don't question it. Without that support, our way would have been much more challenging.
Honestly as a birthmom I
Honestly as a birthmom I haven't really thought alot about what its like for you. I imagine that not alot of people want you to have contact with the first/birth family of your child because they are on 'your side'. The first visit I had with my birthchild and the adoptive parents was when my birthchild was three months old and I remember the adoptive mom telling me about peoples reaction like. For example she told me alot of people whom she hadn't seen in a while would say 'I didn't know you were pregnant?' and she would tell them ' I wasn't' and she told me alot of people especially when my birthchild was very little (now is 28 months old) ' wow you look great' . Meaning of course that she looks good for a women who just had a child, and she would just have to say ' thanks' but not tell them that she adopted my birthchild. I know it must be hard to try and tell them you value someone(birth/first mom) that they think could possibly reclaim the child they all love so much. I believe open adoption is about treating everyone as humanly as possible. Thats why we all must advocate it.