Am I doing enough?
I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 7-month old in an open adoption. When signing some of the final paperwork with the agency his birthmom chose to have a verbal contact agreement rather than written. I haven't really been able to get her to verbalize what she wants. I have her email address and a phone number, but she prefers contact through email. She added me as a friend on her facebook page so I'm taking that as a good sign.
I have been sending her a monthly email with all of the details that I can think of as to what the little fellow has accomplished that month. We also update our flickr page pretty regularly so that she can see pictures whenever she wants. Her pregnancy and adoption plan was kept hidden from her family and she lives with them.
Is the monthly email and flickr page enough? I hesitate to print pictures or make little keepsakes because I know she still wants to keep the secret from her family. I also get the impression that the idea of an open adoption is new and she feels it's not her place to "make demands" even though we've tried to make it clear that she can ask for a visit or anything any time that she wants and that we would welcome visits with her family if/when she chooses to tell them. I also know that she's going through her grieving process and I'm not privy to what she's thinking. We've gotten together twice so far, but because of the secrecy a physical get together requires covert operations with military precision (which make me feel icky, but that's a whole separate post). I had bought her a card for Mother's Day, but then had no way to get it to her. I guess that I should have sent her an email instead and now feel like a jerk for not doing so.
So I guess this is a two-part question -
1) Is there something else that I could/should be doing? Or should I continue to rely on her to tell me when she needs/wants more and not push it?
2) Should I continue to list every little detail in my monthly email or is that too much? What do others include in their regular letters?
Sorry for all of the rambling, it's still new and I'm trying to figure it all out and desperately trying not to muck things up in the process.
It sounds like you're doing
It sounds like you're doing a good job. I know our son's birthmom really looks forward to pictures and letters (she doesn't have Internet access), so I can imagine yours would too. If she has Net access, then she can print out or order the photos she wants. Just keep in touch. It's a great start.
It sounds like you're doing
It sounds like you're doing great! You've been consistent, you're honoring her current boundaries, and you've let her know the door is wide open for more. I wouldn't worry (well, I would, but that's only because I worry things to death) that you're not doing enough. Everything you do right now is laying a foundation for the future and the relationship will hopefully continue to grow over time.
You mentioned it seems open adoption as a concept is new to her. Do you know if she has someone helping her navigate things, either from the agency or elsewhere? I can only imagine how hard it would be to sort out your role as a first mom and what you want in terms of contact all on your own, on top of grieving. I don't know if giving her a book would be too complicated given the secrecy, but Making Room in Our Hearts is a good open adoption primer. There is also a nice series of short guides at Insight (here, under "For Starters").
Thanks Heather - she doesn't
Thanks Heather - she doesn't have anyone helping her navigate everything. She didn't talk to anyone about adoption until she was at the hospital in labor so she doesn't really have a relationship with the agency. Only one friend knew of her pregnancy. She assumed that she once she left the hospital that would be the end and she would never see or hear from him again. She seemed thrilled to then find out from the hospital social worker that something called open adoption existed - although I think overwhelmed too beacuse it meant that she had to do some "work" when she just wanted "be done" with all of the stress of a hidden pregnancy.
It has really opened my eyes as to how easy it can be for adoptive parents to take advantage of birthparents and various vulnerable situations - when she's not asking for anything it would be so easy to just go on without her and no one is there to tell her that she can speak up and ask for something. We're very consciously keeping ourselves in check so that she (and our son) never has any reason to feel angry about how we handled these early years.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll check those out.
As a birthmom I can tell you
As a birthmom I can tell you its not a good idea to 'leave it up to her'. She might be waiting for you to offer a visit or ask her if she wants something like a keepsake. I certainly wish that the adoptive mom of my birthchild was more like you!!! She promised updates but never has sent even one and my birthchild is now over two years old!!! The adoptive mom of my birthchild is on my Facebook and I see pictures through that sometimes but she has over 300 people on her Facebook! This birthmom is probably going through some grief and I think about the time that you child turns one she will probably want to visit. Most birthmoms feel this way I think. I know this because I am part of a website just for birthmoms and have heard a few say that even though they agreed to less contact at first after the first birthday they started having a stronger desire for contact. I think it has something to do with being physically well too. It takes time to heal after giving birth especially if you are not getting any support or help with grief its hard to be emotionally well to engage in any type of relationship. Just please don't give up on keeping her updated. Its probably the only thing she lives for at this point!!
Good point. I close every
Good point. I close every email by asking if she wants to get together, but that may not seem sincere or specific enough. Maybe I'll make a point of asking for a specific activity together.
My husband were talking recently and decided that we would go ahead and make the keepsake things and just hold onto them. That way we can give them to her when we get together next and/or she isn't worried about having them around the house for someone to accidentally see.
Thanks for your input! When she's ready for more I want her to feel comfortable enough to let us know.