Our daughter turned 5 this past April and for the past two years, we have been meeting her biological father, sister and grandmother once a year at the zoo. The only contact we have with her birth mom is letters and pictures through the agency. Her sister is 8 and her family has told her all about her sister and that she was adopted. We are discussing about when the right time would be to tell her about her birth family. Right now she knows them as friends of the family. She is only 5 and we are not sure how much she would truly understand. She and her brother, who is 3, do know that they are adopted, but we haven't explained details at this point. She has asked if she were in my tummy
and I explained to her that no she wasn't, she was in someone else's tummy. She did ask who the person was and I told her that I would have to find out. I didn't think she was ready for all of those details at that point. She was fine with that answer and didn't ask anymore questions.
Another question is that we do not have contact anymore with our son's birth family. We did the first 1-1/2, however, nothing since. We send pictures and letters through the agency. We have the visual contact with our daughter's birth family once a year, but none with our son. Any suggestions on how to explain the different situations. He is only 3 and would definitely not understand, we are just thinking ahead.
I would greatly appreciate any advice on what other families have done in this same situations.
Honestly, you should have
Honestly, you should have done this from the beginning. The longer you wait, the worse the fallout will be. The second commentator has good advice. If you have books about adoption - Joanna Cole's How I Was Adopted comes to mind - start with that, and then go on to explain her adoption.
As for being "fine", well, how can a child be "fine" if she doesn't know where she came from? A birth family is a very important piece of information and connection. You don't need to go into minute details, such as why your daughter was placed for adoption, but the basic details of her birth story are extremely important, even at this young age. In preschool, children start to realize that babies grow inside of people. They begin to notice how they are alike and different from their families and friends. So telling her as much as you know, in an age appropriate manner, would set her up well as she grows. Just because she's not asking questions doesn't mean she doesn't have them. If you're tight-lipped about the details of her adoption, then she's going to think that it's not appropriate to talk about.
Tell her as soon as you can, in an age appropriate manner. Use a book or tell her own story. (I made my son a storybook that tells him all about his birthfamily and his forever family.) Let her ask what she wants to ask of you and her birth family.
Good luck!
I really don't like the
I really don't like the part where you stated 'I will have to find out' to your child. That is a lie. You know who gave birth to your child. You should have just said 'its a very good friend of ours', or something like that. I'm not saying you should tell the whole story right away, just don't lie! that is the worst thing you can do! Now when you child finds out the truth maybe years from now the fact that you lied will not be good for your parent-child relationship!!
Telling your child her whole
Telling your child her whole story is not necessarily about giving all the details. My children have been hearing their story, and have known about their first families since they were born. And with DD (she's 4) we discuss it regularly (with DS right now it's one sided as he doesn't have many words yet). It's about making their story a natural part of conversations in every day life. Their story should not be a secret.
I would tell her mmediately and with honesty that your "friends" are actually family. IMO, Start at the beginning. Tell her how you met them. What your first meeting was like. And how the decision for her to be in your family came about. My kiddos both have siblings parented in their first families and we talk about them often, what they might be doing that day. This might happen at one time or in several conversations over time. And she is already asking questions, and withholding the truth isn't going to help her understand all of who she is. The longer you wait the harder it will be. And don't wait for her to ask, make it a part of natural conversation in your family. And the details, whatever they are, will come out of these conversations.
As for your second question, I think this is a dilemma that most families who have more than one first family in their lives face. We sure have and will face this as, although we are very open to many visits a year, we don't really have alot of control over when their other families are open and/or ready for a visit. Our contact is very sporadic with both. We will talk about the differences in relationship (right now, we've met DD's other family several times since her birth but have yet to see DS's other family in two years, not by our choice) in the context of other relationships in our lives, at least in the beginning. My family lives in another country so our kids don't see Gram and Pops very often. Their relationship is over the phone, email, sending letters. But with DH's family, they live 90 minutes away. So kiddos know Gammy and Gampa much better. Different circumstances mean different levels of relationship. We'll be pretty matter of fact but in the end, when they're old enough to handle the whole story, we will talk in detail about why their other familis have chosen to have the level of contact they have.