Open Adoption Bloggers

The topic:

This is a topic that is very timely for me (Thanksgivingmom) right now, but is something that all of us in open adoption deal with at least once during the year: birthdays.

I know that birthdays can be an extremely emotional time, for everyone connected to adoption, not just those of us in open adoptions. So what is it that we do, as part of our open adoptions, during the “birthday season”?

Our experiences on this are so diverse, that I don’t want to limit your responses to one specific question. BUT, since some of us (like me!) sometimes like the specific questions, here are a few that have been rattling around in my brain as my daughter’s third birthday approaches:

• What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?
• What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?
• Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
• How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?
• If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?
• If you’re an adoptee, how were birthdays celebrated in your family with regards to open adoption?
• How do you wish they would have been celebrated?
• And anything else you can think of!

The responses:
Barely Sane (adoptive Mom) @ Infertility Licks writes: “Again, MG is too young to really “get it” just yet but as time goes on, the timing of these gifts will not go unnoticed and I think it will be significant for MG to know she isn’t forgotten on that day.”

Susie (first Mom) @ Endure for a Night writes: (on attending her placed son’s birthday party) “If we can’t make it, I would like to call. Of course, that’s not exactly right; in some ways, I want to not call or go or have any kind of contact. I want to grieve and mope and feel sorry for myself. But since I keep reminding myself that this is a child-centered open adoption, I want to want to do the right thing by Cricket.”

Jess (adoptive Mom) @ The Problem with Hope writes: “Birthdays are an extremely special and sentimental thing around here….and I don’t think that I’d ever want to “separate” her birthday from her birth family (as if that’s even possible!!).”

Debbie (adoptive Mom) @ Always and Forever Family writes: (on birthday/holiday visits as part of an open adoption agreement) “Given that M is the quiet type I’m glad we have that established so that we don’t have to wonder about a visit around those times. Sure schedules and distance might be an issue but I know we’ll always try to visit around Isabel’s birthday and Christmas.”

Robyn C (adoptive Mom) @ Adoption Blogs writes: “I always think of S as Jack’s birthday grows near. Every year, I remember how we wouldn’t have Jack if it weren’t for S. We wouldn’t be a family without her. I think about what Jack’s life or our lives might be like and shudder.”

You Never “Get Over It” (first Mom) writes: “I have often toyed with the idea of having some kind of ritual for his birthday (preferably one that requires me to stay home and NOT go to work), but I just don’t know WHAT. Nothing really brings me any peace about him being gone. I have yet to find any ritual, any ANTHING that makes my soul less raw, my emotions less fragile on his birthday.”

Dawn (adoptive Mom) @ This Woman’s Work writes: “To me, Madison’s birthdays are very symbolic of the progression of our open adoption. Caution at the beginning. Trying to figure out boundaries. Pennie’s tentative attempts to create her own celebrations. Then finally a merging of our friends/families and public recognition of Pennie’s presence in our family and her relationship to Madison.”

Leigh (first Mom) @ Sturdy Yet Fragile writes: “Her birthday, and the fall season/Thanksgiving bring on mixed emotions for me. In many ways I can get upset if I let myself think too much about our couple short days together and the horrible moment when I had to physically hand her over. But for the last few years, I also looked forward to her birthday, as it meant I would soon be receiving an update and some pictures.”

Ginger (first Mom) @ Puzzle Pieces: Adoption writes: “The years I haven’t…it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that their birthdays are hard for me. It’s that picking out a birthday card that’s suitably neutral and inoffensive is emotionally exhausting for me. It’s not simple. Nothing is simple.”

Jenna (first Mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkinland writes: “Birthdays are probably the hardest day of my yearly adoption journey. And yet, at the same time, I welcome them for they mean that my beautiful daughter is another year older. It means that I’ve spent another year getting to know her in various ways. It means that I get to celebrate her presence in my life. I can ignore the general melancholy of the day for the most part if I know that my daughter has remained in my life for yet another year.

Family of Three (adoptive Mom) writes: “Actions speak louder than words, and the fact that FirstMom is setting aside her current challenges to make the effort to be here for Sassy will ring much more clearly than my reminders someday to Sassy that FirstMom does love and care about her.”

The topic:

This round we’re going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard–or perhaps even made–statements like these?

“We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”

“The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”

“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families–or not–on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn’t make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

The responses:

Susiebook (first mom) at Endure for a Night: “Your child can’t create familial relationships on his or her own—by leaving it up to the adoptee, you make a relationship impossible at first and then merely difficult, handicapped by the years spent in the dark.”

Ginger (first mom) at Puzzle Pieces: “I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like,’We can’t decide if openness is good or bad so we just won’t decide now. Instead, we’ll push these adult decisions off on a child.’”

Elly (adoptive mom): “I get the feeling that too many a-parents who are fixed on a closed or semi-open adoption are doing it because they aren’t comfortable with the child’s birthfamily. But his (our son’s) birthfamily is his family. I don’t want him to be afraid to be curious, or interested. Or surprised. Or try to figure out himself how to ‘make contact’.”

KatjaMichelle (first mom) at Therapy Is Expensive: “All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well. If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended family connects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are.”

Leigh (first mom) at Sturdy Yet Fragile: “My initial reaction is that I can’t disagree entirely with these statements. I think that they represent a fair argument, which is to say that a child may not be mature enough to fully comprehend such complicated relationships as are present in open adoptions. However, from what I’ve read from several families participating in fully open adoptions, there seems to be an organic level of understanding, and of love, that takes place for the child, even if he or she does not have the adult words or labels to explain those relationships.“

Rachel (adoptive mom) at Henry Street: “I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period.”

Dawn (adoptive mom) at This Woman’s Work: “Well, obviously I disagree. And these kinds of arguments drive me crazy.”

Valerie (first mom) at From Another Mother: “At first, I’m not really going to have a choice whether [a hypothetical aunt is] in my life–and I’m probably not going to care. However, it’s still my choice whether to have a relationship with her. I still get to decide–whether consciously or un–whether I like her or not. My parents may dictate how often I see her as I grow up, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out of my way to talk to her or bond with her. It’s my choice. And as I get older, the choice becomes more and more my own.”

Barely Sane (adoptive mom) at Infertility Licks: “Bonds are formed over time. It will take time for MG’s birth family and myself to form a relationship that all parties are comfortable with. We need that time now, while MG is still too young to recognize the awkwardness of it.”

Luna (adoptive mom) at Life From Here: “To those who say that contact would be confusing for the child, I fail to see how spending time among family would be any more confusing than trying to understand later why your parents never made that option available, if it was possible.”

Shmode (adoptive mom) at Frogged Mind: “I do not look down upon those that have decided against open adoption as it is more than just the best interest of the child at stake. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree, but the adoption itself isn’t solely a single individual’s life experience. There are a mass of people surrounding the child that are affected on a daily basis by his or her presence, so you cannot tell me that a serious decision like this should only consider the needs of the child and the child alone and ignore the persons that will surround him in his daily life for years to come.”

Lavender Luz (adoptive mom) at Weebles Wobblog: “We do better to normalize our children’s adoption from as early as possible. Our children come to us living in a gap between their biology and their biography. The sooner this schism is addressed and the less spread open the cleft is, the more likely it is to heal well and completely. Integration of the two parts of an adopted child’s identity should, in my mind, be the responsibility of the decision-makers (parents) from Day 1 with their new child.”

Andy (adoptee/adoptive mom) at Today’s the Day!: “Mine was a closed adoption, so this is mostly theoretical. But I would have been PISSED if I had found out as an adult that my parents had either known my first family, knew how to contact them or kept them from me in any way.”

Sustainable Families (adoptee): “Taking a quick glance over at open adoption research over at the Adoption Institute, we find that their conclusion seems to be that semi-open adoption is in fact, the hardest. Going on adecdotal evidence, I would agree. Semi-open adoptions and open adoptions with limited contact are, I believe, harder for children and biological parents”

The topic:

Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption, and how.

The responses:

Adoptive mom Jenn Mc says Thanksgivingmom made her more aware of her own actions toward her child’s birth mom.

Prospective adoptive parent Prabha at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream tells how stumbling onto Clio in an internet search completely changed her mind about open adoption.

Prospective adoptive parent Thorn at Mother Issues describes how an encounter with Dawn‘s family changed her partner’s view of her decades-old adoption.

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how her friendship with Barb of Cigarettes and Coffee helped her keep the door open, even when it seemed like no one walked through it.

Adoptive mom Cynthia at In the Night Kitchen recalls turning to the internet to help her get over her fears–and finding This Woman’s Work.

Adoptive mom Rredhead at the Adoption.com Open Adoption Blog rounds up her favorite first mom and adoptive mom blogs, plus two group blogs.

First mom Ginger of Puzzle Pieces finds parallels between her oldest daughter and Madison, insight into the adoption process at Hoping for Another Little One and Parenthood Path, and an example of the sort of cooperation open adoption requires at The Great Surro Adventure.

First mom Amstel of Amstel Life shares some of her favorite positive adoption blogs, while noting that it’s the writers opposed to adoption who have forced her to really come to terms with the “what ifs.”

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile tells how blogs like Weebles Wobblog and Parenthood Path allowed her to see adoptive parents as people and take a chance with her daughter’s adoptive parents.

First mom Thanksgivingmom of I Should Really Be Working shares how the words and support of Coco at Mommyhood and Life help her make sense of her own situation.

Adoptive mom and adopted adult Andy at Today’s the Day! says writers like M de P, Thanksgivingmom, Jenna and Dawn have helped her cope with the limbo of her family’s lopsided adoptions.

First mom and adopted adult Valerie of From Another Mother is inspired by the advocacy of The R House.

Adoptive mom Barely Sane at Infertility Licks says the blogs of first moms like Brown, Thanksgivingmom and Valerie showed her new, practical ways to communicate with her daughter’s first family.

Prospective adoptive parent Amy of  Beanie Baby Blog says blogs like Heart Cries, Infertility Licks and Amstel Life have her rethinking their thus far conservative approach to open adoption..

First mom Susiebook at Endure for a Night appreciates the insight This Woman’s Work gives her into adoptive parents, credits I Should Really Be Working with grounding her in the midst of her grief, and sees herself in The Happiest Sad.

Prospective adoptive parent Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One appreciates Ginger‘s honest appraisals of her very different open adoptions, Heather‘s stories of thinking through adoption in our home, and being able to share in the growth of Luna‘s open adoption relationship from its beginnings.

Adoptive mom Lassie at Eggs Benedict Arnold shares how vital it has been for her to face up to the hard truths found in Not Mother.

Adopted adult Anonadoptee at The Adopted Feminist envisions being one of the first to have grown up in an open adoption to use her experience to support others–and generously opens herself up to questions.

Adoptive parent Sharon at What Else Do We Need? writes about the importance of finding a kindred spirit in Dawn.

Adoptive parent Momosapien joins the (well-deserved) Dawn love train, noting how much she’s learned about creating space for conflicting emotions.