Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

The responses:

Ginger @ Shattered Glass (first mom) – “I will acknowledge that for several reasons, life hurts right now. And with that, I will remember to be gentle with myself. I will set and maintain the boundaries that I need to protect myself while at the same time not taking my feelings out on those who are innocent.”

Debbie @ Always and Forever (adoptive mom) – Five goals ranging from the practical (creating a travel fund for visits) to the deeply personal.

Paragraphein @ Paragraphein (first mom) – “The simple answer is that I have zero resolutions. Eight and a half years into this, I am finally beginning to get it through my thick skull that open adoption is not a project to be managed… So I guess, if I have a resolution, it’s this: to live in the moment. I will not vow to be proactive, nor to be inactive. I will simply vow to do my best to weigh multiple needs at any single point in time.”

Dawn @ This Woman’s Work (adoptive mom) – Dawn and Jenna take on a tiny (ha) project for 2010: writing Yours, Mine and Ours: How Openness is Changing Adoption in America about the realities of openness in foster-to-adopt, domestic infant adoption and international adoption.

Shelly @ She’s everything that you’ve been hoping for… (first mom) – “I will do my best to be open and honest about my experiences as a birthmother. I’ve said it before and I will say it again – I’m not ashamed, it’s not a secret, I am proud of him!”

Susiebook @ Endure for a Night (first mom) – “I will make very sure that I am not looking at futurekid as a replacement for my lost son—the one who isn’t Cricket, but who Cricket would have been.”

A @ A+A Adopt a Baby (adoptive mom) – Four resolutions for a semi-open adoption, from practicing her daughter’s adoption story to exploring what openness can mean as a family identity.

Andy @ Today’s the Day! (adoptive mom, adoptee)- Two very different approaches to the two different adoptions in her life.

Heather Rainbow @ It’s Always in the Undercurrents (first mom) - ”I have been attempting to re-open my adoption, though I seem to have hit another brick wall. I think I am trying to do the literal impossible. My next idea, is to put my views out there about how open adoption can be fair, and how it isn’t.”

Spyderkl @ Evil Mommy (adoptive mom) – “I need to learn to let go. Just let go of the expectations that I had at the beginning. We can be a happy family with whoever wants to join us. I can’t control who decides to be a part of this and who doesn’t. I can’t, and I shouldn’t. All I can do is to keep the relationships that we have going, and keep the door open for whoever else can bring themselves to walk through.”

Thanksgivingmom @ I Should Really Be Working (first mom) – “I’m going to really, really, really try to not be ‘fine’ – well, to not accept being ‘fine’ when I’m really not.”

Rredhead @ Adoption.com Domestic Infant Adoption Blog (adoptive mom) – “I am also trying to get out of the realm of my experience, and learn more about the experiences of others…. I’m finding that some things I’ve thought were the way they were are really just that way because I think they are.”

KatjaMichelle @ Therapy Is Expensive (first mom) - “So this year I’m going to not only buy cards I’m going to SEND them.”

Lavender Luz @ Open Adoption Examiner (adoptive mom) - ”Re-evaluate…Reach out…Find community…Broaden your horizons.”

Shannan @ Joe and Sha Blog (adoptive mom) - ”The best thing for me and my children this year is for me to be more open about our adoption in general, yet be less open about my children and their birthmoms’ personal stories.”

Jenna @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land (first mom) – “I don’t imagine that I’ll make the entire world realize that open adoption a) isn’t bad, b) isn’t great, c) needs reform, just by doing these things [to promote broader awareness and acceptance] this year… But I’ll keep on doing what I do because I can’t imagine not doing what I do.”

Jenni @ Confessions of a Mean Girl Turned Mommy (first mom) – “I will be proactive about open adoption by telling people the truth about open adoption: it is hard and sometimes it really hurts, but it can also be achingly beautiful;” and a commitment to become a doula who provides a safe postpartum space for placing moms.

Lavonne @ Eyes Wide Open (adoptive mom) is working toward direct communication with her daughter’s first mom by eliminating their agency and its many restrictions.

Cynthia @ The Night Kitchen (adoptive mom) sets her mind to “exploring new ways to have an “open” adoption, even in the absence of contact” while committing “to not fall into apathy about the future, based on what exists in the present.”

Sharon @ What Else Do We Need? (adoptive mom) shares the story of moving an adoption from closed to semi-open – “And I will hope that someday there are no At leasts left. That someday, when Matthew has a question about J., he can ask her. That someday, instead of showing him photos of J., he will know her.”

Barely Sane @ You Never Get Over It (first mom) takes a risk for the openness she wants: “I am going to take that first step in reaching out to my son’s parents.”

Leigh @ Sturdy Yet Fragile (first mom) hopes this is the year her daughter’s adoption moves from semi-open to open: “Basically, if given the opportunity, my resolution for 2010 would be to gain the trust of her family as a person who is stable, loving and very serious about making a lifelong commitment to be there in her life.”

SocialWrkr24/7 @ Eyes Opened Wider (social worker) plans to continue her advocacy for openness among “those who are entering into the world of adoption – biological families, adoptive families, and most importantly the children.”

SJ @ From the Mind of a Bmom (first mom) decides to take the initiative with her son and his adoptive mom, in hopes of making a happy relationship even better.

Heather @ Production, Not Reproduction (adoptive mom) takes a break from analyzing relationships.

Write about open adoption and the holiday season.

The responses:

Adoptive mother Spyderkl at Evil Mommy contrasts an awkward first Christmas with her daughter and their extended families with a warm celebration with her daughter’s grandparents by birth.

Adoptive mother Jess at The Problem With Hope says that adding another family to the holiday mix creates some extra busy-ness, but also a lot of extra fun.

Adoptive mother Mama2Roo at Letters to a Birthmother says that the ritual of gift giving reflects the way open adoption enables her son’s first family to be a real presence in his life.

First mother Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land shares how the holidays and and her daughter’s birthday are forever intertwined, raising a swirl of emotions each December.

On the first anniversary of surrendering her son, first mother Susiebook at Endure for a Night reflects on how difficult the holiday seasons have been in an otherwise positive open adoption.

First mother Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working says adoption adds layers complexity and confusion to the holiday season.

Adoptive mother Andy from Today’s the Day! tells the story of her son picking out gifts for siblings who don’t know he exists.

Adoptive mother Robyn at the Adoption.com domestic adoption blog explores the tension in giving–or not giving–gifts when there are economic differences between adoptive and first families.

As she looks forward to a holiday visit with the teen she may adopt, Thorn at Mother Issues begins to think about how they can be working on openness with his family even now.

First mother Leah at O Momma Writes celebrates the holiday traditions she’s created with her daughter’s adoptive family over the last five years.

Adoptive mother Kris at My First Gray Hair considers the the possible meanings in the shifting contact with her daughter’s first mom.

First mother KatjaMichelle at Therapy Is Expensive imagines her son’s Christmas with his adoptive family, while aching over his missing spot in her own family’s traditions.

First mother Jenni at Confessions of a Mean Girl Turned Mommy faces her first Christmas in an open adoption, writing that it is like “dancing on a tightrope.”

First mother Valerie at From Another Mother wonders how to pick the perfect presents for her son and his adoptive parents.

This is a topic that is very timely for me (Thanksgivingmom) right now, but is something that all of us in open adoption deal with at least once during the year: birthdays.

I know that birthdays can be an extremely emotional time, for everyone connected to adoption, not just those of us in open adoptions. So what is it that we do, as part of our open adoptions, during the “birthday season”?

Our experiences on this are so diverse, that I don’t want to limit your responses to one specific question. BUT, since some of us (like me!) sometimes like the specific questions, here are a few that have been rattling around in my brain as my daughter’s third birthday approaches:

• What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?
• What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?
• Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
• How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?
• If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?
• If you’re an adoptee, how were birthdays celebrated in your family with regards to open adoption?
• How do you wish they would have been celebrated?
• And anything else you can think of!

The responses:
Barely Sane (adoptive Mom) @ Infertility Licks writes: “Again, MG is too young to really “get it” just yet but as time goes on, the timing of these gifts will not go unnoticed and I think it will be significant for MG to know she isn’t forgotten on that day.”

Susie (first Mom) @ Endure for a Night writes: (on attending her placed son’s birthday party) “If we can’t make it, I would like to call. Of course, that’s not exactly right; in some ways, I want to not call or go or have any kind of contact. I want to grieve and mope and feel sorry for myself. But since I keep reminding myself that this is a child-centered open adoption, I want to want to do the right thing by Cricket.”

Jess (adoptive Mom) @ The Problem with Hope writes: “Birthdays are an extremely special and sentimental thing around here….and I don’t think that I’d ever want to “separate” her birthday from her birth family (as if that’s even possible!!).”

Debbie (adoptive Mom) @ Always and Forever Family writes: (on birthday/holiday visits as part of an open adoption agreement) “Given that M is the quiet type I’m glad we have that established so that we don’t have to wonder about a visit around those times. Sure schedules and distance might be an issue but I know we’ll always try to visit around Isabel’s birthday and Christmas.”

Robyn C (adoptive Mom) @ Adoption Blogs writes: “I always think of S as Jack’s birthday grows near. Every year, I remember how we wouldn’t have Jack if it weren’t for S. We wouldn’t be a family without her. I think about what Jack’s life or our lives might be like and shudder.”

You Never “Get Over It” (first Mom) writes: “I have often toyed with the idea of having some kind of ritual for his birthday (preferably one that requires me to stay home and NOT go to work), but I just don’t know WHAT. Nothing really brings me any peace about him being gone. I have yet to find any ritual, any ANTHING that makes my soul less raw, my emotions less fragile on his birthday.”

Dawn (adoptive Mom) @ This Woman’s Work writes: “To me, Madison’s birthdays are very symbolic of the progression of our open adoption. Caution at the beginning. Trying to figure out boundaries. Pennie’s tentative attempts to create her own celebrations. Then finally a merging of our friends/families and public recognition of Pennie’s presence in our family and her relationship to Madison.”

Leigh (first Mom) @ Sturdy Yet Fragile writes: “Her birthday, and the fall season/Thanksgiving bring on mixed emotions for me. In many ways I can get upset if I let myself think too much about our couple short days together and the horrible moment when I had to physically hand her over. But for the last few years, I also looked forward to her birthday, as it meant I would soon be receiving an update and some pictures.”

Ginger (first Mom) @ Puzzle Pieces: Adoption writes: “The years I haven’t…it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that their birthdays are hard for me. It’s that picking out a birthday card that’s suitably neutral and inoffensive is emotionally exhausting for me. It’s not simple. Nothing is simple.”

Jenna (first Mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkinland writes: “Birthdays are probably the hardest day of my yearly adoption journey. And yet, at the same time, I welcome them for they mean that my beautiful daughter is another year older. It means that I’ve spent another year getting to know her in various ways. It means that I get to celebrate her presence in my life. I can ignore the general melancholy of the day for the most part if I know that my daughter has remained in my life for yet another year.

Family of Three (adoptive Mom) writes: “Actions speak louder than words, and the fact that FirstMom is setting aside her current challenges to make the effort to be here for Sassy will ring much more clearly than my reminders someday to Sassy that FirstMom does love and care about her.”

This round we’re going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard–or perhaps even made–statements like these?

“We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”

“The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”

“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families–or not–on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn’t make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

The responses:

Susiebook (first mom) at Endure for a Night: “Your child can’t create familial relationships on his or her own—by leaving it up to the adoptee, you make a relationship impossible at first and then merely difficult, handicapped by the years spent in the dark.”

Ginger (first mom) at Puzzle Pieces: “I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like,’We can’t decide if openness is good or bad so we just won’t decide now. Instead, we’ll push these adult decisions off on a child.’”

Elly (adoptive mom): “I get the feeling that too many a-parents who are fixed on a closed or semi-open adoption are doing it because they aren’t comfortable with the child’s birthfamily. But his (our son’s) birthfamily is his family. I don’t want him to be afraid to be curious, or interested. Or surprised. Or try to figure out himself how to ‘make contact’.”

KatjaMichelle (first mom) at Therapy Is Expensive: “All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well. If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended family connects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are.”

Leigh (first mom) at Sturdy Yet Fragile: “My initial reaction is that I can’t disagree entirely with these statements. I think that they represent a fair argument, which is to say that a child may not be mature enough to fully comprehend such complicated relationships as are present in open adoptions. However, from what I’ve read from several families participating in fully open adoptions, there seems to be an organic level of understanding, and of love, that takes place for the child, even if he or she does not have the adult words or labels to explain those relationships.“

Rachel (adoptive mom) at Henry Street: “I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period.”

Dawn (adoptive mom) at This Woman’s Work: “Well, obviously I disagree. And these kinds of arguments drive me crazy.”

Valerie (first mom) at From Another Mother: “At first, I’m not really going to have a choice whether [a hypothetical aunt is] in my life–and I’m probably not going to care. However, it’s still my choice whether to have a relationship with her. I still get to decide–whether consciously or un–whether I like her or not. My parents may dictate how often I see her as I grow up, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out of my way to talk to her or bond with her. It’s my choice. And as I get older, the choice becomes more and more my own.”

Barely Sane (adoptive mom) at Infertility Licks: “Bonds are formed over time. It will take time for MG’s birth family and myself to form a relationship that all parties are comfortable with. We need that time now, while MG is still too young to recognize the awkwardness of it.”

Luna (adoptive mom) at Life From Here: “To those who say that contact would be confusing for the child, I fail to see how spending time among family would be any more confusing than trying to understand later why your parents never made that option available, if it was possible.”

Shmode (adoptive mom) at Frogged Mind: “I do not look down upon those that have decided against open adoption as it is more than just the best interest of the child at stake. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree, but the adoption itself isn’t solely a single individual’s life experience. There are a mass of people surrounding the child that are affected on a daily basis by his or her presence, so you cannot tell me that a serious decision like this should only consider the needs of the child and the child alone and ignore the persons that will surround him in his daily life for years to come.”

Lavender Luz (adoptive mom) at Weebles Wobblog: “We do better to normalize our children’s adoption from as early as possible. Our children come to us living in a gap between their biology and their biography. The sooner this schism is addressed and the less spread open the cleft is, the more likely it is to heal well and completely. Integration of the two parts of an adopted child’s identity should, in my mind, be the responsibility of the decision-makers (parents) from Day 1 with their new child.”

Andy (adoptee/adoptive mom) at Today’s the Day!: “Mine was a closed adoption, so this is mostly theoretical. But I would have been PISSED if I had found out as an adult that my parents had either known my first family, knew how to contact them or kept them from me in any way.”

Sustainable Families (adoptee): “Taking a quick glance over at open adoption research over at the Adoption Institute, we find that their conclusion seems to be that semi-open adoption is in fact, the hardest. Going on adecdotal evidence, I would agree. Semi-open adoptions and open adoptions with limited contact are, I believe, harder for children and biological parents”

Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption, and how.

The responses:

Adoptive mom Jenn Mc says Thanksgivingmom made her more aware of her own actions toward her child’s birth mom.

Prospective adoptive parent Prabha at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream tells how stumbling onto Clio in an internet search completely changed her mind about open adoption.

Prospective adoptive parent Thorn at Mother Issues describes how an encounter with Dawn’s family changed her partner’s view of her decades-old adoption.

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how her friendship with Barb of Cigarettes and Coffee helped her keep the door open, even when it seemed like no one walked through it.

Adoptive mom Cynthia at In the Night Kitchen recalls turning to the internet to help her get over her fears–and finding This Woman’s Work.

Adoptive mom Rredhead at the Adoption.com Open Adoption Blog rounds up her favorite first mom and adoptive mom blogs, plus two group blogs.

First mom Ginger of Puzzle Pieces finds parallels between her oldest daughter and Madison, insight into the adoption process at Hoping for Another Little One and Parenthood Path, and an example of the sort of cooperation open adoption requires at The Great Surro Adventure.

First mom Amstel of Amstel Life shares some of her favorite positive adoption blogs, while noting that it’s the writers opposed to adoption who have forced her to really come to terms with the “what ifs.”

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile tells how blogs like Weebles Wobblog and Parenthood Path allowed her to see adoptive parents as people and take a chance with her daughter’s adoptive parents.

First mom Thanksgivingmom of I Should Really Be Working shares how the words and support of Coco at Mommyhood and Life help her make sense of her own situation.

Adoptive mom and adopted adult Andy at Today’s the Day! says writers like M de P, Thanksgivingmom, Jenna and Dawn have helped her cope with the limbo of her family’s lopsided adoptions.

First mom and adopted adult Valerie of From Another Mother is inspired by the advocacy of The R House.

Adoptive mom Barely Sane at Infertility Licks says the blogs of first moms like Brown, Thanksgivingmom and Valerie showed her new, practical ways to communicate with her daughter’s first family.

Prospective adoptive parent Amy of  Beanie Baby Blog says blogs like Heart Cries, Infertility Licks and Amstel Life have her rethinking their thus far conservative approach to open adoption..

First mom Susiebook at Endure for a Night appreciates the insight This Woman’s Work gives her into adoptive parents, credits I Should Really Be Working with grounding her in the midst of her grief, and sees herself in The Happiest Sad.

Prospective adoptive parent Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One appreciates Ginger’s honest appraisals of her very different open adoptions, Heather’s stories of thinking through adoption in our home, and being able to share in the growth of Luna’s open adoption relationship from its beginnings.

Adoptive mom Lassie at Eggs Benedict Arnold shares how vital it has been for her to face up to the hard truths found in Not Mother.

Adopted adult Anonadoptee at The Adopted Feminist envisions being one of the first to have grown up in an open adoption to use her experience to support others–and generously opens herself up to questions.

Adoptive parent Sharon at What Else Do We Need? writes about the importance of finding a kindred spirit in Dawn.

Adoptive parent Momosapien joins the (well-deserved) Dawn love train, noting how much she’s learned about creating space for conflicting emotions.

Where do you draw the lines–on your blog and in your personal life–and why? What, if anything, don’t you tell?

The responses:

First mom Ginger at Puzzle Pieces: “I write knowing that the world could be reading.”

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: “The only thing I care about is that nothing happens to my family because of what I’ve written. It’s so much more difficult in an open adoption, when there are other people not actually living with you who are directly affected by what you might say. It’s caused me to want to stop blogging altogether several times.”

First mom SJ at From the Mind of a Bmom: “Part of how I cope is letting my moments of grief and times of joy be useful or encouraging to others. If I change the life of only one person by writing about my experiences then this is worth it (I know that is cliche!).”

First mom Valerie at From Another Mother: “I guess that’s the measure I hold to, then–the adoptive mother’s level of comfort. Because she is his mother, I think she has the right to decide (even implicitly) what level of privacy we’ll all hold to.”

First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: “At the risk of rambling, I wonder if we – on both ‘parental’ sides of the triad – relinquish some right to ‘possess’ our stories…”

First mom susie_book at Endure for a Night: “My adult compromise is to say everything–but not to everyone. My blog is a place for me to say everything without hurting anyone, which seems to me like the best of all possible worlds.”

Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing: “My blog started out as an extension of my journal that I have kept since I was 12.”

Adoptive mom Barely Sane at Infertility Licks: “I don’t think it’s right that folks out in cyberspace get to know all about my life and those that really should be privy to the information are left out.”

Prospective adoptive parent A at A+A Adopt a Baby: “…I don’t feel the need to be anonymous on the Internet. I find writing here to be an interesting personal discipline and a helpful place to express myself, developing a public life that is authentic, open, and honest without sharing what is actually private.”

Prospective adoptive parent Prabha at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream: “To me, the web is unlike the real world. We have to be careful about the footprints we leave for they can live on in perpetuity.”

Adoptive mom Shmode at Random Musings of a Frogged Mind: “I can’t.  I can’t seriously post a single thing about her, or our, situation that would in any way harm her.”

Adoptive mom Luna at Life From Here: “I feel the need to be authentic in telling my own story, but this must be balanced with the need to protect my family, including Baby J and her family of origin.”

Adoptive mom Lavonne at Eyes Wide Open: “To keep everything to ourselves creates more suspicion and mystery about adoption than needed. And as it is, there are already too many adoption related myths that we need to work to debunk.”

Adoptive mom Heather at Production, Not Reproduction: “Even though I hide my blog away, I’ve always written with the assumption that everyone I know will one day read it.”

Prospective adoptive parent Linda at Karlinda: “If we continue to write any form of ‘open’ open adoption blog, you may well find you don’t recognise us.”

Prospective adoptive parent Thorn at Mother Issues: “So am I blogging from the closet? Are we out here? I guess my answer would be that we’re out as much as we need to be. “

Naming in open adoption

The responses:

First mom Ginger at Puzzle Pieces: “I was terrified that insisting on the naming issue, or even giving my opinion on the naming issue would chase away the parents I wanted…and so with much regret, I gave that up.”

Adoptive mom Debbie B at Always and Forever Family: “I still get a bit teary eyed when I think about our daughter having both her mother’s middle names. I hope that it will feel like a bond to both of us one day for Isabel.”

Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes by Hearing: “Richard and I had chosen a boy’s name long before Samuel was ever even thought of.”

Adoptive mom M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamá: “I think back now and part of me wonders whether or not there should be more counseling around naming – for both adoptive parents and first parents….It’s not that I feel she may have felt pressure give us that option, but I just wonder if she had had more time to think about it, talk to someone about it, would she have preferred something else??”

First mom KatjaMichelle at Therapy is Expensive: “Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name. Maybe he will confirm that it was selfish on my part to name him. Maybe he’ll enjoy that for a few days he shared a name with this first father and grandfather. I didn’t know the right thing then, and I don’t know it now.”

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: “When I told my sister about School Girl’s original name, her reaction was, ‘My God! You don’t even get to give her a name?’ I’m guessing that would have been mild in comparison to the reaction of…others.”

Adoptive mom Dawn of This Woman’s Work at Anti-Racist Parent: “I wanted our daughter to know that we welcomed her, the child she was before she met us. Changing her name seemed like a symbol of wanting to change her.” (The comments to that post are worth a read, too.)

First mom SJ at From the Mind of a Bmom: “I didn’t want to become attached even more to my child by giving him a name and I justified that stance by saying it wasn’t my child anyway. Now I look back and wish that I had taken a little more interest in the subject so one day I can tell Cory that I participated in giving him his name.”

Prospective adoptive parent A at A+A Adopt a Baby: “Our child’s first mother may want to give her baby something that will stay with him or her forever, like a name.”

Adoptive mom Karen at Clio: “There is really only one thing I can think of to write about this topic: we ran our name ideas by both couples and seriously considered their input.”

Adoptive mom CubanaYogini: “Even though I encouraged D to choose her own name, I have to confess that at the time, I was grateful that she declined.”

First mom Britney at Beauty For Ashes: “Since it would be an open adoption, I started introducing him as C right after birth… at least publicly. In our quiet moments alone, he was Michael.”

Adoptive mom Lavender Luz at Drama 2B Mama: “‘How would you feel,’ Rob tip-toed, ‘if we chose another name? Would you like us to keep “David” in some way?’”

Adoptive mom Chantel: “[I] wanted him 1) to have the name his first mommy chose with love and 2) to be able to go by it any time his chooses as he grows up.”

Adoptive mom Luna at Life From Here: “One thing was clear. We would not discuss names with anyone but K. No one.”

Adoptive mom Meg at Momosapien: “With the reading, learning and understanding we have now, almost 3 years after adopting our daughter, I think we would have made a different choice about naming. I think we would have kept her first name as LaTasha, setting aside our ideas about gender in favor of her first mom’s ideas about race.”

Adoptive mom Okiemunchkinsmom at But, Aren’t You Afraid?: “[B]ecause we had witnessed how much a child in foster care looses we knew that their name is sometimes all they have when they move to a new home, and often the only thing they have left from their first mom/parents. Sometimes it’s the only thing that stays constant in their lives as they move around. We couldn’t take that away…it wasn’t ours to take.”

Adoptee and adoptive mom Andy at Today’s the Day!: “The one thread of information that I had growing up in my own closed adoption was my pre-adoption name. Colleen. It has always been important to me, a small connection to who I may have been.”

Adoptee and first mom Valerie at From Another Mother: “Looking back, I certainly wouldn’t change his name just to suit what I liked and preferred at the time. I think they did try to include us–but in the end, he is their son, and it was their decision to make.” Read also her thoughts on the name her own birth parents gave to her.

Prospective adoptive parent DrSpouse at What Am I?: “I’m not comfortable with the ‘did you give the birth family a say’ question – perhaps it would be more honest to say to a child when they are older ‘your name before was X and your name now is Y’; acknowledging that the birth family did name them (if they did).”

First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: “Looking back on this moment, I will be shocked, saddened, and annoyed that I wasn’t even strong enough to ask what my daughter had been named. That I just called her, ‘the baby.’”

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile: “I am not sure if, had I elected a fully open adoption, things would have been different, but participating in the selection of naming my daughter wasn’t offered to me. This doesn’t really bother me, even now, many years later.”

Prospective adoptive parent Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One: “A lot of my coworkers and friends have said, ‘Well, it will be your child, you should get to name them.’ For us, it’s just not that simple.”

Adoptive mom Snickie at The Tales of Snickie, Honey, Bear and Puddles: “We really did not have a name chosen at all, until two weeks after the ultrasound we received a frantic phone call. The birth mother had gone into premature labor, they needed to do an emergency cesarean but she was refusing to let them take the baby because she didn’t have a name.”

Prospective adoptive parent Karlinda: “I can’t imagine the two of us, plus the expectant mother, and possible the expectant father, being able to agree on a first name before the nine months are up! They have to have some input into the name though. If this child is to belong to all of us, then their name needs to come from all of us.”

Adoptive mom Jess at The Problem With Hope: “In a long line of compromises and having things be hard building a family, our daughter’s name was easy and magical.”

Prospective adoptive parent Bon at I Can Haz Bebe?: “Since I am not pregnant, and we are adopting, this is one of those things I’ve had to give up and let go of.”

Adoptive mom Cynthia at In the Night Kitchen: “I love too that we got away with this hippie name–we might have caught some slack if we came up with it on our own, but who’s going to front us on that now? Just try, people.”

Adoptive mom Camille at Adventures in Mommyland: “I know in the online adoption world it is not PC to say that anything about adoption was ‘meant to be’. But even when D and I talked about it later we talked about how we felt this charge and sense of… I don’t know.”

First mom Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom: “She would never know who Ann Jones was, none of us would, since it was the path not taken. Almost like she would have two separate identities in two separate families. The significance of that was not lost on me.”

Adoptive mom Robyn at the Adoption.com open adoption blog: “I’ve known since I was 8 that I’d be having a baby girl named Cassandra one day. If my potential daughter’s potential birthmother hated the name Cassandra, would I change it? No.”

Adoptive mom Tammy at You Just Never Know Where Hope Might Take Ya: “We chose to name our kiddos with three names, one for each of their families… first, Hubby’s, mine.”

Adoptive mom Heather at Production, Not Reproduction: “It never felt like she was trying to take something away from us. It felt like she was asking for something on behalf of Firefly. For continuity, for wholeness in her child’s name. Recognition that this baby would be coming to us with an identity already in place.”

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

The responses:

Jess of The Problem With Hope shares how open adoption taught her kindness, compassion and acceptance.

Ginger at Puzzle Pieces says adoption changed not only how she interacted with other adults, but also with the daughter she was parenting.

Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how open adoption upended the meaning of “our daughter”–for the better.

Valerie of From Another Mother tells how openness–in her own adoption and in her son’s–blurred the lines of “family” and let her pour out her love.

Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working talks honestly about the insecurity and worry that have accompanied open adoption for her.

Luna at life from here tells how openness has made her more honest, present and empowered as an adoptive mother.

KatjaMichelle of Therapy is Expensive shares how her experience placing her son forever changed the way she approaches decisions.

Karlinda realizes that open adoption is teaching her to let go, even as they are waiting to adopt.

Rredhead at the Adoption.com domestic infant adoption blog tells how she’s become more aware of the perspectives of different birth families and adoptees.

Cindy.psbm says adoption may not have changed her at all.

M de P of Reservado Para Futura Mamá shares how open adoption put to the test who she thought herself to be.

Andi of The Many Faces of KJ says open adoption made her see how interconnected we are in this life.

Lavender Luz at Weebles Wobblog shares how open adoption forced her to think with her heart and not just her head

Jenna of The Chronicles of Munchkin Land says the process of making open adoption work has brought changes both good and bad: more compassion, but less trust.

Write about a small moment that open adoption made possible.

The responses:

SocialWkr24/7 at Eyes Open Wider writes about being the intermediary when mother and her two children regain a small measure of healing contact after a decade apart.

Ginger at Puzzle Pieces recalls a long-ago Halloween moment between two daughters–one placed, one parented–and their question that still weighs on her.

Debbie B at Always and Forever Family tells how ultimate trust has come full circle between them and their daughter’s first mother.

Luna at life from here writes about the power of being present at her adopted daughter’s birth.

Britney at Beauty for Ashes reflects on a recent moment of shared intimacy with her son’s adoptive grandmother.

Snickie at The Tales of Snickie, Honey, Bear and Puddles remembers the moment her adopted daughter caught the first glimpse of her baby sister’s face.

Hope548 at Not Like I Thought It Would Be witnesses the contentedness of a grandmother watching her daughter interact with her placed son.

A at A+A Adopt a Baby realizes the trust of open adoption begins even before placement, in the process of choosing an adoptive family.

Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile shares a touching example of her organic connection to her placed daughter, despite their limited contact.

Jess at The Problem With Hope celebrates how open adoption lets her adopted daughter bond with both of her brothers, the one she lives with and the one she doesn’t.

Cindy.psbm remembers receiving an image that guided her, for better and for worse, throughout the decision to place her son.

Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing shares how significant it was to be present at her adopted son’s birth.

Dawn at This Woman’s Work shares how even a simple expression of love for a soon-to-be-born baby brother can be fraught with conflicting emotion in adoption.

Sally at The Adoptive Parent realizes how significant it could be to watch her son’s birth mother interact with him.

SJ at From the Mind of a Bmom shares how a poignant moment rocking her son to sleep captures both the joy and sadness of open adoption.

Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom tells the story behind the first picture her daughter ever saw of her– and the picture Brown saw that underscored how much they have in common.

Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how the dreaded family tree assignment became an affirmation of open adoption bonds.

Jamie at On Wings of Hope learns how meaningful the ongoing flow of information can be in open adoption.

Heather at Production, Not Reproduction remembers the joy of witnessing my daughter’s first mom introduce her little girls to the people most important to her.

Andy at Today’s the Day shares that something as basic as pictures of his first family has transformed her son’s experience of growing up adopted.

M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamá recalls how meeting her daughter’s first mom opened her up to a flood of compassion.

Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working can embrace the bragging rights that come along with motherhood.

Deb at Waiting on Life remembers the grace of her daughter’s first mom as she took her to to meet her baby for the first time.

KatjaMichelle at Therapy Is Expensive offers four moments of acceptance, inclusion and affirmation–all of which would be impossible in a closed adoption.

Barely Sane at Infertility Licks is able to share in the pride of a member of her daughter’s first family she’s never even met.

Lavender Luz at Weebles Wobblog describes the first moments of two families’ bonds with their newest family member.

Family of Three at The Mommy Journals shares how the simple act of rocking a baby to sleep brought out the tender concern of two mothers for each other.

Sue at Twice Blessed remembers an unforgettable hug with her child’s first mom.

Jenni at Confessions of Mean Girl Turned Mommy shares how the a shared moment at a midwife’s office gave her a glimpse into the future adoptive mom’s heart.

Kristin at Parenthood Path describes how the ups and down moments in open adoption start long before any adoption takes place.

Mama2Roo at Letters to a Birthmother shares how her son seamlessly (and humorlously) weaves his biological sisters into his everday life.

Rebecca at Chasing a Child has a story about open adoption and boogers. Yes, boogers.

Your turn!

Share your wish list for your open adoption(s).

The responses:

Adoptive mom Familyofthree at The Mommy Journals: “So, even if our adoption never achieves the new heights of openness that I myself would desire, I wouldn’t change it, as long as my sweet girl can understand why she was placed, who she was meant to be in life, and how much she is loved by all who are blessed to call her part of their family.”

Ginger, first mom in three open adoptions, at Puzzle Pieces: “I don’t need you to send me 3 page long emails daily. I do need you to reassure me on a regular basis that you still want contact, even if you don’t feel like writing more than one line. Something. Please understand that when you get too busy to turn on your computer and send an email, I think you’re gone.” A brutally honest post, and a must read for any adoptive or pre-adoptive parent.

Adoptive mom M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamà: “I wish for the strength that I will need to deal with the really tough parts of our open adoption with little A – and I hope that we are able to process those together in the best way that we can.”

Tammy, adoptive mom of two, at You Just never Know Where Hope might Take Ya: “I don’t live with expectations of [my kids' other families] anymore…I will, however, live with expectancy.”

Adoptive mom Jess at The Problem With Hope: “For our families and friends to care about more than JUST Ava….to have real interest in her bio family and not have to have who’s-who explained every time we mention a bio sibling or parent…because their caring and knowing shows they care and know ABOUT HER.”

First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: “I feel like there is no word for the relationship I want us to have. I won’t be her Mom but I don’t think “friend” is right either. I’m not an aunt or a family friend. Without the language I’m not sure how to describe the relationship. I’m her firstmom. I’ll be there for her and support her and love her. Like a firstmom.”

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: “I wish that School Girl will feel the same way about our conjoined families in the future the way she does now. When we were working on the ‘family tree’ assignment at school, she talked about the different parts of our family. ‘There’s your side, Mommy, and there’s Daddy’s side, and there’s my side.’ But they’re all together, all joined and muddled up.”

First mom Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: “I also hope that my speaking out on the need for adoption reforms and the unnecessary separation of various families will eventually reach a bigger audience but I think living our family life as we do might speak louder than I ever would be able to. And I’m loud.”

Adoptive mom Andy at Today’s the Day!: “I wish that we had at least one picture of Liam with his Mother. I wish that “K” knows how important she is to us… I wish it wasn’t all so hard.”

Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing: “I know a big step, for most women, is getting past the point that they need to have a ‘biological’ child. I was there too, but I wish I hadn’t waited so long in choosing this direction. I wish more people would choose adoption.”

Adoptive mom Dawn at This Woman’s Work: “So my wish list today is that the people who I love so much (Pennie and Madison) would have the strength to accept each other’s limits even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful. And that they would give each other — and themselves — the space and time they need and that they would trust in their love for each other even when things are hard.”

Jenni, an expectant mother planning to place her daughter in an open adoption, at Confessions of a Mean Girl Turned Mommy: “What I do know is that I don’t want to be put on the back burner after Baby K is born. I don’t need to be the center of attention, but I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to know that I’m still important and valued and a PERSON. A person who did something that I’ve finally realized is going to be incredibly difficult, regardless of how much sense my choice makes in my head.”

Jane, both a first mom and an adoptee in an open adoption, at Jane’s Calamity: “I hope she doesn’t harbor anger towards me like I do my own first mother because I’m not there for her. I want to be there for her. I would give my life to be there for her.”

Adoptive mom Jessica at Anderson Happenings: “That Colt will always think of us as his parents. It’s that selfish feeling that comes up for all adoptive parents. I want him to have a relationship with N, I want him to love and respect her and honor her. But at the end of the day I wish and hope that when he sees me he always sees me as Mommy.”

Adoptive mom Sammy at The Apple of My Eye: “That K [birth mum] would know she is loved by me for who she is not the gift she has given me.”

Adoptive mom Teendoc at Welcome to the Dollhouse: “So my wishlist for our open adoption has mostly been achieved. I just hope that one day Jeremy will re-connect and fill that missing piece. If he does not, I pray that my Z will have the strength and foundation of love to accept this loss.”

Kristin, who is waiting to adopt, at Parenthood Path: “As part of our homestudy, M. and I had to reflect a bit on our ideal open adoption situation. After some reading and talking, M. shared something that I think is so wise. He said that he’s come to believe that what’s needed for a good open adoption is what’s needed for all good, long lasting relationships.”

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile: “I am nervous, but as soon as we speak, I feel the anxiety start to wash away. We have an easy camaraderie that just clicks, as though we’ve known each other forever. She tells me that she thinks of me often, and that she wants to know everything about me.”

Adoptive mom Robyn at Adoption.com: “My number one wish, not just for our open adoption, but all open adoptions, is that all of the participants are healthy, happy, and secure, more often than not. Yeah, I know. I might as well ask for the moon.”

Adoptee Valerie at From Another Mother: “Questions, fears, doubts…there are certain concerns that will always exist within the mind of an adoptee, and those concerns can only be soothed by a birth parent. Responsibility for the child does not end at placement. It is ongoing, whether the adoption is open or not.”

Lori, adoptive mom to two, at Weebles Wobblog: “Seeing Tessa ceases to cause her birthfather, Joe to ache (hey, it IS a wishlist).”

Adoptive mom Karen at Clio: “I wish that both R and G will be able to sit next to J and I at Evie’s wedding some day.”

Adoptive mom Debbie at Always and Forever Family: “I wish…I could feel comfortable enough to just pick up the phone and call her for no reason other then to say hi.”

Jacksmom, who is waiting to adopt, at Hoping for Another Blessing: “I wish that when it comes time for the tough questions and parts of our adoption, that we have the strength and grace to deal with it. At the same time, I wish this for our child and their first family as well. I know this is asking a lot, but I hope that we can share our fears and wishes with our child’s first family, and that they can do the same with us. I think it will only strengthen our relationship if we know where the other is coming from. None of this adoption stuff is easy.”

Adoptive mom Ashley at More Than Dog Children: “My wish is that Declan will continue to have a relationship with his birth parents. We see them every few months now and I hope the contact doesn’t go away. I wish for him to feel close to and know the amazing people that C and T are.”

First mom Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom: “I want her to know how much she is loved and thought of. How much I would do anything for her, and to know that I want her first and foremost to be happy. I want her to know that I’m there for her whenever she’s ready.”

Adoptive mom Lassie at Eggs Benedict Arnold: “I wish the world would go away and stop judging my open adoption. FlyGuy and I are the captains of Little Lassie’s ship (for now) and we will always keep her in safe waters.”

Heather, adoptive mom of two, at Production, Not Reproduction: “For the adults, all six of us, I wish the courage to be honest with each other, our children, and ourselves. May we have the maturity and wisdom to set aside self-interest when we should.”

You are always welcome to leave a link to your own response in the comments of this post.