Open Adoption Support » advice

Will I get a call from a lawyer?

Admin Dawn — Wed, 26 May 2010 17:18:46 +0000

After 2+ years of fostering our neice(came to us at 3months due to bmother’s substance abuse problems, etc and now we’ve adopted her and she’s 3) The bmother settled on the day of her trial for an open adoption with us b/c her lawyer advised her heavily on doing so so she could at least see her daughter.(bmother never cooperated with DSS and couldn’t stay clean) So in the Open Adoption the bmother (who is my sil) is allowed 2 visits a year as long as she calls 2 weeks before visit and confirms visits the day before…Well for this visit(only her 2nd) she called to set up the visit but never called to confirm the day before….So I get a call on the day of the visit saying she’s at the meeting place…I told her she didn’t follow the agreement and I can’t make assumptions when I hadn’t heard from her…Well she was telling me how she has a call into her lawyer…..I’m pretty confident they’ll just tell her she has to follow the legal agreement and she didn’t…But is there any chance I will get a call from a lawyer??? I really don’t want to go to court for this but she was absolutely in the wrong. I have documented every phone call, conversation, letter over these passed 3 years and she consistently does the wrong thing…????? Any advice would be appreciated….I have gone above and beyond to help this woman and am keeping out side of the agreement 100%

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First Mom and child’s birthday

Admin Dawn — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:21:28 +0000

I was wondering what advice you all would give on how to handle my daughter’s first birthday. We will be inviting her first mom and many members of the first family. What I was wondering was how if at all we should make her first mom feel included in the party.

She’s a very shy young lady and I don’t want to embarass her but I would like to include her. My only thought is to have her help with the gift opening. Any other ideas? I’ll ask her as it gets closer (April) but I want to have some ideas to give her.

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We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter’s birth family. What do we do?

Admin Dawn — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:08:05 +0000

My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Advice to an expectant mom considering placement?

Admin Dawn — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:30:43 +0000

My 18 year old daughter is having a baby boy in December. She is thinking about letting her 27 year old sister adopt him. She worries that she will regret the adoption when the baby is born, but she wants to go to college and work. What help can you offer us? Books to read? People to talk to?
Thanks!

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Any advice on my daughter (15) meeting her birthmom for the first time?

Admin Dawn — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:13:25 +0000

They have had “my space” contact for about a year and a half – just letters and photos before that. Her birthmom has a strong desire to see her. My daughter was recently informed by her that her birth father had been the victum of a shooting in another state. Understandably my daughter now fears waiting to meet her birthmom and half sisters. At this point I plan on making the trip this weekend but would be grateful for any advice to prepare us all.
Your prayers are also gratefully accepted….

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How do I tell my daughter that our family friends are her birth family?

Admin Dawn — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 02:14:16 +0000

Our daughter turned 5 this past April and for the past two years, we have been meeting her biological father, sister and grandmother once a year at the zoo. The only contact we have with her birth mom is letters and pictures through the agency. Her sister is 8 and her family has told her all about her sister and that she was adopted. We are discussing about when the right time would be to tell her about her birth family. Right now she knows them as friends of the family. She is only 5 and we are not sure how much she would truly understand. She and her brother, who is 3, do know that they are adopted, but we haven’t explained details at this point. She has asked if she were in my tummy
and I explained to her that no she wasn’t, she was in someone else’s tummy. She did ask who the person was and I told her that I would have to find out. I didn’t think she was ready for all of those details at that point. She was fine with that answer and didn’t ask anymore questions.

Another question is that we do not have contact anymore with our son’s birth family. We did the first 1-1/2, however, nothing since. We send pictures and letters through the agency. We have the visual contact with our daughter’s birth family once a year, but none with our son. Any suggestions on how to explain the different situations. He is only 3 and would definitely not understand, we are just thinking ahead.

I would greatly appreciate any advice on what other families have done in this same situations.

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My son calls us both mommy. Am I doing right by him?

Admin Dawn — Mon, 26 May 2008 14:49:43 +0000

I am pretty stressed out right now. I am a foster-mom of a 2 year old boy and am in the process of adopting him. Uniquely, the birthmom (her rights were terminated by the county) and I have forged a good relationship and we plan on keeping the adoption open. I guess I thought this would be easy but now that I feel like he is “mine” it is so hard for me to hear him call her “Mommy” and cry when she leaves. He also calls me “Mommy” and cries when I leave. I am getting so confused about my own feelings and trying to separate those from what is best for my son and also taking into account the BMoms feelings and it is all becoming an emotional bowl of spaghetti. My friends and family are no help. They try but they just don’t get it. I am a single mom too, so I feel so confused about what is normal. I was committed to an open adoption and still am, I think. I just have a lot of concerns now that it has “started”.

If you don’t think I sound too crazy, can you offer advice? Is it healthy for my son to call us both “Mommy”? How can I possibly tell the woman who gave birth to him that she can’t be called Mommy? I worry about the effect of the monthly visits on my son. He cries at the end of every one. I feel like he thinks his BMom is abandoning him every month! My friends say he is too young to be upset by that and that I am projecting my feelings onto him. I don’t know.

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What if my child was conceived by rape?

Admin Dawn — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 19:33:42 +0000

I’m wondering if anyone has any advice. I am adopting a child who was conceived by rape. I don’t want to share this information with extended family. I’m also worried about how and when I will tell my child. Any advice?

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How can we get our son’s birthfather to accept the adoption?

Admin Dawn — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 14:42:09 +0000

When having a conversation with our 7 year old son, his birthfather refers to us as “Lisa” and “John”, not as “your mom” or “your dad” or “your parents”. For example, he will say, “Did Lisa and John take you to the zoo?” or “Do Lisa and John let you eat candy”.

We have had talks to him about this, but he continues to do it. He says it was not his choice that his son be adopted, but he was notified of the birth mother’s pregnancy and intention not to parent and was served with termination papers and he just didn’t show up. He didn’t visit the birth mother at all during her pregnancy, nor did he show up for the hearing. Our son did not see him for the first time until he was almost three and that is because we took him out of town for the visit (all the adoption coounselors kept telling us how important it would be for our son to know his birthfather, so we sought him out).

Since then the birthfather acts entitled to his role as our sons father or parent. Our son knows that he is his birthfather, but it seems like his birthfather wants our son to see him as a parent or as his “father” in the same way he sees my husband. I don’t think he ever wanted to raise him with the birthmother or to be a single parent, but I think he wishes that the birthmother had parented him as a single parent without financial help so that he could “claim” him and be the only seen as the “father”.

We think that if he keeps doing these things, he only cause confusion for our son and we are thinking of cutting off contact. Any advice would be appreciated.

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How do we write a pro-openness adoption profile?

Admin Dawn — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 21:20:31 +0000

I’d be interested in seeing more information for potential adoptive parents in the process of writing their profiles/”Dear Expectant Parent” letters. My spouse and I are working on our profile right now and looking for advice on how to convey our desire for openness. Our (very pro-open adoption) social worker has told us that many potential first parents have never heard of open adoption and that our letter should not assume that they know what it is. I’d be interested in discussion/advice on this topic from adoptive parents and first parents.

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