Open Adoption Support » birth father

Birth mom doesn’t want us to have contact with birth dad. Now what?

Admin Dawn — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 13:56:46 +0000

Our children’s birth mother has an extremely acrimonious relationship with our daughter’s birth father’s family. We actually only learned of it a few months ago after the adoption was finalized and are not certain exactly what has happened and why. But we do now know that the birth father’s mother & sister objected to the adoption. The sister actually wanted to raise her, but the birth father would not agree to it. We do not know why he did not wish his family to raise his daughter.

The birth mother has said several times that the birth father’s family wanted contact through the open adoption, but that she would never allow it because they were mean to her during the pregnancy and they do not deserve to know how the baby is. (Which surprised me as it really isn’t her decision!)

I have an issue with this for a couple of reasons.

First off, it’s not about her. It’s not about me. It’s not about the aunt or grandmother. It is about our daughter, who will likely want to know her birth father’s family. She is currently 8 months old and I think it is better to start now rather than wait until she is older if that is at all possible. Especially as they have indicated they would like to have contact.

Secondly, the birth father is in the military and is about to leave for Iraq. He’s in the Infantry. Not to be morbid, but that has a much higher risk of death. What if he doesn’t come back? We have never met any of his family and do not know their names. His last name is very common, so finding them if he is dead would be very difficult.

We have had no direct contact with him since the adoption was finalized, by his own wish. But we do have his e-mail address, or at least the e-mail address he used at that time. My thought was I could e-mail him and ask him if he wanted us to have contact with his family. Or, if not, if we could at least have their names to save until our daughter is older so she could locate them at that time.

Through a quirk of fate, we have just discovered we are being transferred from Europe, where we have been living for 4 years, back to the United States. Coincidentally, to the same city where the birth father is originally from. (And presumably where his family still lives.) So direct contact would be much easier than it currently is.

We would like to have more direct contact with our children’s birth families, but are treading carefully.

Part of the reason why the birth mother selected us originally when we adopted our son (our children have the same birth mother, different birth fathers) is that we lived in Europe and she was happy that would limit the contact simply due to the distance. I have already e-mailed her to inform her of the move and to ask if she would like to establish an agreement for regular visits. We have not heard back from her.

We are also concerned that if we develop contact with the birth father’s family it would alienate her and we would lose that contact, which we strongly feel is important for both of our children.

We aren’t certain how to proceed and would really like the advice of those who have “been there/done that.”

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We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter’s birth family. What do we do?

Admin Dawn — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:08:05 +0000

My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Admin Dawn — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:13:25 +0000

They have had “my space” contact for about a year and a half – just letters and photos before that. Her birthmom has a strong desire to see her. My daughter was recently informed by her that her birth father had been the victum of a shooting in another state. Understandably my daughter now fears waiting to meet her birthmom and half sisters. At this point I plan on making the trip this weekend but would be grateful for any advice to prepare us all.
Your prayers are also gratefully accepted….

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Admin Dawn — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 03:46:43 +0000

The birthfather told my husband and I that he and the birthmother got the distinct impression from us that we were not comfortable with them or any contact from them. It, of course, hasn’t stopped him or his parents… but it kinda opened my eyes to why the birthmother never contacts us, and rarely responds to e-mails.

So…that leaves me to this quandry…do I try to explain to her WHY we may have come across “guarded” or “uncomfortable” at first? Which, of course, would bring up the topic of the birthfather’s parents and what they put us through for the first 18months of the adoption. Which I don’t want to get into now…I already have in previous posts. She probably already suspects that his parents caused problems for us because she subtly tried to warn us before the birth of our daughter. I just don’t want her to think we don’t want communication from her…I actually would like to hear more from her.

Or…do I not bring this up at all and just remain deligent in my e-mails to her and continue to set up our annual visit, hoping that, in time, she will see that we are quite comfortable with her and her family.

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Admin Dawn — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 14:42:09 +0000

When having a conversation with our 7 year old son, his birthfather refers to us as “Lisa” and “John”, not as “your mom” or “your dad” or “your parents”. For example, he will say, “Did Lisa and John take you to the zoo?” or “Do Lisa and John let you eat candy”.

We have had talks to him about this, but he continues to do it. He says it was not his choice that his son be adopted, but he was notified of the birth mother’s pregnancy and intention not to parent and was served with termination papers and he just didn’t show up. He didn’t visit the birth mother at all during her pregnancy, nor did he show up for the hearing. Our son did not see him for the first time until he was almost three and that is because we took him out of town for the visit (all the adoption coounselors kept telling us how important it would be for our son to know his birthfather, so we sought him out).

Since then the birthfather acts entitled to his role as our sons father or parent. Our son knows that he is his birthfather, but it seems like his birthfather wants our son to see him as a parent or as his “father” in the same way he sees my husband. I don’t think he ever wanted to raise him with the birthmother or to be a single parent, but I think he wishes that the birthmother had parented him as a single parent without financial help so that he could “claim” him and be the only seen as the “father”.

We think that if he keeps doing these things, he only cause confusion for our son and we are thinking of cutting off contact. Any advice would be appreciated.

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I get anxious when the first families contact us. Is this normal?

Admin Dawn — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 15:13:50 +0000

Does any other adoptive Mom experience anxiety whenever the birth families contact you? Or is it just me?

My little girl will be two this February. We rarely hear from the birthmother (unless she is replying to my e-mail)….but the birthfather and …well…mostly his parents contact us pretty regularly. Which is OK. I understand why. But I always get a “pang” of anxiety in my gut whenever I see their name on an e-mail or receive yet another package in the mail. I just was curious if this is common and/or will it go away.

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We are having difficulties establishing boundaries with my daughter’s fraternal birth grandparents.

Admin Dawn — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 17:36:43 +0000

We are having difficulties establishing boundaries with my daughter’s fraternal birth grandparents. We have an open adoption in which we promised the birthmother and the birthfather that we would send periodic updates via e-mail and set up a visit once a year. The birthfather’s parents do not like this agreement, and instead have tried their best to force themselves into our lives. They have found out where we live, and where we go to church. They want to have frequent visits (any time they want, but at least weekly) They even told us they would become members of our church so they could come find us every week in church. They decided (even though we asked them not to) that they want both our kids to call them “Grandma” and “Grandpa” and have been sending gifts to both of our children signed and even sometimes monogrammed with those names. I am absolutely overwrought with anxiety about what these people have said, done, and plan to do! We have our annual “scheduled” visit coming up Thanksgiving Weekend. I am absolutely dreading it!!!!! We have asked the birthfather to meet with my husband and I the day before the visit, so that we could “clear up a few things”. The thing is, this birthfather is a good kid ….and we don’t want to upset him. We are eternally grateful to he and the birthmother for choosing us to be her parents….however….we NEED HIS PARENTS TO BACK OFF!!!!! Any suggestions on how to accomplish this while preserving our relationship with the birthfather would be GREATLY appreciated!

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