Open Adoption Support » birthmom

Writing a letter for the first time?

Admin Dawn — Fri, 14 May 2010 21:22:11 +0000

First time here. Looking for suggestions. Any help would be appreciated.

We adopted our son 9 yrs ago. At the time our son was born, we offered to have an open adoption and have as much or little contact w/ the birthmom as she wanted. She did not want to meet us. She said she did not want to have an open adoption. We recieved a call from our lawyer last week letting us know that our son’s birthmom would like a letter knowing how our son is doing. After not hearing from her for 9 years it brings up all sorts of emotions. This was a domestic adoption. The birthmom lives two or three towns away, 20-30 minutes away at the most.

Any thoughts on how to address her in her letter? Or to talk about “our” son? Any thoughts on how to refer to our son. Because she is so close, we are nervous about using his first name and sending picture.

Any thoughts on how to handle this situation.

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We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter’s birth family. What do we do?

Admin Dawn — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:08:05 +0000

My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Adoptive parents, would you want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends?

Admin Dawn — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 02:38:06 +0000

Would you (adoptive parents) want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends about the experience? I am really curious how adoptive parents might react to the knowledge that others they have not met know about them. I don’t tell hardly anyone(in person) about my experience in becoming a birthmom. I sort of feel like it would be like gossiping, but I talk about my family to people I know a lot. I know it should probably be the same with my birthchild. I heistate because I know that the adoptive parents of my birthchild do not tell everyone they know that they adopted. I think that probably is why I heistate.

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How close is too close?

Admin Dawn — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:54:57 +0000

how close is to close in an open adoption? i really like my sons birthmom shes young and needs guidance which i try to give my husband says im tooo involved. let me say we adopted through DSS he was removed when hewas 3 mts old. My 5 bio girls like her but again shes made bad choices in her past. should i help guide or just keep our scheduled
visits. i just feel for her.

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What do the children refer to each other as?

Admin Dawn — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:16:04 +0000

I am a birthmother and have an open adoption with my daughter’s family. She just calls me by name, but knows & understands that I am her birthmother as she went through the adoption process with her parents for her little sister. Her little sister’s birthmom just had a baby & I have since gotten married & am expecting. We know by blood they will be siblings, but in reality they won’t be “sister” or “brother”, what is the best way to refer each other as? We thought “cousin” might be good as in some cultures if you’re close with a family they are aunty, uncle, cousin with no blood relation. I want to get other’s imputs to know what you have done or would do in these circumstances.

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Any advice on my daughter (15) meeting her birthmom for the first time?

Admin Dawn — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:13:25 +0000

They have had “my space” contact for about a year and a half – just letters and photos before that. Her birthmom has a strong desire to see her. My daughter was recently informed by her that her birth father had been the victum of a shooting in another state. Understandably my daughter now fears waiting to meet her birthmom and half sisters. At this point I plan on making the trip this weekend but would be grateful for any advice to prepare us all.
Your prayers are also gratefully accepted….

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Do I share enough? Too much?

Admin Dawn — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:26:04 +0000

Am I doing enough?

I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 7-month old in an open adoption. When signing some of the final paperwork with the agency his birthmom chose to have a verbal contact agreement rather than written. I haven’t really been able to get her to verbalize what she wants. I have her email address and a phone number, but she prefers contact through email. She added me as a friend on her facebook page so I’m taking that as a good sign.

I have been sending her a monthly email with all of the details that I can think of as to what the little fellow has accomplished that month. We also update our flickr page pretty regularly so that she can see pictures whenever she wants. Her pregnancy and adoption plan was kept hidden from her family and she lives with them.

Is the monthly email and flickr page enough? I hesitate to print pictures or make little keepsakes because I know she still wants to keep the secret from her family. I also get the impression that the idea of an open adoption is new and she feels it’s not her place to “make demands” even though we’ve tried to make it clear that she can ask for a visit or anything any time that she wants and that we would welcome visits with her family if/when she chooses to tell them. I also know that she’s going through her grieving process and I’m not privy to what she’s thinking. We’ve gotten together twice so far, but because of the secrecy a physical get together requires covert operations with military precision (which make me feel icky, but that’s a whole separate post). I had bought her a card for Mother’s Day, but then had no way to get it to her. I guess that I should have sent her an email instead and now feel like a jerk for not doing so.

So I guess this is a two-part question -
1) Is there something else that I could/should be doing? Or should I continue to rely on her to tell me when she needs/wants more and not push it?

2) Should I continue to list every little detail in my monthly email or is that too much? What do others include in their regular letters?

Sorry for all of the rambling, it’s still new and I’m trying to figure it all out and desperately trying not to muck things up in the process.

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My son calls us both mommy. Am I doing right by him?

Admin Dawn — Mon, 26 May 2008 14:49:43 +0000

I am pretty stressed out right now. I am a foster-mom of a 2 year old boy and am in the process of adopting him. Uniquely, the birthmom (her rights were terminated by the county) and I have forged a good relationship and we plan on keeping the adoption open. I guess I thought this would be easy but now that I feel like he is “mine” it is so hard for me to hear him call her “Mommy” and cry when she leaves. He also calls me “Mommy” and cries when I leave. I am getting so confused about my own feelings and trying to separate those from what is best for my son and also taking into account the BMoms feelings and it is all becoming an emotional bowl of spaghetti. My friends and family are no help. They try but they just don’t get it. I am a single mom too, so I feel so confused about what is normal. I was committed to an open adoption and still am, I think. I just have a lot of concerns now that it has “started”.

If you don’t think I sound too crazy, can you offer advice? Is it healthy for my son to call us both “Mommy”? How can I possibly tell the woman who gave birth to him that she can’t be called Mommy? I worry about the effect of the monthly visits on my son. He cries at the end of every one. I feel like he thinks his BMom is abandoning him every month! My friends say he is too young to be upset by that and that I am projecting my feelings onto him. I don’t know.

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