Which is how we kinda left it.  So, what do I do now?  Should I contact the bf and remind him about our agreement to meet on neutral ground…or should I wait and see what they do as next year’s visit approaches?  Keep in mind that our relationship is pretty fragile.  They take things we say out of context pretty frequently and turn it into a battle.

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She and the kids were here for a whole week. We had a lot planned and live in an area with a wide variety of community events all the time. We planned some down time and then bigger adventures every other day (she’s 33 weeks pregnant, so we didn’t want to really overdo it).

The main issues came up with differing parenting styles. We strongly believe that no child should be hit, in any way. We don’t speak derisively or yell. She uses a lot of corporal punishment and shaming.

My strategy for getting through the week was to keep the kids (especially the 3 year old who took the brunt of her anger) very, very busy. No hanging out watching tv aimlessly, always had playdoh or coloring or games out.

My daughter was shocked at the yelling and physical punishment, since she’s never seen anything like that before. I know the expectant mom is in a very tough, stressful life situation right now (part of why she is making an adoption plan), but I see this as her normal pattern of parenting, even when relaxed and generally happy.
My question is this, How do I make the visits better once baby is here (if she does choose to place)? I don’t want to come off as judgmental, or act as if my way is “better” than hers (there are cultural and background differences) as I feel that would harm our relationship. We’ve worked hard to reach out to each other, and I don’t want to put barriers up right now.

I told my daughter that different people have different ways of behaving, and even if we don’t approve, we can still be supportive of that person and try to understand them. (I abhor spanking, I worry that it will escalate, and I wonder if what is happening is worse when they are alone.) So, I feel I’m lying to my daughter, because it ISN’T okay to hit kids, but it’s legal.

How do I do this long term? We are committed to having an open adoption with visits and a lot of family contact.

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That said, there are two issues I’m having. One is the adoptive parent’s address. We are supposed to have an open adoption. I have given then my address but they have not given me theirs. I don’t ask for it, I simply hint and hope that they will give it to me. I don’t ask because 1) I want it to be because they want to not because I asked and 2) I’m not sure how I’d handle it if they said no. I’m supposed to get yearly visits so eventually I’ll have it, but I just hate sending stuff through the agency. I wonder if they open it and read my letters. I also hate how slow it is, I want to send presents and letters TO HER. NOW. Oh and know she got them (tracking number or something). I feel like they don’t trust me with their address. I trusted them with my baby and I’m not good enough for their address?

The 2nd issue is pictures. I asked if they would mind if I posted a couple pictures they sent of our daughter on my private facebook page. I promised I would not use any photos that had anyone else in them. I was told no I could not post her pictures. I asked permission because I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone placing pictures of my other daughter on the internet without permission. I never imagined they would say no, after all she’s my daughter too! I may not be her mother but I am still her birth mother and I love her. I have pictures of her up already, the ones I took from the hospital (and I feel those are my property they were taken while she was mine before I signed and I will not take those down). They did say they asked all their family members and friends not to post her pictures on the internet so they are not just singling me out. I am very hurt and saddened, this isn’t turning out the way I thought it would. I don’t know if I should say anything or just let it go and pretend it doesn’t bother me, risking the chance that I blow up later. What do you think about it?

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She has also stated many times that she has collected many, many toys for the baby–none of which she has ever brought to the 8 visits over the past 9 months. She also constantly mentions that “her friends babies want to meet the baby”–even though she has been told multiple times visits are for her and her family only, not high school friends.

Have any of you other fm’s felt the need to cover up your adoption and pretend you still are parenting to friends? Or has anyone else had this situation? To me this explains why her networking name is Laura’s mommy and why we have been asked to participate in senior pictures—to facilitate the lie……???? Opinions?

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We have several children in our family and our adoptive daughter is the youngest. Our children know our daughter’s bio-siblings. The oldest bio-sibling has been hurt plenty and has offensive behaviors that have not gone unnoticed by our older children.

As we discussed details of adoption, I expressed a strong desire regarding the names that would be used. I admit that I didn’t ask for input from the b-family. I simply stated…. “This is what I expect.” The birthmom and grandparents agreed to this… That birthmom and grandparents would be referred to by first names. We would reserve “grandma and grandpa” as titles for grandparents shared by all of the children in our family. Because I find the characters of the birthgrandparents offensive, I feel pretty strongly about this.

I also had a request that we could never agree on. I told the family that when I spoke to our daughter, I would refer to biological siblings as (birthmom’s) children. In time, she will make a connection that birthmom’s children are her biological siblings. Also, I refer to bio-grandparents as (birthmom’s) mom and dad. I requested that when they spoke to the bio-siblings, (who were then 8 & 2) that they refer to our daughter as (our children’s) sister, or as (birthmom’s) biological daughter, or as (my) daughter. The 8 year old had never been raised in the same home and had only minimal contact with our daughter. This request was met with great resistance. Eventually, birthmom and I went to visit an adoption counselor. Admittedly, she was not particularly pro-open adoption. She felt that rather than try to explain the changes in relationship to the older b-sibling, that we should simply keep contact to a minimum… no more than one contact each year. She felt that this would give the two siblings raised by grandparents a chance to grow together as family and would allow the older b-sibling a chance to heal from her loss of a biological sister. Because we couldn’t agree on terms for biological siblings, my request was simply that they would refrain from using the term “sisters.” This has NOT happened.

We have had little contact in the past year. Perhaps 3 contacts from the bio-mom (I’d love to have more). And 5 contacts with bio-grandparents and siblings… this happens when they show up at community events they believe we will attend. We also all had one planned visit in our home…. I had hoped for a couple of hours, but it ended up being a 5 hour visit. At this time, bio-grandma referred to our daughter as her “granddaughter” and to her husband as “grandpa.” She used the term “sisters” many times when referring to bio-siblings. Older bio-sister also used this term many times.

So, I’d like to put severe limits on contact with family other than bio-mom… I’d like to leave the events they show up at and limit planned contacts to a couple of hours once each year. I want to be there when our daughter understands that birth-mom’s kids are her sisters. I’d like to affirm that if she’d like (and they’d like) she can refer to them as such (or not). I don’t want her to come to an understanding because of something said by an older bio-sibling, bio-grandparent, or other person in the community who has become accustomed to hearing those terms. Really, I’m not sure that she’ll like the association. Yes, those are my feelings coming out!

My questions…. Am I way out of line in my expectations? Am I making too big of an issue out of this? I acknowledge that one of bio-grandma’s faults is that she does whatever she pleases without consideration of others and I’m ticked that she is doing this with me… sweetly smiling and agreeing and then doing whatever she pleases.

Is insisting on limited contact with bio-siblings and grandparents for the time-being an appropriate response? I think I’m more comfortable with contact once my daughter understands the relationships and chooses them for herself. This does not include birthmom… I’d love for them to have more contact.

I really want to do right for all involved, but mostly for my daughter since I have a responsibility to protect her. I have battled fears and definitely don’t want to do wrong because of some untamed and unfounded fears. Can anyone shed some light for me?

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