I think if I was sure it was best, I could brick up that doorway to communication so that neither of us could ever pass through it again.  I don’t want to do that…but I want the doorway to remain closed for now, no surprise emails or text messages.  Nothing that arrives by mail to blindside me on a day that had been going well until then.

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In the hospital, I was interrogated by an adoption lawyer and agency. This was while in the hospital bed, the day after my daughter was born. I don’t know how they found me, as I had never contacted any adoption agency, as it wasn’t a part of my idea. I asked about being in an open adoption, as a part of my daughter’s life. They broke me down for hours, until I signed papers giving up my rights to my daughter, but they had also agreed that I’d have an open adoption with visits, pictures, updates, etc. When I met the adoptive parents, prior to the finalization, they made these same promises.

11 years later, the adoption has been closed. After three years I stopped receiving pictures and updates. I have found them, and am in an email exchange with a criminal lawyer friend of theirs who is also an adoptive parent who doesn’t get it. I wrote to him again, but he just defends the adoptive parents, saying they were nice and then he told me my daughter doesn’t even know she’s adopted! This is after the adoptive mother stated that she tells my daughter about me.

I feel very betrayed. But I am still plugging away. I am afraid that I will never be allowed to be a part of my daughter’s life. Since she doesn’t know she’s adopted, she will never search for me. It’s been 11 years that have been lost. I feel like I just keep beating my head into the wall with these people. All I want, is what I was promised.

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I am surprised at how many people seem to believe that ongoing contact means that adoption is somehow less permanent legally. Someone asked about it in the forum here, and I have gotten the question several times in real life “Since you have contact, what of she changes her mind in several years, can she take him back?”

It’s easy enough to explain that legally it doesn’t matter whether the adoption is open or closed -either type of adoption can be challenged/contested through legal channels with grounds like fraud or coercion- but those grounds must be evidenced in court. Otherwise, we are his parents in every legal sense.

There are other misconceptions as well; mostly from those skeptical that open adoption is emotionally healthy for DS or us (“Won’t he be terribly confused?”, “Don’t you feel threatened when she is around?” that kind of thing), and again I happily educate people on why we think open adoption is best for us, and what the research indicates…I understand that, especially from those for whom adoption in general is mysterious, but this legal thing confuses me.

Any others encounter similar misconceptions only about open adoption vs. closed?

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I see this stat on blogs, forums, answer sites etc. and have been unable to find the source for this. You can Google search it to see the prevalence.

So, my questions are:

A) If it is a reliable, verified fact, what is the source so we can properly cite it, then what can we, as advocates of open adoption, do to change it?

B) If it was made up, or misinterpreted, how can we correct the perceptions of those that believe and repeat it?

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