Tag archives for daughter

First Mom and child’s birthday

I was wondering what advice you all would give on how to handle my daughter’s first birthday. We will be inviting her first mom and many members of the first family. What I was wondering was how if at all we should make her first mom feel included in the party.

She’s a very shy young lady and I don’t want to embarass her but I would like to include her. My only thought is to have her help with the gift opening. Any other ideas? I’ll ask her as it gets closer (April) but I want to have some ideas to give her.

We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter’s birth family. What do we do?

My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Should we agree to more than we’re comfortable with?

A few months ago I was a birth coach for a friend’s daughter. B-mom arranged a private adoption for Baby but B-dad wouldn’t release custody, so Baby went into foster care. At that time, my husband and I were in the middle of getting certified for foster-adopt; we found out just a few weeks ago that Baby is in foster care (not sure if parental rights have been terminated yet). We discussed it and decided to ask B-mom and B-grandma (my friend) if they would like us to adopt Baby. They were ecstatic and readily agreed.

This is where it gets sticky… B-mom and B-dad are married. They have a toddler living with B-grandma because B-dad is in prison (drug related) and CPS was called on B-mom (neglect & drug related). We are more than willing to have a open contact with B-grandma and B-sister, but we aren’t sure about B-mom and B-dad due to their history. (We’ll do letters and photos but not sure about face to face.) Now B-mom doesn’t want us to adopt Baby unless she can have open contact. B-parents know where we live and we have another child, so there is some concern about safety, etc.

Has anyone encountered anything at all similar to this? Any information would be helpful!

Should I disclose my wish to nurse the baby we adopt?

I’m in the information gathering stage of the domestic adoption process, and I have a kind of strange question: /p>

I have a nearly 3 year old biological daughter that is still (on rare occasions) nursing – we are as a family believers in child-led weaning, and I have had a very very fulfilling nursing relationship with her. I would love to build up a milk supply sufficient for a newborn and nurse our adopted baby when we eventually get there. Is this something that I should put in my “profile”? How do the firstmoms here feel about that idea?

Should adoptive parents be given more info before the adoption?

Several months after we adopted our daughter, we learned some very upsetting news about her birth family. Her birth mothers father is a registered sex offender, and sexually abused his daughter. We put a lot of effort into establishing a relationship with our daughters birth mother and our daughters birth family, but this mans presence in
visits, etc is very, very difficult for us to deal with.

It has become clear to us (my husband and i) that there are some serious issues with boundaries within the dynamic of our daughters birth family, and as such, it has been difficult navigate situations and visits.

We don’t regret the decision to pursue openness, but it does raise a question for us as adoptive parents. When she was pregnant, our daughters birth mother, had access to our home study, and an information she asked, we provided. Given the magnitude of her decision, as well as the welfare of her unborn child, this makes sense to us. However, I think more thought needs to be given about what type of information an adoptive family recieves before making the commitment/covenantal decision to intertwine their lives with people about whom we may have very little information.
Thoughts?

Advice to an expectant mom considering placement?

My 18 year old daughter is having a baby boy in December. She is thinking about letting her 27 year old sister adopt him. She worries that she will regret the adoption when the baby is born, but she wants to go to college and work. What help can you offer us? Books to read? People to talk to?
Thanks!

At what age should I tell my adopted child that I am really her grandmother?

I have had her since birth. She is three now. Her mother is my drug-addicted daughter. She sees on sporadically. My daughter wants her to call her “Mommy”. Help.

What do the children refer to each other as?

I am a birthmother and have an open adoption with my daughter’s family. She just calls me by name, but knows & understands that I am her birthmother as she went through the adoption process with her parents for her little sister. Her little sister’s birthmom just had a baby & I have since gotten married & am expecting. We know by blood they will be siblings, but in reality they won’t be “sister” or “brother”, what is the best way to refer each other as? We thought “cousin” might be good as in some cultures if you’re close with a family they are aunty, uncle, cousin with no blood relation. I want to get other’s imputs to know what you have done or would do in these circumstances.

Any advice on my daughter (15) meeting her birthmom for the first time?

They have had “my space” contact for about a year and a half – just letters and photos before that. Her birthmom has a strong desire to see her. My daughter was recently informed by her that her birth father had been the victum of a shooting in another state. Understandably my daughter now fears waiting to meet her birthmom and half sisters. At this point I plan on making the trip this weekend but would be grateful for any advice to prepare us all.
Your prayers are also gratefully accepted….

How do I tell my daughter that our family friends are her birth family?

Our daughter turned 5 this past April and for the past two years, we have been meeting her biological father, sister and grandmother once a year at the zoo. The only contact we have with her birth mom is letters and pictures through the agency. Her sister is 8 and her family has told her all about her sister and that she was adopted. We are discussing about when the right time would be to tell her about her birth family. Right now she knows them as friends of the family. She is only 5 and we are not sure how much she would truly understand. She and her brother, who is 3, do know that they are adopted, but we haven’t explained details at this point. She has asked if she were in my tummy
and I explained to her that no she wasn’t, she was in someone else’s tummy. She did ask who the person was and I told her that I would have to find out. I didn’t think she was ready for all of those details at that point. She was fine with that answer and didn’t ask anymore questions.

Another question is that we do not have contact anymore with our son’s birth family. We did the first 1-1/2, however, nothing since. We send pictures and letters through the agency. We have the visual contact with our daughter’s birth family once a year, but none with our son. Any suggestions on how to explain the different situations. He is only 3 and would definitely not understand, we are just thinking ahead.

I would greatly appreciate any advice on what other families have done in this same situations.