Open Adoption Support » grandparents

The importance of titles?

Admin Dawn — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:01:42 +0000

I have two adopted children and while I don’t have a problem with openness, I have been finding something that confuses me and that I struggle with. I was hoping someone could shed some light on it for me.

The adoption world seems to use some standard terminology. We can see by reading through the posts on this site that people are comfortable using the titles ‘first family’ or ‘birthfamily’ or ‘biological family’ and all the derivatives that come from it, even when referring to themselves. But then they continue to call the adopted children their ‘son’ and ‘daughter’. In some posts people talk about birthfamilies and say such things as ‘well that IS their grandparents’ when referring to the birthgrandparents. I find this very common with all of the adoptions in my life (my own & those of my family & friends).

I don’t understand the use of the terminology. Should it not be ‘birthson’ and ‘birthdaughter’ etc.. ? Why when challenged is it then said ‘well they ARE the grandparents’?

Many birthparents make the conscious decision to relinquish their children. In that process, they deliberately legally sign away their parental rights and the adoptive parents legally take that on. I don’t understand why then birthparents continue to use the terms ‘son’ and ‘daughter’ instead of using the term ‘birthson’ and ‘birthdaughter’. By doing so, it seems to me that the common attitude of birthfamilies is that biology is in fact more important than the adoptive family.

I honestly would really like to understand this!

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Admin Dawn — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 18:14:16 +0000

Just wanted to get your thoughts on how others would handle this situation. For the past 4 years…been working with the bf and his very controlling/overly aggressive parents. The beginning of the adoption…well let’s just say we got off to a rough start. They threatened us, stalked us….and then we moved to a different state and I have been working with the bf…who is a sweetie…on taming the energy of his parents into something we can tolerate and hopefully carve out a relationship. We’ve come a LONG way. However…each visit, his parents do or say something that either crosses the boundaries we’ve been trying to set, or just out-right goes against a request we have made. For example….last year we had asked them to reduce the number of gifts and please only bring 1 gift to the visit because we didn’t want the visit to be about the gifts our daughter gets…we want it to be about their presence. So, their one gift was 1 big tote bag full of 15 presents. This year, they did respect that one wish and bring 1 small gift. However, at the end of the visit, his father got down on one knee and told our daughter that the next visit was going to be at our house. I nearly freaked out! Before I could say anything, his wife announced that they were planning on coming to our house this year, but their plans changed. Hello! No one had told us of their plans. And they didn’t ask, just told our 4 year-old daughter what they were going to do!! Keep in mind that we had set up a deal with the bf that we were NEVER to meet at our house because we DO NOT TRUST his parents (after all their previous stalking, etc.). And now that we live in a different state, we have been meeting half way at a playground or fun place where we can all play with our daughter and have a good time, Thankfully, my cousin was with me and jumped in and said, “I’ve got a better idea, you should meet at…”

Which is how we kinda left it. So, what do I do now? Should I contact the bf and remind him about our agreement to meet on neutral ground…or should I wait and see what they do as next year’s visit approaches? Keep in mind that our relationship is pretty fragile. They take things we say out of context pretty frequently and turn it into a battle.

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Admin Dawn — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 13:06:16 +0000

I don’t know if anyone else has a similar situation…but, until we adopted our little girl 4 years ago…no one in my family or my husband’s family had ever adopted a baby. So it was new, unfamiliar territory for everyone. And when they found out we were entering into an OPEN adoption, everyone pretty much freaked out and fought it. Especially my parents. My husband’s parents have since “come around” and have not really said too much regarding our daughters birthfamilies. However…my parents (esp. my mother) continues to say negative things about them, calls them “THOSE people”, and really tries to persuade us to cut all ties with them….or hopes one day that they will move on with their lives and never want to see her again. I have been patient, I have tried being firm, I have tried “laying down the law” about how the promise my husband and I made with the birthparents is a lifetime commitment that we intend to keep. My mother especially insists that doing so will be detrimental to our daughter in the long run…(she is basing this opinion on the fact that we’ve had many challenges with the birthfather and his parents.) I know she doesn’t mean to do harm or really mean to hurt me, and I know that she is coming from the place of being a mom and not wanting her children to get hurt. But I really want her to get passed the “old school” view of adoption and see that what we are doing and why we are doing it is really a good thing and really is healthy and positive for our daughter. Nothing I have said has sunk in or persuaded her in any way. Does anyone have any suggestions? Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

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Admin Dawn — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:54:40 +0000

I recently opened our daughter’s adoption with her maternal grandparents (written contact between me and them only for now). We had no formal agreement with them or bio mom. We fostered to adopt our daughter through DCFS. Bio mom abandoned her for months, then made a few visits, relinquished her rights at the termination hearing and then finally after numerous attempts to schedule- did make the final goodbye visit. At the final visit she told us she wanted an open adoption. I told her to contact her attorney, our attorney looked into it as well and nothing every came of it. My question is- should I be in contact with bio mom too? What’s best for my daughter? (I have everyone’s contact info through the foster care process). Bio mom and grandma talk, I am sure she is sharing the information I share with her. I am reluctant to engage with bio mom as she is very inconsistent and is unsafe (prior to custody she removed my daughter from her bio grandmother’s care and crossed state lines). My daughter’s bio grandmother took care of her most of her life anyway. What relationship will be more important to the child in the long run? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

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Admin Dawn — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 18:04:36 +0000

We have an open adoption, our agency encouraged it and gave us some education…every year I send a letter and pictures to my daughter’s birthmother. We also buy her birthsisters Christmas gifts. We have always told my daughter the story of her adoption since she was a baby. The problem is, now age 7, my daughter has recently become very interested in meeting her birthsisters. We arranged a meeting but the birth family canceled at the last minute and it seems that another meeting will not be possible for a very long time as her birthsistesr live in a different city. The last meeting we almost arranged was about four years ago, and it was also canceled at the last minute. I do see the birth grandma about once a year, however. At any rate, I feel like I have made a big mistake talking about my daughter’s birthmother as much as I have. I don’t want my daughter to feel rejected…what should I do now? How do I explain to my daughter that her birthmother loves her but does not want to or cannot see her?

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Admin Dawn — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:14:49 +0000

When we entered into the open adoption it was ONLY to be with biomother. Because of the whole dcf involvement, the grandparents never wanting contact, thats what we agreed. Today i got an email asking me to bring my son to his biograndmothers daughters bday party. shes turning 6. Honestly she rejected him by not parenting him for her daughter, seen him 3 times in 3 years, now she wants me to attend a party? Am i nuts or am i missing something!!

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Admin Dawn — Sat, 09 May 2009 15:08:59 +0000

So, awhile ago I dropped by my son’s bio grandmother’s shop to say hi. It was on my way and I just thought it’d be a nice surprise. She hasn’t seen him in awhile and I always get the feeling like she doesn’t want to ”bother” us. We have good relations w/ bparents as well. So, we did and she was all smiles and tears and then I told my friend who also is a birthmom and she said that was not a good idea. That it is too hard on the bio grandparents and it’s like torture for them to see their grandchild but not be able to enjoy/be with him. I have asked bparents and biograndma about this, but they are either vague or don’t respond to my emails. They are poor communicators in general, never responding to my emails, pics, letters etc… I don’t know what they want. I’m just trying to be nice. Should I lay off and just wait for them to instigate? I feel like if I do that he’ll only see them maybe once a year or two. What to do?

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Admin Dawn — Sat, 02 May 2009 14:22:23 +0000

My daughter just released her son for adoption yesterday. I am so worried that she was misled by the agency and will have serious regrets. I know I do, but I am trying hard to support her. Where can I find the help that she and I both need? Possibly Related posts:At what age should [...] Possibly Related posts:

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Admin Dawn — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:59:30 +0000

My son’s bio grandfather wants to see him, but he has been very much against the adoption since placement happened over a year ago. He hasn’t really said or done anything extreme, but the 2 times he has seen his grandson he has not spoken a word to my husband or I and left us out of conversations with his daughter. We are not overbearing people and we respect the need for privacy b/w the bparents and DS. But we don’t really trust him since we have no relationship with him and he is VERY standoffish. I dread going to these visits with him there (we do have a good relationship w/ the bparents) because it is extremely awkward. Should we talk to him or bmom about his behavior? Or create some boundaries with him?

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Admin Dawn — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:47:39 +0000

I am a biological Grandmother. Our sons girlfriend had a child a few months back but abondoned the baby at the hospital. My son did not want it either. The childrens aid ask if we wanted to raise the child, unfortunately we are in our 60′s and with some major health issues. We agreed to let the baby be adopted, but, also, that we remain as it Grandparents. We were told that they had found a couple who agreed to allow us to visit with our grandchild, but this has since turned into a nightmare for us. We were only given visits of an hour or so every few months, with the new parents always there. My question is this,: Does anyone out there have any idea’s on how we can get more visiting time and is it legal for the new parents to make up such a hard schedule for us.

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