Open Adoption Support » honesty

How do I tell my daughter that I’m not sure who her birthfather is?

Admin Dawn — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 20:38:13 +0000

How do I tell my birthdaughter that I do not know for sure who her birthfather is? I was heavily drinking back then and had several relationships. I have always kept in touch with the adoptive family by letters and photos and when my birthdaughter turned 18 actually met her and have developed a wonderful relationship. So disappointed about my past and afraid for anyone to find out I lied about the birthfather to her, her family and mine. Now at 24 she wants her birthfathers name.

Possibly Related posts:

How do I talk about absent birth fathers?

Admin Dawn — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 01:49:22 +0000

We have good relationships, although very different from one another, with both of our kids’ birthmothers. We talk fairly often and have periodic visits. My kids’ birthfathers are a completely different story, however. We have no contact with either, and likely won’t, at least, not until the kids are older. One denies paternity, and the other has a history of violence. It’s been natural to talk to the kids about their first mothers–they’re family. I mean no disrespect to these men, but I’m trying to think from my kids’ perspectives. Just who are these birthfathers to my kid? They aren’t involved with the kids’ fist moms, they weren’t involved when they were born. It seems the connection to them is strictly biological and I don’t quite know what to do with that. Especially, since it seems to bring sex into the equation. I mean, my 3 year old just barely gets that babies grow inside a woman and that he did, too, just like everyone else. That’s how his birthmother first became a part of his life. But, his birthfather? Um, how do I explain that in a way that’s appropriate. I’m not really sure what to say. Any insight here?

Possibly Related posts:

Lying to others about the adoption?

Admin Dawn — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 20:23:36 +0000

Once again I can not sleep because I keep thinking about something my daughter’s first mom said to us and I wonder if any other fm’s have done this and if it is, for lack of a better term, “normal”. FM has told all of her high school friends that the baby is in daycare or at grandma’s instead of saying she was adopted. It sounds to me like she is embarassed to have done adoption yet at her age it was a selfless and responsible decision.

She has also stated many times that she has collected many, many toys for the baby–none of which she has ever brought to the 8 visits over the past 9 months. She also constantly mentions that “her friends babies want to meet the baby”–even though she has been told multiple times visits are for her and her family only, not high school friends.

Have any of you other fm’s felt the need to cover up your adoption and pretend you still are parenting to friends? Or has anyone else had this situation? To me this explains why her networking name is Laura’s mommy and why we have been asked to participate in senior pictures—to facilitate the lie……???? Opinions?

Possibly Related posts: