Part of our OA agreement was that we would send our son’s first mom letters twice a year with updates and pictures. When he was a baby this was much easier as he hit new milestones and grew there seemed to be so much to talk about.
But now that he is 7 everything sounds so [...]
Open Adoption Support
for families and individuals who support openness in adotion
We honor the connection adoptees have to both of their families. We recognize the love and joy as well as the losses and grief of adoption. We do not diminish one family in favor of another. We are flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances change. We set boundaries on the basis of what is best for our children.
We understand that open adoption looks like different things for different families.
Tag archives for letters
What do first parents want to hear?
Should we agree to more than we’re comfortable with?
A few months ago I was a birth coach for a friend’s daughter. B-mom arranged a private adoption for Baby but B-dad wouldn’t release custody, so Baby went into foster care. At that time, my husband and I were in the middle of getting certified for foster-adopt; we found out just a few weeks ago that Baby is in foster care (not sure if parental rights have been terminated yet). We discussed it and decided to ask B-mom and B-grandma (my friend) if they would like us to adopt Baby. They were ecstatic and readily agreed.
This is where it gets sticky… B-mom and B-dad are married. They have a toddler living with B-grandma because B-dad is in prison (drug related) and CPS was called on B-mom (neglect & drug related). We are more than willing to have a open contact with B-grandma and B-sister, but we aren’t sure about B-mom and B-dad due to their history. (We’ll do letters and photos but not sure about face to face.) Now B-mom doesn’t want us to adopt Baby unless she can have open contact. B-parents know where we live and we have another child, so there is some concern about safety, etc.
Has anyone encountered anything at all similar to this? Any information would be helpful!
Any advice on my daughter (15) meeting her birthmom for the first time?
They have had “my space” contact for about a year and a half – just letters and photos before that. Her birthmom has a strong desire to see her. My daughter was recently informed by her that her birth father had been the victum of a shooting in another state. Understandably my daughter now fears waiting to meet her birthmom and half sisters. At this point I plan on making the trip this weekend but would be grateful for any advice to prepare us all.
Your prayers are also gratefully accepted….
How do I tell my daughter that our family friends are her birth family?
Our daughter turned 5 this past April and for the past two years, we have been meeting her biological father, sister and grandmother once a year at the zoo. The only contact we have with her birth mom is letters and pictures through the agency. Her sister is 8 and her family has told her all about her sister and that she was adopted. We are discussing about when the right time would be to tell her about her birth family. Right now she knows them as friends of the family. She is only 5 and we are not sure how much she would truly understand. She and her brother, who is 3, do know that they are adopted, but we haven’t explained details at this point. She has asked if she were in my tummy
and I explained to her that no she wasn’t, she was in someone else’s tummy. She did ask who the person was and I told her that I would have to find out. I didn’t think she was ready for all of those details at that point. She was fine with that answer and didn’t ask anymore questions.
Another question is that we do not have contact anymore with our son’s birth family. We did the first 1-1/2, however, nothing since. We send pictures and letters through the agency. We have the visual contact with our daughter’s birth family once a year, but none with our son. Any suggestions on how to explain the different situations. He is only 3 and would definitely not understand, we are just thinking ahead.
I would greatly appreciate any advice on what other families have done in this same situations.
Do I share enough? Too much?
Am I doing enough?
I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 7-month old in an open adoption. When signing some of the final paperwork with the agency his birthmom chose to have a verbal contact agreement rather than written. I haven’t really been able to get her to verbalize what she wants. I have her email address and a phone number, but she prefers contact through email. She added me as a friend on her facebook page so I’m taking that as a good sign.
I have been sending her a monthly email with all of the details that I can think of as to what the little fellow has accomplished that month. We also update our flickr page pretty regularly so that she can see pictures whenever she wants. Her pregnancy and adoption plan was kept hidden from her family and she lives with them.
Is the monthly email and flickr page enough? I hesitate to print pictures or make little keepsakes because I know she still wants to keep the secret from her family. I also get the impression that the idea of an open adoption is new and she feels it’s not her place to “make demands” even though we’ve tried to make it clear that she can ask for a visit or anything any time that she wants and that we would welcome visits with her family if/when she chooses to tell them. I also know that she’s going through her grieving process and I’m not privy to what she’s thinking. We’ve gotten together twice so far, but because of the secrecy a physical get together requires covert operations with military precision (which make me feel icky, but that’s a whole separate post). I had bought her a card for Mother’s Day, but then had no way to get it to her. I guess that I should have sent her an email instead and now feel like a jerk for not doing so.
So I guess this is a two-part question -
1) Is there something else that I could/should be doing? Or should I continue to rely on her to tell me when she needs/wants more and not push it?
2) Should I continue to list every little detail in my monthly email or is that too much? What do others include in their regular letters?
Sorry for all of the rambling, it’s still new and I’m trying to figure it all out and desperately trying not to muck things up in the process.
I found my child’s first mom online; should I contact her?
We are in a semi-open adoption relationship with our son’s first mother. The first year we sent the agreed upon pictures and letters through the agency and on his first birthday we got a letter and some pictures back from her. The next time we sent a letter, pictures and a gift through the agency, it was all returned to us. The agency said to stop sending them stuff but to keep writing. She had moved without updating her address. I have asked the agency to try to find her new address and contact her but they won’t.
So, I just happened to type her name in to a search on Facebook and she popped right up! I am really tempted to create another more anonymous page for us and contact her by sending our email address through Facebook. I just want to let her know that we still would like contact with her and that we are still here hoping to hear from her when she is ready. I don’t want to inflict unnecessary pain on her. She can ignore the request or write back if she wants. My husband thinks that this is pushy and inappropriate. I feel like it might open the door for her a little. Is it wrong to do this without the agency involved?
How do I start a search?
I know where I was born, where my adoption was completed and even my birth mothers name. I have written letters to the courts and all I get is the run around. The state i was born in says they have no non-identifying information on me that i should contact the state adoption was completed in. I contacted then and they said they have nothing and sent me back to the birth state. What can I do next? I dont have the money to hire an attorney to have my records unsealed or to hire a private investigator
How do we write a pro-openness adoption profile?
I’d be interested in seeing more information for potential adoptive parents in the process of writing their profiles/”Dear Expectant Parent” letters. My spouse and I are working on our profile right now and looking for advice on how to convey our desire for openness.
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