Tag archives for phone

Should I help my child’s first parents financially?

20th November 2008 by OAS Administrator under Community Wisdom     

I am posting anonymously because I am so conflicted about this situation and I don’t feel confident about this.

Our son is nearly 2 years old. About 11 months ago, his birth mother apparently vanished. Her phone got cut off; the mailing address was no longer current; and we had no way of getting in touch. This was very upsetting. I lost a lot of sleep over it and wondered many things.

Last week, out of the absolute blue, our phone rang and there she was. I was so happy and told her so. She said she had simply misplaced our number, been moving around a lot, etc. I don’t think she realized it had been almost a year. She thought it had been a few months.

We immedately took her new address and sent all the boxes that had been piling up and sent back to us. We included a phone card so she could call in the future.

Tonight she called..I thought to tell us whether she’d gotten the box or not. But unfortunately she’s run into a bit of difficulty.

She has been moving from place to place the last few months (6 months or so) and put all her things in storage. Well, she also is out of work for a while and has no way to pay the storage. The storage company is now proceeding with officially warning her that her items will be sold at auction if she can’t pay the fees. She gave them her xmas savings which was about half the fees, but still owes the other half.

It is a bad situation all around of course. She was asking for help with the rest of the fees. We are not particularly wealthy but if we had a $300 emergency within our household we would of course be able to pay it. My impulse is to pay this bill for her. All her possessions are at stake…her children’s winter clothes…and photographs of her children who are with her as well as our son. These things are not insignificant.

If we can help with this bill I am afraid that one day something else will come up and I will not be able to help. A $1000 bill would be very difficult and more than that I don’t think we could come up with without some creativity. We’re careful with money, but we both work hard to make a secure life for us and our son, we don’t have very much extra on a regular basis. It would probably be exaggerating to say that this could continue on a regular basis–I have the feeling that it was hard for her to ask–but I don’t know how to say “We came up with 1, 2, or 3 hundred. We may not be able to again.” I really don’t know how to say no, and also don’t know how to pay while letting her save face.

need thoughts and a range of options. I’m overwhelmed by this.

ps I’ve read the previous question and see the similarities…although our adoption is long since final and this does not affect legality of anything

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Do I share enough? Too much?

2nd July 2008 by OAS Administrator under Community Wisdom     

Am I doing enough?

I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 7-month old in an open adoption. When signing some of the final paperwork with the agency his birthmom chose to have a verbal contact agreement rather than written. I haven’t really been able to get her to verbalize what she wants. I have her email address and a phone number, but she prefers contact through email. She added me as a friend on her facebook page so I’m taking that as a good sign.

I have been sending her a monthly email with all of the details that I can think of as to what the little fellow has accomplished that month. We also update our flickr page pretty regularly so that she can see pictures whenever she wants. Her pregnancy and adoption plan was kept hidden from her family and she lives with them.

Is the monthly email and flickr page enough? I hesitate to print pictures or make little keepsakes because I know she still wants to keep the secret from her family. I also get the impression that the idea of an open adoption is new and she feels it’s not her place to “make demands” even though we’ve tried to make it clear that she can ask for a visit or anything any time that she wants and that we would welcome visits with her family if/when she chooses to tell them. I also know that she’s going through her grieving process and I’m not privy to what she’s thinking. We’ve gotten together twice so far, but because of the secrecy a physical get together requires covert operations with military precision (which make me feel icky, but that’s a whole separate post). I had bought her a card for Mother’s Day, but then had no way to get it to her. I guess that I should have sent her an email instead and now feel like a jerk for not doing so.

So I guess this is a two-part question -
1) Is there something else that I could/should be doing? Or should I continue to rely on her to tell me when she needs/wants more and not push it?

2) Should I continue to list every little detail in my monthly email or is that too much? What do others include in their regular letters?

Sorry for all of the rambling, it’s still new and I’m trying to figure it all out and desperately trying not to muck things up in the process.

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How do I navigate a long visit at our house?

1st March 2008 by OAS Administrator under Community Wisdom     

We have an open adoption with very little or sporadic contact. We had very little time to get to know first mom before birth two years ago, we have not seen her since, and we go very long periods without hearing from her. We really don’t know her well at all. We would love to have more contact and visits — a real relationship with her.

Recently, I casually offered that she come visit us (across the country), assuming she would ignore my message, as she often has. This time, she said yes! At first, I was so excited, but now the reality of the visit is sinking in. First, I’m nervous about having a houseguest that we barely know (even though we consider her to be like family). Second, it occurred to me that we really don’t know anything about her or her life, and, as a parent, absent this special relationship with her, I would never invite someone I don’t know well into my home with my child. Of course, she’s our kid’s mother, too . . .

Have you handled this or a similar situation before? On balance, I’m so excited for all of us for the visit. I guess I just wish we could have had more phone calls, shorter visits, etc. before such a big step. I wish I could slow things down, but I’m afraid not to take advantage of an opportunity to get to know her better while she’s willing. Thanks for your support!

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My child wants to know why he doesn’t see his first mom anymore. What do I say?

15th February 2008 by OAS Administrator under Community Wisdom     

We have pictures of my son with his first mother when he was a baby but she has dropped out of our lives in the years since. He is now four and asking where she went an why he doesn’t see her. The problem is I don’t know where she is or why she no longer picks our packets up at the agency. We only saw her twice after our son’s adoption but we did use to talk occasionally on the phone but her phone is disconnected and I have no way to find out where she is now. I don’t know what to tell him about why she isn’t part of our lives anymore.

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