We adopted our 18-month-old son in an open, domestic adoption. Though I live in fear of losing touch, we have stayed in contact so far. Mostly with us sending updates and photos – initially through the mail and now primarily through email.
I’ve generally sent photos of our son that are of him alone and happy. [...]
Open Adoption Support
for families and individuals who support openness in adotion
We honor the connection adoptees have to both of their families. We recognize the love and joy as well as the losses and grief of adoption. We do not diminish one family in favor of another. We are flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances change. We set boundaries on the basis of what is best for our children.
We understand that open adoption looks like different things for different families.
Tag archives for pictures
What kind of photos do first families want?
How to tell her not to call herself “mommy?”
well i received a call from my sons bmother. she asked me..when i come down next weekend, can I take a picture with K? I said sure,,she wants to go to sears. She said..i never took a picture just mommy and son! Well, now, I am going to allow the picture BUT wondering how Im [...]
How do I get my child’s adoptive parents to send the pictures?
My daughter is 3 months old. I have an open adoption with weekly emails and pictures whenever the adoptive mom feels like uploading (which she has admitted she’s kinda lazy about, she only likes to do it every couple months or so). I asked about a month ago if I could post a couple of [...]
How can I get the adoptive parents to stretch their boundaries?
I was wondering how you deal with boundaries and respect in your doption? I am a birth mother, just two months into the adoption. While I was pregnant and going through the adoption process I was treated pretty nicely, everyone bent over backwards to make me happy. Now that it’s done, I’ve experienced a [...]
We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter’s birth family. What do we do?
My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.
How do I tell my daughter that our family friends are her birth family?
Our daughter turned 5 this past April and for the past two years, we have been meeting her biological father, sister and grandmother once a year at the zoo. The only contact we have with her birth mom is letters and pictures through the agency. Her sister is 8 and her family has told her all about her sister and that she was adopted. We are discussing about when the right time would be to tell her about her birth family. Right now she knows them as friends of the family. She is only 5 and we are not sure how much she would truly understand. She and her brother, who is 3, do know that they are adopted, but we haven’t explained details at this point. She has asked if she were in my tummy
and I explained to her that no she wasn’t, she was in someone else’s tummy. She did ask who the person was and I told her that I would have to find out. I didn’t think she was ready for all of those details at that point. She was fine with that answer and didn’t ask anymore questions.
Another question is that we do not have contact anymore with our son’s birth family. We did the first 1-1/2, however, nothing since. We send pictures and letters through the agency. We have the visual contact with our daughter’s birth family once a year, but none with our son. Any suggestions on how to explain the different situations. He is only 3 and would definitely not understand, we are just thinking ahead.
I would greatly appreciate any advice on what other families have done in this same situations.
Do I share enough? Too much?
Am I doing enough?
I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 7-month old in an open adoption. When signing some of the final paperwork with the agency his birthmom chose to have a verbal contact agreement rather than written. I haven’t really been able to get her to verbalize what she wants. I have her email address and a phone number, but she prefers contact through email. She added me as a friend on her facebook page so I’m taking that as a good sign.
I have been sending her a monthly email with all of the details that I can think of as to what the little fellow has accomplished that month. We also update our flickr page pretty regularly so that she can see pictures whenever she wants. Her pregnancy and adoption plan was kept hidden from her family and she lives with them.
Is the monthly email and flickr page enough? I hesitate to print pictures or make little keepsakes because I know she still wants to keep the secret from her family. I also get the impression that the idea of an open adoption is new and she feels it’s not her place to “make demands” even though we’ve tried to make it clear that she can ask for a visit or anything any time that she wants and that we would welcome visits with her family if/when she chooses to tell them. I also know that she’s going through her grieving process and I’m not privy to what she’s thinking. We’ve gotten together twice so far, but because of the secrecy a physical get together requires covert operations with military precision (which make me feel icky, but that’s a whole separate post). I had bought her a card for Mother’s Day, but then had no way to get it to her. I guess that I should have sent her an email instead and now feel like a jerk for not doing so.
So I guess this is a two-part question -
1) Is there something else that I could/should be doing? Or should I continue to rely on her to tell me when she needs/wants more and not push it?
2) Should I continue to list every little detail in my monthly email or is that too much? What do others include in their regular letters?
Sorry for all of the rambling, it’s still new and I’m trying to figure it all out and desperately trying not to muck things up in the process.
I found my child’s first mom online; should I contact her?
We are in a semi-open adoption relationship with our son’s first mother. The first year we sent the agreed upon pictures and letters through the agency and on his first birthday we got a letter and some pictures back from her. The next time we sent a letter, pictures and a gift through the agency, it was all returned to us. The agency said to stop sending them stuff but to keep writing. She had moved without updating her address. I have asked the agency to try to find her new address and contact her but they won’t.
So, I just happened to type her name in to a search on Facebook and she popped right up! I am really tempted to create another more anonymous page for us and contact her by sending our email address through Facebook. I just want to let her know that we still would like contact with her and that we are still here hoping to hear from her when she is ready. I don’t want to inflict unnecessary pain on her. She can ignore the request or write back if she wants. My husband thinks that this is pushy and inappropriate. I feel like it might open the door for her a little. Is it wrong to do this without the agency involved?
How do I decline a first parent’s requests?
When adopting our daughter, her birthmother had been out of her life for 3 1/2 year. It was obvious to all involved that she belonged with us. Our contract states the usual, quarterly visits, pictures, no friends, visits at our home etc. Yet verbally we talked about how it could be whatever we make the contact to be and there was no reason why she couldn’t visit more often that the contract outlined. We explained that the contract was to fall back on, if needed. TWO MONTHS into the new arrangement, our daughters first mother is constantly asking for extra’s; take her to her workplace to show all her friends, come early, stay late, hang out at the mall. Our daughter is only 4 years old. Many of the things her first mother is requesting are the exact things we want to protect her from! I am having difficulty staying positive and declining her requests with grace. Any suggestions?
My child wants to know why he doesn’t see his first mom anymore. What do I say?
We have pictures of my son with his first mother when he was a baby but she has dropped out of our lives in the years since. He is now four and asking where she went an why he doesn’t see her. The problem is I don’t know where she is or why she no longer picks our packets up at the agency. We only saw her twice after our son’s adoption but we did use to talk occasionally on the phone but her phone is disconnected and I have no way to find out where she is now. I don’t know what to tell him about why she isn’t part of our lives anymore.
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