Our daughter turned 5 this past April and for the past two years, we have been meeting her biological father, sister and grandmother once a year at the zoo. The only contact we have with her birth mom is letters and pictures through the agency. Her sister is 8 and her family has told her all about her sister and that she was adopted. We are discussing about when the right time would be to tell her about her birth family. Right now she knows them as friends of the family. She is only 5 and we are not sure how much she would truly understand. She and her brother, who is 3, do know that they are adopted, but we haven't explained details at this point. She has asked if she were in my tummy
and I explained to her that no she wasn't, she was in someone else's tummy. She did ask who the person was and I told her that I would have to find out. I didn't think she was ready for all of those details at that point. She was fine with that answer and didn't ask anymore questions.

Another question is that we do not have contact anymore with our son's birth family. We did the first 1-1/2, however, nothing since. We send pictures and letters through the agency. We have the visual contact with our daughter's birth family once a year, but none with our son. Any suggestions on how to explain the different situations. He is only 3 and would definitely not understand, we are just thinking ahead.

I would greatly appreciate any advice on what other families have done in this same situations.

Am I doing enough?

I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 7-month old in an open adoption. When signing some of the final paperwork with the agency his birthmom chose to have a verbal contact agreement rather than written. I haven't really been able to get her to verbalize what she wants. I have her email address and a phone number, but she prefers contact through email. She added me as a friend on her facebook page so I'm taking that as a good sign.

I have been sending her a monthly email with all of the details that I can think of as to what the little fellow has accomplished that month. We also update our flickr page pretty regularly so that she can see pictures whenever she wants. Her pregnancy and adoption plan was kept hidden from her family and she lives with them.

Is the monthly email and flickr page enough? I hesitate to print pictures or make little keepsakes because I know she still wants to keep the secret from her family. I also get the impression that the idea of an open adoption is new and she feels it's not her place to "make demands" even though we've tried to make it clear that she can ask for a visit or anything any time that she wants and that we would welcome visits with her family if/when she chooses to tell them. I also know that she's going through her grieving process and I'm not privy to what she's thinking. We've gotten together twice so far, but because of the secrecy a physical get together requires covert operations with military precision (which make me feel icky, but that's a whole separate post). I had bought her a card for Mother's Day, but then had no way to get it to her. I guess that I should have sent her an email instead and now feel like a jerk for not doing so.

So I guess this is a two-part question -
1) Is there something else that I could/should be doing? Or should I continue to rely on her to tell me when she needs/wants more and not push it?

2) Should I continue to list every little detail in my monthly email or is that too much? What do others include in their regular letters?

Sorry for all of the rambling, it's still new and I'm trying to figure it all out and desperately trying not to muck things up in the process.

The birthfather told my husband and I that he and the birthmother got the distinct impression from us that we were not comfortable with them or any contact from them. It, of course, hasn't stopped him or his parents... but it kinda opened my eyes to why the birthmother never contacts us, and rarely responds to e-mails.

So...that leaves me to this quandry...do I try to explain to her WHY we may have come across "guarded" or "uncomfortable" at first? Which, of course, would bring up the topic of the birthfather's parents and what they put us through for the first 18months of the adoption. Which I don't want to get into now...I already have in previous posts. She probably already suspects that his parents caused problems for us because she subtly tried to warn us before the birth of our daughter. I just don't want her to think we don't want communication from her...I actually would like to hear more from her.

Or...do I not bring this up at all and just remain deligent in my e-mails to her and continue to set up our annual visit, hoping that, in time, she will see that we are quite comfortable with her and her family.

I am pretty stressed out right now. I am a foster-mom of a 2 year old boy and am in the process of adopting him. Uniquely, the birthmom (her rights were terminated by the county) and I have forged a good relationship and we plan on keeping the adoption open. I guess I thought this would be easy but now that I feel like he is "mine" it is so hard for me to hear him call her "Mommy" and cry when she leaves. He also calls me "Mommy" and cries when I leave. I am getting so confused about my own feelings and trying to separate those from what is best for my son and also taking into account the BMoms feelings and it is all becoming an emotional bowl of spaghetti. My friends and family are no help. They try but they just don't get it. I am a single mom too, so I feel so confused about what is normal. I was committed to an open adoption and still am, I think. I just have a lot of concerns now that it has "started".

If you don't think I sound too crazy, can you offer advice? Is it healthy for my son to call us both "Mommy"? How can I possibly tell the woman who gave birth to him that she can't be called Mommy? I worry about the effect of the monthly visits on my son. He cries at the end of every one. I feel like he thinks his BMom is abandoning him every month! My friends say he is too young to be upset by that and that I am projecting my feelings onto him. I don't know.